Church and Recovery
I grew up catholic, or should I say was forced to go to catholic church growing up. It was always hard to listen about how "we are not worthy" and "you're a sinner" etc, so I was glad to get away from that when I was able to. I've never considered myself to be atheist or agnostic, but it's hard to grasp what I read in the bible and what I hear at church.
Recently, I've been going to church again and bible study regularly for the past 3 months. What I've noticed is that when I leave church I always feel worse about myself. The pastor will touch on everyday things in life that we do wrong and it really makes me look at myself negatively.
It's the exact opposite of how I feel at an AA meeting. No matter what, I always feel better when I leave a meeting. I don't care how bad it is or what was said in the meeting, it makes me feel better. I can't express how much I relate to "we are not saints" or "progress not perfection" etc.
I was able to choose my own conception of God when I first got sober, began to pray everyday, and have worked hard on my spiritual life these past 15 months sober. Well ever since I've started attending church to try and get closer to God, everything has gotten harder and made me feel worse.
I'm actually reading the bible thoroughly for the first time while attending the bible study. It's hard to explain, but I find myself cringing a lot when certain things are said or subjects of "unworthiness" are brought up. While I do like a lot of what it says, it is getting harder and harder to relate to a lot of what I've been learning. I don't know what's holding me back or what I need to do and it's really taking a toll on me.
I guess I'm wondering how some of you got over your reservations or what you have done when reading the bible, and what helped you truly believe a lot of what is said.