Thread: Afraid to believe???
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Old 03-04-2012, 04:37 AM
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gurlie214
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
Unhappy Afraid to believe???
Good Morning Everyone!
I've been reading your posts and praying and reading some more and first and foremost, I would just like to say Thank You for your transparency! Knowing you are not alone is tremendously healing in and of itself. My story (the brief version) my husband is addicted to cocaine, has been for 13 or 14 years. He went to an outpatient program 7 years ago (we were only dating at the time) because I finally got smart and broke things off with him once I realized what was really going on. It merits mentioning, I am extremely naive when it comes to drugs as I have never even been around them, let alone used. So I now see that this "rehab" experience was an effort to keep me in his life. I fell for it, believed in him, believed in us, yada yada yada. You know the drill. We marry 2 years later and have a baby boy 2 years after that. Life is good. I notice he is drinking more than normal and definitely seems somewhat distant, and honestly, I was afraid there was someone else. This went on for a while and I questioned and questioned and finally quit asking and just prayed more and focused on being a mother. Fast forward to about a month ago. AH sits me down and tells me he never stopped using coke and he wants to stop and needs help. Jaw on the floor!!! WHAT??? I have been married to a man for 5 years, with him altogether for 8, and he has been snorting cocaine the entire time and I didn't even know??? Again, this is the brief version, but that's the gist of it. So, he is in an inpatient treatment (has been for 3 weeks) and I keep telling myself HE ASKED FOR HELP....HE DIDN'T HAVE TO EVER TELL ME THIS (bc clearly my dumba$$ didnt know), so surely that means something, right? The truth is, I am terrified. I don't know what to think. I am an emotional trainwreck right now bc my entire life is turned upside down. He writes the most beautiful letters (i am sure they all do) and I want to believe this change....but I am scared to death to believe in him, in this process, in anything. How did I not know? How? How could he do this to our family? How is this my life? I don't want to put ANY faith in him, and I won't.....but I am afraid to believe anything right now. Would love to know any similar, or even not so similar stories. Thanks for reading.
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