I had 10 years under my belt when I picked up. I has taken me 12 YEARS to get back on the road which led me to where I am now at 20 months w/o a substance (other than Cigarettes-coffee.)
I understand your confusion. Exploding head, nerves that were on fire, depression, substitution, homelessness, jail, hospitals, rehabs, and the list goes on.
If you go to AA/NA meetings why not scope out the crowd for someone you can identify with and TALK ABOUT IT.
I needed to make a decision, choice, commitment to myself to do the only thing I knew that could free me.
Prayer,and the 12 steps in the big book (again) with my sponsor followed by LIFE.
believe