Crushed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
Thank you for all off the support, it means more than you know. I did a lot of thinking today. I am going to make some adjustments to my schedule so that I have more time to invest in my recovery. I felt defeated today, both physically and mentally. I have to put my sobriety first if I am ever going to get ahead in other areas of my life, so I suppose they can wait for now.
Its hard for me to understand why I did what I did yesterday. I think part of it was the loneliness really got to me. I wanted to go have fun with friends, it was a gorgeous day, and happened to be a major “drinking” holiday. I have very positive associated with that particular day. The past 4 weekends before this I was lying low, staying in by myself and watching movies. I white knuckled it a few times around friends who were drinking but I felt like I was exerting a good amount of discipline and was also somewhat uneasy about it. I thought I understood it, that I could handle it…but I didn’t. I knew the idea of it. The yearning for it.
Well I just keep going around in the same circles. Insanity = doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, right? I know what I have to do. I don’t want to make any declarations before I take action. I will keep up on here, as I have since I decided to start this journey.
Its hard for me to understand why I did what I did yesterday. I think part of it was the loneliness really got to me. I wanted to go have fun with friends, it was a gorgeous day, and happened to be a major “drinking” holiday. I have very positive associated with that particular day. The past 4 weekends before this I was lying low, staying in by myself and watching movies. I white knuckled it a few times around friends who were drinking but I felt like I was exerting a good amount of discipline and was also somewhat uneasy about it. I thought I understood it, that I could handle it…but I didn’t. I knew the idea of it. The yearning for it.
Well I just keep going around in the same circles. Insanity = doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, right? I know what I have to do. I don’t want to make any declarations before I take action. I will keep up on here, as I have since I decided to start this journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
Thank you for all off the support, it means more than you know. I did a lot of thinking today. I am going to make some adjustments to my schedule so that I have more time to invest in my recovery. I felt defeated today, both physically and mentally. I have to put my sobriety first if I am ever going to get ahead in other areas of my life, so I suppose they can wait for now.
Its hard for me to understand why I did what I did yesterday. I think part of it was the loneliness really got to me. I wanted to go have fun with friends, it was a gorgeous day, and happened to be a major “drinking” holiday. I have very positive associated with that particular day. The past 4 weekends before this I was lying low, staying in by myself and watching movies. I white knuckled it a few times around friends who were drinking but I felt like I was exerting a good amount of discipline and was also somewhat uneasy about it. I thought I understood it, that I could handle it…but I didn’t. I knew the idea of it. The yearning for it.
Well I just keep going around in the same circles. Insanity = doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, right? I know what I have to do. I don’t want to make any declarations before I take action. I will keep up on here, as I have since I decided to start this journey.
Its hard for me to understand why I did what I did yesterday. I think part of it was the loneliness really got to me. I wanted to go have fun with friends, it was a gorgeous day, and happened to be a major “drinking” holiday. I have very positive associated with that particular day. The past 4 weekends before this I was lying low, staying in by myself and watching movies. I white knuckled it a few times around friends who were drinking but I felt like I was exerting a good amount of discipline and was also somewhat uneasy about it. I thought I understood it, that I could handle it…but I didn’t. I knew the idea of it. The yearning for it.
Well I just keep going around in the same circles. Insanity = doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, right? I know what I have to do. I don’t want to make any declarations before I take action. I will keep up on here, as I have since I decided to start this journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
Thank you for all off the support, it means more than you know. I did a lot of thinking today. I am going to make some adjustments to my schedule so that I have more time to invest in my recovery. I felt defeated today, both physically and mentally. I have to put my sobriety first if I am ever going to get ahead in other areas of my life, so I suppose they can wait for now.
Its hard for me to understand why I did what I did yesterday. I think part of it was the loneliness really got to me. I wanted to go have fun with friends, it was a gorgeous day, and happened to be a major “drinking” holiday. I have very positive associated with that particular day. The past 4 weekends before this I was lying low, staying in by myself and watching movies. I white knuckled it a few times around friends who were drinking but I felt like I was exerting a good amount of discipline and was also somewhat uneasy about it. I thought I understood it, that I could handle it…but I didn’t. I knew the idea of it. The yearning for it.
Well I just keep going around in the same circles. Insanity = doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, right? I know what I have to do. I don’t want to make any declarations before I take action. I will keep up on here, as I have since I decided to start this journey.
Its hard for me to understand why I did what I did yesterday. I think part of it was the loneliness really got to me. I wanted to go have fun with friends, it was a gorgeous day, and happened to be a major “drinking” holiday. I have very positive associated with that particular day. The past 4 weekends before this I was lying low, staying in by myself and watching movies. I white knuckled it a few times around friends who were drinking but I felt like I was exerting a good amount of discipline and was also somewhat uneasy about it. I thought I understood it, that I could handle it…but I didn’t. I knew the idea of it. The yearning for it.
Well I just keep going around in the same circles. Insanity = doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, right? I know what I have to do. I don’t want to make any declarations before I take action. I will keep up on here, as I have since I decided to start this journey.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
You're going to be OK, you know that? You really are. One of many cool surprises about recovery is how long-term success usually begins with a feeling of total defeat. At least that's how it was for me. I am so grateful now for the desperate, sad, nearly hopeless feeling that finally motivated me to turn my ship around.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Sober State
Posts: 1,126
Janie, we've all been there. Chasing our own tails, over & over & over. And you finally get sick & tired of being sick & tired.
You realize there is no reward in catching that tail. The yearning is never satisfied.
The joy you seek most is not in that bottle.
Once you accept the reality that the love affair is over, you can move on. Find new relationships, either w/God, community ( AA) etc.
And build something meaningful for yourself.
You'll get it right. Dont ever give up.
You realize there is no reward in catching that tail. The yearning is never satisfied.
The joy you seek most is not in that bottle.
Once you accept the reality that the love affair is over, you can move on. Find new relationships, either w/God, community ( AA) etc.
And build something meaningful for yourself.
You'll get it right. Dont ever give up.
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