notdoingfine

But not to this problem.

I attended my first AA meeting tonight. Actually ny third. The first two I sat in the parking lot and watched. Too cowardly to walk in. This time I was so angry I went in.

Then walked out. In tears. Excuse my language but what a ***** am I.

I listened to folks speaking of their recent release from half way houses. I listened to folks speak of prison. I have never been arrested. I have no DUI's. I still have my family (I think, she's runnoft for the night). I still have a good job. I still have a house. What a ***** am I.

I listened to some poor fella speak of his cancer. I listened to some poor gal talk of her lost children. Then I listened to some other fella talk of his exposure to alcoholism. WTF? It's a disease? Really? Exposure?

I sat there the whole time thinking of the choices I have made in my life. Choices. Was I exposed? Or did I choose? This ain't the flu, hence, I am a *****.

I so want to stop. I hate feeling hungover everyday. I hate this weird funky smell that has come over me. I hate being a coward. Running out of an AA meeting when i started to speak because I teared up.

I hate what I have become. I need help. Please, someone.

Dee74

Pain and suffering isn't relative tho - you have just as much right to recovery as anyone else, notdoingfine

I think the initial recovery period is very daunting - and it is very scary for everyone

I'm glad you've posted here because I know you'll find a lot of support and encouragement. You're not alone

I hope you'll keep going back to the meetings & posting here - keep moving forward - baby steps are fine if that's all we have in us for now

D

ANEWAUGUST

You are not an a *****. You are someone, fighting the battle of the bottle looking for some support.

Please don't compare your circumstances or bottom to anyone else. We all have lost something, or someone in this battle. Some have lost families and job, some of us lost our soul and our way. Either way, we are people who are hurt, and lost.

I encourage you to attend a couple more meetings. Listen, and ask questions after the meeting if you feel inclined. Everyone in those meetings has felt exactly as you do.
I know, because that is how I felt when I came into the rooms.

Please know that you are not alone. There is hope.

It is possible to live a full and content life sober.

notdoingfine

Thank you both. Funny, I'm sitting in the chat room and someone speaks of a book called "Anger"

Anger is what brings me here. Anger is what sent me in to that AA meeting today. Anger is what had me start using in the first place. Anger, and a very poor understanding of what it is and how to deal with it.

And yes, I am a "starstarstarstar." Man up, for Christ's sake. And yes, suffering is relative. What makes mine so bad is that it is mine. But really, would I not like to have another's? Would another not like to have mine? This is why I say man up.

I will go to more meetings. I will do what I need to make this messed up situation right again. And I will continue to do so. Perhaps that is what I will focus this anger upon.

And I say all this, I have an urge to go get a drink. This is surreal.

notdoingfine

And really what is this bizarre stink that has come over me in the last few months? I wouldn't call it bad. It doesn't smell like alcohol. It doesn't smell like b.o. It's this bizarre sorta sour strange smell. Is this usual? It actually kind of frightens me.

jocata

Welcome to SR notdoingfine. You are defenately not alone.

I had to try several different meetings before I found the ones that felt right for me. Try to listen for the similarites of how others FEEL because of alcoholism. Many of us didn't lose everything or even much of anything, but ourselves. The guilty, smelly, awful, remorseful, self-loathing feeling that we can all relate to in the midst of our addiction.

Don't give up.

God bless.

ANEWAUGUST

Of course you have an urge to drink, that is what we alcoholics do, we drink.

You can be as hard on yourself as you like, if it helps you get sober.

In sobriety though, I have learned that the way I used to view things, including myself changed. I realized I was a sick person trying to get well. The anger for me, has subsided.

Impurrfect

(((notdoingfine))) - Welcome to SR! Unfortunately, even when we know we want to quit, the cravings still come. They get better, though, and we learn that just because we want something (drink, drug in my case), we don't have to give IN to those feelings. They pass.

I worked through many a craving, sitting right here on SR.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

MsJax

Welcome notdoingfine. You can go to another aa meeting tomorrow. Please never compare yourself, everyone's got their own issues going on as a result of alcoholism. I always say drugs & booze are the great equalizers...it matters not our lot in life, they want us dead.

This is an amazing site, I hope you read & post lots, I feel the fear in your posts.

I know by the time I got sober the by products of alcohol were emanating from my pores too. And whenever I'm around a chronic drinker now I can smell it on them. It's probably just all the toxins in your body.

Very warm welcome & best wishes to you.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

You are not alone anymore, keep coming back!

keepfinding2

Hello and welcome to SR. You will find lots of advice here. Sorry to hear that you have had a hard time with this. I can assure you that all or most of us have. Just got to take it one day at a time and know that it will get better.

Welcome to AA meetings also. You don't have to worry too much about people calling alcoholism a "disease". You may hear a lot of crazy things at AA. Every now and then the cops might get involved. I used to use the "disease" excuse to as a cop out also. It was a great way to escape any responsibility. You may hear this from time to time at meetings. It's just something that some people say. You can use whatever terminology that you want.

Wish you the best

Sapling

Welcome notdoingfine...Glad to see you tried AA...It's been great for me...If I walked into a meeting like you did..I wouldn't have made it halfway through it...I would have left..... Disease?...Call it what you want...Addiction works better that's fine...Some people don't like to referred to as an alcoholic...I didn't...Then I found out I was one...Point is...You don't like what you're getting from it...And you're on a recovery site....This is what I would do....Keep trying meetings... same place..different times..Different places..different times...You are going to find one that is just right for you...You'll know it...They'll be talking about getting better rather than how bad their day went or how many DUI's they got....If I want to hear that I'll go to a bar...Get serious about it and look into finding a sponsor...Somebody to guide you through this process...Get a Big Book and read it(start with the Doctor's Opinion and the first 164 pages) till you think you understand it...Then read it again....All the answers are in there...All of them...Go through those 12 steps with this guide/sponsor you selected and you have a pretty good shot of never drinking again and living a life you never thought possible...You put in the work...It will work..I'll give you my word on that...Good luck to you...Oh...That smell.....I never noticed it... I always smelled like cigarrettes...

CarolD

welcome to our Alcoholism Forum...

By the end of my active alcholism..I too reeked daily.
I am convinced it was caused by alcohol seeping from my body via the pores of my skin.

It quickly went away when I stopped drinking..

Please take the time to read the 2 top sticky posts on this Forum.....and I wish you well.