notdoingfine

But not to this problem.

I attended my first AA meeting tonight. Actually ny third. The first two I sat in the parking lot and watched. Too cowardly to walk in. This time I was so angry I went in.

Then walked out. In tears. Excuse my language but what a ***** am I.

I listened to folks speaking of their recent release from half way houses. I listened to folks speak of prison. I have never been arrested. I have no DUI's. I still have my family (I think, she's runnoft for the night). I still have a good job. I still have a house. What a ***** am I.

I listened to some poor fella speak of his cancer. I listened to some poor gal talk of her lost children. Then I listened to some other fella talk of his exposure to alcoholism. WTF? It's a disease? Really? Exposure?

I sat there the whole time thinking of the choices I have made in my life. Choices. Was I exposed? Or did I choose? This ain't the flu, hence, I am a *****.

I so want to stop. I hate feeling hungover everyday. I hate this weird funky smell that has come over me. I hate being a coward. Running out of an AA meeting when i started to speak because I teared up.

I hate what I have become. I need help. Please, someone.