I can't help but wonder if I was wrong...

Old 03-07-2012, 07:57 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 11
I can't help but wonder if I was wrong...

I explained to my AH tonight (he's 6 months sober, but not really working a program, goes to an occasional AA meeting) that I feel that keeping promises is important in a marriage, and that if feels like he can't keep all the promises he has made (and broken) recently, then I don't feel comfortable continuing in the relationship. I was brought up to believe that you earn trust, and if you do something to lose that trust, you have to earn it back.

It wasn't meant to be an ultimatum, but I can't help feeling it might have sounded like one. I truly CAN'T stay in a relationship where a promise can be broken as easily and taken as lightly as breaking a pencil tip...

He just stared at me. Didn't say a word. I told him I loved him, and appreciated him listening, then left the room. I meant every word, I don't think he heard anything but blah blah blah. (He's said that sometimes when I talk all he hears is the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher.)

Since he got out of rehab, it feels the only difference in his behavior is that he's opening a coke can instead of a beer can. He doesn't anger as easily, but everything else feels the same. I'm ready to have a better life, finally, and it appears he's content with things the way they are.
ChloeJ is offline  
Old 03-07-2012, 10:40 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It wasn't an ultimatum. There is no action on your part attached to it-- just a passive-aggressive implied threat. What I read is that you simply told him you were uncomfortable in the relationship because you feel he's a liar (and he may well be).

Had you said that to me what I would have heard is blah, blah, blah, blah.

Have you gone to Alanon consistently? I'd encourage you to do so because then you can turn blah, blah, blah into an honest to God boundary when you need to set boundaries, or an ultimatum when you need to dictate an ultimatum (and what you typed above is definitely NOT an ultimatum). Both boundaries and ultimatums have an actual if/then. If you do this, then I will do that. Both, however, are empty unless you'll follow through.

Cyranoak
Cyranoak is offline  
Old 03-08-2012, 06:19 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 11
Well, I figured I had screwed up saying it, I usually do. I was trying to say it calmly, hoping he would stay calm. My intent is to pack up the kids and leave if the promises aren't kept. I have arranged a place to stay, if it comes to that. I understand that didn't come across, but there is no point trying to go back and fix it now.

Most of these promises were actually agreements we had come to while he was in rehab, during our family session of therapy. So me bringing it up at all was a mistake because he knew from the beginning what the action would be if he didn't follow through.

I'm trying to find time for Alanon but working full time, getting the kids to and from school, helping with homework, and taking care of the house leaves me with about an hour of free time a day, after the kids are in bed. Looks like I'm going to have to find a way to MAKE the time.
ChloeJ is offline  
Old 03-08-2012, 07:05 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
m1k3's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
What worked for me was figuring out what I wanted from the relationship and was I getting it. I also spent some time looking at how much I was willing to invest in trying to make it work.

After spending some time (10 months to be exact) on this I reached the conclusion that she didn't have anything I wanted anymore and I didn't have anything left to give. For me there was no relationship, no trust and to be honest no love. It was simply time to move on.

What I learned in this process was that it was OK to take care of myself and that I had choices. I could use those choices without guilt because if I wasn't willing to take care of me who would.
m1k3 is offline  
Old 03-08-2012, 07:19 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Florence's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Hm, this is exactly where I'm at. RAH is about five months sober, and while he appears to be totally fine I'm crawling out of my skin with resentments. We talked about it a few nights ago and he said of course he's happy with where he is, in relation to where he was, that is. But he knows that I'm not happy and he knows he's got a long way to go to make up for the crap he pulled while drinking. Something anvilhead keeps saying which reminds me to have some empathy is that these guys are babies when it comes to living with sobriety. They're really feeling it out, learning how to cope with the day to day without alcohol, and unlearning their old bad habits. I'm making peace with the peace (lord knows I don't want the chaos) and trying to give him a fair shake to make things right. If I had a choice I wouldn't want to divorce him, but if life looks like it does today in a year or two without any progress... well, I'd rather be married to my husband than be married to a nice, if distant, roommate.

My two cents.
Florence is offline  
Old 03-08-2012, 07:26 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
dancingnow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Until I came to the point where I could say what I mean and mean what I say and not say it mean and it didn't matter what my AH response was, our relationship was going nowhere.

Now that I have gotten to that point we are working on our relationship. We work at different paces and I still don't always say what I mean. My AH doesn't always either.

Even though our relationship is far from what I thought it should be or may be, it is what I want today. I am grateful for what is and peaceful.

I would have never gotten to this point without 2 years of alanon, individual counseling, meditation, couples counseling. Being separated from my AH probably also helped me a lot too.

I have 3 kids, a full time job and lots of other responsibilitie of which managing my AH's disease is not one, nor is dealing with his issues when he chooses to not progress in his recovery.

I am at the point in my recovery where I can now turn around almost every criticism about my AH (not listening, not being available, not wanting to work on our relationship in a productive manner) and look at my actions and see how I've contributed to my disappointment, anger, frustration. I accept that living with an A will always have some inherent difficulties and I am still working on my sadness and sometimes loneliness.

Alanon works for those living with an alcoholic and suffering from the disease of alcoholism. It works for me.

(((Hugs))) to you on your journey. Take care of yourself and your children.
dancingnow is offline  
Old 03-08-2012, 08:14 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
ODAT63's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
This post reminds me how life with my XAH used to be, I have denial so deep in me that I keep forgetting the bad times, and all I remember is the fantasy.
Thanks.
ODAT63 is offline  
Old 03-08-2012, 08:33 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
What was your intent of the communication? Did you expect him to change his behavior or were you laying down your boundary with no expectation of him?
outtolunch is offline  
Old 03-08-2012, 10:13 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Good point about boudaries Cyranoak, and they must be adhered to.
This may sound trivial, but my partner often tries to cover up the smell of drink with chewing gum. I made a rule a while back that she should not chew gum in our shop-sometimes the place reeked of it. Whether she is drinking or not it makes me uncomfortable, so today when I walked in I pointed out the smell, and our agreement. She protested that it was just anti smoking stuff-I calmly told her it's all the same to me-just don't do it. People have left the premises in the past because of the smell (alcohol plus overpowering gum)
painterman is offline  
Old 03-08-2012, 11:19 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Lafayette, Louisiana
Posts: 14
You shouldn't blame yourself. This is his problem and you are great for sticking around with him to help him.
DrStrangelove is offline  
Old 03-08-2012, 01:20 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Actions speak louder than words....
fourmaggie is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:21 AM.