Afraid to believe???

Old 03-04-2012, 05:37 AM
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Unhappy Afraid to believe???

Good Morning Everyone!
I've been reading your posts and praying and reading some more and first and foremost, I would just like to say Thank You for your transparency! Knowing you are not alone is tremendously healing in and of itself. My story (the brief version) my husband is addicted to cocaine, has been for 13 or 14 years. He went to an outpatient program 7 years ago (we were only dating at the time) because I finally got smart and broke things off with him once I realized what was really going on. It merits mentioning, I am extremely naive when it comes to drugs as I have never even been around them, let alone used. So I now see that this "rehab" experience was an effort to keep me in his life. I fell for it, believed in him, believed in us, yada yada yada. You know the drill. We marry 2 years later and have a baby boy 2 years after that. Life is good. I notice he is drinking more than normal and definitely seems somewhat distant, and honestly, I was afraid there was someone else. This went on for a while and I questioned and questioned and finally quit asking and just prayed more and focused on being a mother. Fast forward to about a month ago. AH sits me down and tells me he never stopped using coke and he wants to stop and needs help. Jaw on the floor!!! WHAT??? I have been married to a man for 5 years, with him altogether for 8, and he has been snorting cocaine the entire time and I didn't even know??? Again, this is the brief version, but that's the gist of it. So, he is in an inpatient treatment (has been for 3 weeks) and I keep telling myself HE ASKED FOR HELP....HE DIDN'T HAVE TO EVER TELL ME THIS (bc clearly my dumba$$ didnt know), so surely that means something, right? The truth is, I am terrified. I don't know what to think. I am an emotional trainwreck right now bc my entire life is turned upside down. He writes the most beautiful letters (i am sure they all do) and I want to believe this change....but I am scared to death to believe in him, in this process, in anything. How did I not know? How? How could he do this to our family? How is this my life? I don't want to put ANY faith in him, and I won't.....but I am afraid to believe anything right now. Would love to know any similar, or even not so similar stories. Thanks for reading.
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Old 03-04-2012, 08:33 AM
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gurlie214, what an awful feeling, like having the rug pulled out from under you and hitting your head on the floor. You are very smart to be scared right now - you've been manipulated and betrayed by someone you love and trusted. As for how could he do this? Well he is an addict in the throws of active addiction. I'm not really sure that there is a limit as to what they will or will not do in order to keep using their doc (drug(s) of choice). I'll venture a guess as to why he confessed to you: Something happened, and he confessed to you himself before you found out. Either an employee drug screen came up positive (dirty, as it's called) and he was referred to EAP, or he got caught/arrested buying it, any number of things. Or he owes his dealer a lot of money and they threatened either to tell you/come to the house to get the money from you/ or something much, much worse. Just go to google and check out that triple homicide in Effingham County back in October 2002. That will give you a little insight into what cocaine will get people into. There's an ugly network from Hilton Head, SC, across the big bridge into Chatham, then up to Effingham, then back up the interstate to SC again. (I used to work in a Substance Abuse Treatment facility, and later as a Methadone Counselor, and I have an addict son, so I've been surrounded by addiction information).

Don't believe anything he says right now. Especially the beautiful, eloquently written letters/poems, as they are a clever way to keep you off guard and to manipulate you. There's nar-anon meetings in your area. Please find one and go. It will help you put things into perspective.
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Old 03-04-2012, 08:48 AM
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My case... He said the same thing to me. He said that he didn't need to tell me honestly, but he told me that he's using cocaine... And he really wanted to change... And then, he told me that he's so happy that I didn't walk away and tried to find him therapy treatment. He said that he'd join. Even said that he talked with his addict friends and they both wanted to join. But some weeks later, he said again 'I don't need to tell u, but I tell u honestly.' XYZ(his friend who was interested to join therapy treatment) told him to snort one or 2 line of cocaine, he had been thinking for a while but finally decided to come back home.

I thought that the honesty meant the decision to get clean... But it was just my wish or fantasy
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Old 03-04-2012, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by gurlie214 View Post
I don't want to put ANY faith in him, and I won't.....but I am afraid to believe anything right now.
Please consider finding a recovery program/therapist for yourself.

You'll learn to trust and believe in you
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Old 03-04-2012, 12:04 PM
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Thank you all for the replies to my post. I am taking a class on CoDependency and setting boundaries. It is amazing! I fit every last possible characteristic of "what is a codie"! I am also attending Al Anon, as it is the closest thing I have to Nar Anon without an hour drive...and i do have little ones, so it can be tough, especially with him gone.

anvil, you are so right. I have no idea who the sober person is, nor does he from what I can tell. He's been in a chemically induced fog the majority of his adult life. It is sickening. All I know that I can do right now is get healthy myself and realize that I don't have to make any decisions right now one way or the other. I am seriously considering telling him he can not come back here for a while (maybe forever) when rehab is complete. I don't believe I am strong enough to not "police" right now and I have been there, done that 7 years ago.....and I am NOT going back! It is a miserable life and I will not deprive my children of a healthy mother when they already have a sick father. Make sense? Thank you all again. I will keep you posted!
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