Desert....
I read all your posts in this thread and something hit me toward the end...and it was from one of your earlier posts. The whole "call my sponsor, call others in AA, etc etc......BEFORE you picked up a drink" has me thinking
Expecting yourself to pick up that 1000lb phone at the moment of truth when you reeeeeally need to...that's a position I personally don't want to be in. I can't say...maybe I'd pick that phone up and call or maybe I wouldn't. What I DO do though, is make damn sure I'm doing everything possible to ensure I'm never in that position. I work pretty darn hard on my sobriety when things are just fine....to make sure I stay in "fit spiritual condition." The better condition I'm in, the lower the odds that something's gonna knock me for a loop.
I heard an open talk during my first 6 months or so. The speaker talked about alcoholism like lions on the plains in the Serengeti....stalking the recovering alcoholics. The trick is to be in the CENTER of the pack....cuz it's the stragglers who get taken down. That story's been a good reminder to me to watch out for complacency, even when things are going well and everything's A-OK. It's also a good reminder to me to really DIG INTO the recovery process and make it priority #1.
That you had a stumble isn't indicative of not picking up that phone at the moment of truth but rather, that you were likely missing something along the way, prior to those last few minutes. Use it as a learning experience. You now have some additional knowledge about yourself - that you probably shouldn't rely upon the willingness to make that call when you're on the edge. You can go onward now knowing that you need to step your game up.
