(((Chiyo))) - I'm so sorry for your losses but really glad you're still sober.
Greif is painful and I think it's human nature that we want to avoid pain. For those of us that are A's, we know of something that will make us numb. I've lost several loved ones in my recovery, everyone of them..I did't want to go through the pain, but I did.
I was there for other people grieving, and I didn't have to keep using (because if I start...I'm not gonna stop until consequences get REALLY bad), then get back into recovery and feel the grief AND the bad feelings of myself that I numbed my way through something.
Hang in there, and know that we are here for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy