Gracey

My AH blamed drinking for everything.........

Drinking is his medication for all his problems......all of the problems are still there and will always be there until he decides to get help......

I no longer blame drinking, for his affair, for his violence, for his emtional abuse.....this is a very sick person with alot of emotional problems stemming from his past.......and I cant heal his emptyiness that he feels.....this hurt was way before me....I think the way he acts and thinks are survival skills.....and how he was taught to deal with things................ beer was his escape..........for all the pain........and dissappointment he was subjected to.......I am beginning to understand things a little better.....

He has to lash out at people, to make himself feel important.......to feel like he is worth something......he needs to be recognized for all the things he does........cause to him he has to do nothing.......and when he does something......he needs praise, he needs good job.........like I would do with my kids when they get a job done or an A on a test......

All of these are little baby steps that I am seeing..........and with each thing I see........it is helping me to realize how much of this really isnt me...........and it is also helping me see.......there is nothing I can do about his pain.......I just didnt know how in depth all of this was.......I cant fix any of his past........When or if he does start drinking again.........I know that in my heart......it is just a cover up for all the real problems...........drinking makes thing worse for me and my family.......but he doesnt see it that way.........he see it as the only thing to make him feel better..........this is who he is and who he has always been............and I cant make him see what I see..........he has to see it for himself......he hasnt been drinking for five months now.............I have only seen a little change in him............he still gets mad at the same things.......he still cusses............he still has no patience........he is a ball of nerves......he cant handle stress......but it took him not drinking for 5 months for me to see this........this is the first time he has been completly alcohol free in years.....so I thought everything would get better if he would quit........but how wrong I was..........

This is why no matter what I have to work on me..........I cant help him..........I truly see how this is a sickness.........and when you have an ear problem you go to an ear specialist..........when you have depression, you go to a counselor......my expertise is not in pyschology or alcohol........so how the heck can I help either one..........for him........I cant........but alcoholism is alot deeper to fix.....with an ear infection........there are antibiotics............but alcoholism is so complex, not only physically but emotionally.....and it took years for it to develop and it is going to take years for it to get better........

I must be getting stronger.........because I never would have even thought this before.............this is just another sign to me...............its not my fault............I am a good person..........this is such a good place to be at..........but it a constant struggle, not to take things personally, and not to take blame on me........for his unhappiness...........


I am awakening more then I am ready for.......it is scary......but I am glad I am seeing things......