desertsong

...but I don't do it. Those of you who read and responded to my post last night, THANK YOU. I was in a very weird and frustrating place and yes ... to my shame ... I did drink. Not a lot, but that really doesn't matter, does it?

I did all the right things ... calling my sponsor, calling other AA friends ... but I did so AFTER I drank. Sigh ...

You know, I've heard it said in the AA rooms a million times that people "needed every drink they took" in order to get them sober. It didn't make sense until today. This is twice in the last two weeks that I've taken a drink due to some sort of emotion I couldn't cope with. I knew what I should be doing instead, but I didn't do it. However, each time I have learned something valuable. I guess it wasn't a wasted experience given that. I have to learn to do some things differently. Obviously.

I love being a part of SR and love being of help to people where I can, and I hope I have been of help to some. I certainly understand what it's like to struggle with this demon called alcohol. Please don't give up on me, and I won't give up on you either.

Getting back on the horse. Day One again. At least it's Day One of sobriety and not day 2 of a horrible bender that could go on for days, weeks or months. I have all of you to thank for that.

Sapling

Do you admit you are powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable?

Anewlife4me11

I'm here for you desertsong!!! I'm not giving up on you!!! Please let me know if u need anything!!

newleaves2012

no one here is gonna give up on you. we're all the same here. I will pray for your strength.

desertsong

Sapling, I did that step again this morning.

Sapling

Then start working on step 2..

desertsong

Yep, got it.

Purplecatlover

I have faith that you can overcome this. We all can.
The fact that you know even " a little" is no good & you came here & confessed it says alot.
I'm proud of you.
Failure is not falling down again & again, it's staying down.
I'm rooting for you Desert!

Sapling

Do you need to think about step 2?....Let me ask you...Do you pray?

Purplecatlover

I just realized what your signature line is Lol.
You've got this.
It took me alot of stops & start again before one finally stuck.

desertsong

Sapling, I've been a believer in God my entire life. I've seen the incredible work he's done in my life time and again. What I've struggled with, however, is the idea that he can really and truly remove this obsession from me. Sometimes it seems bigger than he is ... even though I know that's a lie. Another thing I've struggled with is the full surrender of my addiction to him. There is a part of me somewhere that is still hanging onto those last threads and not being willing to let them go. It's baffling and I have to find out why that is.

Hevyn

There won't be any giving up on you desertsong. Let's try this again. I know it took me several tries, but I finally got it. (4 yrs.) You can too.

Terminally Unique

Although it is certainly prudent to learn from one's experiences, desertsong, be careful not to internalize the idea that "relapses" are little more than a learning experience. Once upon a time, I wanted to have all the "learning experiences" I could have — in the shortest time possible.

Dazee

Failure is not falling down again & again, it's staying down.

Ditto what PCL said. As someone who has also slipped before, it's important to get back in the game as soon as possible. I'm glad you are here and posting about it. Welcome back!!

Purplecatlover

desert, honey, He made the universe & me & you. He can do anything. You have to believe He wants you to be free. He didn't make His children to suffer. We chose to believe the devils lies.
I guess that was the difference w/me was accepting that I could NEVER DRINK AGAIN.

That was a hard pill to swallow, but when I finally realized it would NEVER make me happy & I was FINALLY OK w/ alcohol never being a part of me again, I was free.
That's when I realized what true surrender was.

Sapling

Hand that bottle of wine or whatever you drink over to God and tell him to hold it for you....Then call your sponsor and tell her your ready to start on inventory..Get a black pen...A peice of white paper and a ruler...Read the diections for step four and start writing and praying...When you are working on step nine...See how you feel then...Try and give yourself a quiet hour a day where you can write and pray...Finish your step four.....It's key for moving on...You have to trust me on this one DS...Have faith.

recoverywfaith

Glad you came back to SR desertsong. Not giving up.

desertsong

Purplecatlover, thank you so much for that. I needed to hear it and I need to remember that. He is bigger than any problem I might have. I know that. I just need to believe it. Sounds like a contradiction, but it's true.

desertsong

TU, you are right. Point taken.

Sapling ... will do what you suggested. I think part of my problem has been the "dread" of doing Step 4. Everyone says that's the hardest part, but after they finish they feel a sense of freedom that they've never felt before. I guess I should just do it and get it over with. No sense living in fear of it every day.

Purplecatlover

Desert, I struggled for a long time. Praying for God to deliver me from my all consuming addiction. Only to fail again & again. I think He was waiting for me to learn to trust Him & to show me when He finally did, that it was all Him who delivered me.
Nothing I did worked. I could never have done it on my own.
So I know absolutely He delivered me & continues to deliver me. I live in humility before Him & thank Him daily for giving me another chance.

He wants to know You want Him more than booze. You HAVE to be willing to give it up, to open yourself up to all He can do in you.
I'm praying for you Desert. Never give up hope.
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” (Mark 10:27 NIV84)