Blame

Old 09-23-2004, 10:12 AM
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Gracey
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Blame

My AH blamed drinking for everything.........

Drinking is his medication for all his problems......all of the problems are still there and will always be there until he decides to get help......

I no longer blame drinking, for his affair, for his violence, for his emtional abuse.....this is a very sick person with alot of emotional problems stemming from his past.......and I cant heal his emptyiness that he feels.....this hurt was way before me....I think the way he acts and thinks are survival skills.....and how he was taught to deal with things................ beer was his escape..........for all the pain........and dissappointment he was subjected to.......I am beginning to understand things a little better.....

He has to lash out at people, to make himself feel important.......to feel like he is worth something......he needs to be recognized for all the things he does........cause to him he has to do nothing.......and when he does something......he needs praise, he needs good job.........like I would do with my kids when they get a job done or an A on a test......

All of these are little baby steps that I am seeing..........and with each thing I see........it is helping me to realize how much of this really isnt me...........and it is also helping me see.......there is nothing I can do about his pain.......I just didnt know how in depth all of this was.......I cant fix any of his past........When or if he does start drinking again.........I know that in my heart......it is just a cover up for all the real problems...........drinking makes thing worse for me and my family.......but he doesnt see it that way.........he see it as the only thing to make him feel better..........this is who he is and who he has always been............and I cant make him see what I see..........he has to see it for himself......he hasnt been drinking for five months now.............I have only seen a little change in him............he still gets mad at the same things.......he still cusses............he still has no patience........he is a ball of nerves......he cant handle stress......but it took him not drinking for 5 months for me to see this........this is the first time he has been completly alcohol free in years.....so I thought everything would get better if he would quit........but how wrong I was..........

This is why no matter what I have to work on me..........I cant help him..........I truly see how this is a sickness.........and when you have an ear problem you go to an ear specialist..........when you have depression, you go to a counselor......my expertise is not in pyschology or alcohol........so how the heck can I help either one..........for him........I cant........but alcoholism is alot deeper to fix.....with an ear infection........there are antibiotics............but alcoholism is so complex, not only physically but emotionally.....and it took years for it to develop and it is going to take years for it to get better........

I must be getting stronger.........because I never would have even thought this before.............this is just another sign to me...............its not my fault............I am a good person..........this is such a good place to be at..........but it a constant struggle, not to take things personally, and not to take blame on me........for his unhappiness...........


I am awakening more then I am ready for.......it is scary......but I am glad I am seeing things......
 
Old 09-23-2004, 10:50 AM
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Gracey -
I'm so proud of you for all the work you've done and all the progress you've made !

I know what you mean about the scary part but it is worth being scared. Remember when you were little and had growing pains? Same thing here - growing pains. You're getting taller every day !
Hugs and smiles - L
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Old 09-23-2004, 11:15 AM
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gracey - great post - not only are we powerless over alcohol, but also powerless to heal anyone but ourselves and it's a hard pill to swallow at first until we can change our behaviors.

how did the counseling session go?

hugs - cwohio
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Old 09-23-2004, 11:26 AM
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gracey - great post - not only are we powerless over alcohol, but also powerless to heal anyone but ourselves and it's a hard pill to swallow at first until we can change our behaviors.

how did the counseling session go?

hugs - cwohio
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Old 09-23-2004, 11:34 AM
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gracey - great post - not only are we powerless over alcohol, but also powerless to heal anyone but ourselves and it's a hard pill to swallow at first until we can change our behaviors.

how did the counseling session go?

hugs - cwohio
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Old 09-24-2004, 06:26 AM
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I was having alot of problems yesterday......my post didnt go through........

It was just another lesson learned in my opinion.....that is how I am going to look at it. I had to go home wake up my husband.....who cussed and said this was a bunch of BS.........complained all the way there........when we were there as usual nothing was solved......we spent the whole time arguing.......It was all negative......nothing was resolved at all regarding my oldest child.......

I have decided to let go of this situation.......I am not happy going to counseling with my husband..............I am not going to continue to see this counselor........in January I am going to seek out my own individual counseling and work on me...... My H thought it was a bunch of BS right from the beginning and told me so......so he was doing it to humor me........he complained every week anyway.........

I am never going to say another word to him about counseling.......I am going to find one that I like and I am going by myself...........counseling was another thing I was doing for him.......I didnt think I needed to be fixed......so I was going in hopes that the counselor would make him see the light..........I know how wrong my thinking is.......It was almost like I was wanting the counselor to say Hey wake up....you have got a great family what are you trying to do.....I was thinking the counselor would fix him for me........In desperation my husband agreed to go.....it isnt what he wanted......I knew that but I kept pressuring him........hoping he would see something.........

I am letting go of all of that..........boy do I know, I cant do a darn thing.......for him......It is almost like I can distance myself in an odd way......from certain things in our relationship now.......Its weird I cant explain it.....he is not going to see anything about anything unless he wants to........and I truly know this in my heart now........

This site and Alanon meetings was my first step, going to counseling by myself is my next goal.....but I cant start till January....for a new counselor......I just seen this flyer at work today.....regarding taking a sewing class.........I think it would be fun........I want to take this class.........so i am going to let my husband know I am interested in this class and I am going to take it........
 
Old 09-24-2004, 06:39 AM
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Gracey, discovery is such a wonderful thing, it is a hard way to go sometimes, but it is always just what we need.

I tried to have my AH go to counseling too, his attitude was the same. I dropped it from the first discussion. He went to a few church marraige meetings with me, but that died out soon. Detachment was the only other alternative. You have did all that you can to try to save him....well, we know now...and that can be wonderful. It makes us feel a void, but compared to the alternative...I'll take the void.

As you continue on, on your own road to recovery, you know that you are going to feel better. It does not make the situation go away, but from the inside, things begin to feel better. Going through the change may feel like a rollercoaster, but don't fret, keep your eye on you and things will stay more balanced within.

Praying for you and wishing you well in your journey. Sewing sounds so wonderful, don't let anything stand in your way.

Take care.
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Old 09-24-2004, 06:47 AM
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HI Gracey - I've been reading your post and I am just so impressed with how far you've come - you are an inspiration. I know exactly what you mean about the counselor and it not helping your AH. We are going to see one now, and she so much as told him this drinking would kill him, make our children grow up to be alcholics or adult children of alcholics, ruin our lives - non of it phased him a bit. He just is not ready to see. He was supposed to schedule our next appt, but hasn't yet ofcourse. So, I think I'll ask him today if he is - and if so, when - and if I'm just getting a con job, I'm going to tell him to forget it, and that I'll just go alone. I know what I need to do in this marriage anyway - I'm just working on the peace of mind to do it. Anyway, thanks for sharing your discoveries, you have helped many of us!
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