Until I came to the point where I could say what I mean and mean what I say and not say it mean and it didn't matter what my AH response was, our relationship was going nowhere.
Now that I have gotten to that point we are working on our relationship. We work at different paces and I still don't always say what I mean. My AH doesn't always either.
Even though our relationship is far from what I thought it should be or may be, it is what I want today. I am grateful for what is and peaceful.
I would have never gotten to this point without 2 years of alanon, individual counseling, meditation, couples counseling. Being separated from my AH probably also helped me a lot too.
I have 3 kids, a full time job and lots of other responsibilitie of which managing my AH's disease is not one, nor is dealing with his issues when he chooses to not progress in his recovery.
I am at the point in my recovery where I can now turn around almost every criticism about my AH (not listening, not being available, not wanting to work on our relationship in a productive manner) and look at my actions and see how I've contributed to my disappointment, anger, frustration. I accept that living with an A will always have some inherent difficulties and I am still working on my sadness and sometimes loneliness.
Alanon works for those living with an alcoholic and suffering from the disease of alcoholism. It works for me.
(((Hugs))) to you on your journey. Take care of yourself and your children.