I am so wound up right now I don't even know where to start.
My mom called last night, while my husband was home sick with a cold and I was in my sweats, etc., totally not expecting her to be coming over to see us. Of course, she was on her way to our apartment.
She has rented her house out, and needs to move her things by tomorrow, or this weekend at least. We have offered to help, but there was no planning involved at all, so she is making arrangements with friends to get the rest of her things moved over to where she's living now...
All I know is that my mom and step-dad create their own chaos in their lives, they MAKE it happen for them, and then they feel all hurt and upset when people respond accordingly.
Most of the time, when my mom and I visit with each other, it has become more positive, but there are still visits like this one that have left me ranting endlessly.
She was hurt because I didn't make it over for my birthday (uh, the passes were closed due to snow and avalanches), and if we had been able to make the drive over, we had chosen to stay with my aunt, who lives next door (that is because my mom and step-dad insist on having a gigantic St. Bernard as an indoor pet, and I don't relish the idea of my son crawling around in dog drool, etc.)...so, she was on the defensive with this visit already, and as it was unexpected and at an inconvenient time, it was a bit stressful. But, at first, I was glad to have her here.
My mom is really big on taking in the wounded, the neglected, etc., and somehow winding that into what a good person she is, and then winding it even more into her own twisted codependent needs and favoritism. It's awful to watch, but she really congratulates herself on helping people who don't have anyone to help them. I hope she does more good than harm with all of that.
She was shaming me about setting up boundaries with my MIL's crazy codependent friend, and suggesting that I should invite her over for coffee. My standard response: I have my own problems to deal with, and I'm not trying to solve anyone else's problems. I am kind, polite, and helpful with this person, I enjoy talking to her sometimes when she is over with my MIL, and that's about as much of other people's chaos as I want in my life.
She chalked that up to living in the city, as though there is something wrong with having boundaries, or that it's somehow less humane. Hrgghhh...!
Somehow (I dearly wish I could figure out how this happens and how to avoid it), we got on the no-win topic of how people do not grow up to be dysfunctional unless they were raised in a dysfunctional home to begin with, or unless something happened to them. I don't believe that people are just born mean, abusive, prone to addiction, or whatever.
The standard, defensive response is that everyone reacts differently to their environments, and some people turn out just fine.
Well, no they don't. They may be less obvious about it, but it p*sses me off that she still doesn't want to accept any responsibility for how she treated me.
She likes to tell herself (and me) that if she would have not married my step-dad, everything would have been dandy.
What she's neglecting to acknowledge is how completely neurotic and mental she was/is, and how much her behavior scarred me as a child and as an adult.
I forgive her for it, I know that she did the best that she could, but when she tries to lay a guilt trip on me, or chooses to wallow in a depressive state because of the reality she's created for herself, I become very angry and defensive.
I don't even know how we got on the topic, or what we were talking about specifically, but in talking about my childhood, she said "Well, I know that you had it pretty d@mn good, I was there...just get over it."
I told her that this is a standard response, and that I was coming to terms with the fact that there was never going to be any validation from her or anyone else (I didn't add that my dad, step-mom, husband, and plenty of you here on this forum validate my feelings fairly regularly) about my childhood, so that was fine.
Her response: Well, we have, so now get over it.
I have no idea how this awful topic even came up, as I wasn't trying in any way to antagonize her, I think she just sets off triggers and I react to them.
I think that what I'm starting to realize is that, when my mom is talking about the latest troubled person she is trying to help, it's not really crucial or conducive to harmony that I point out that they had to have had a dysfunctional childhood in order for them to be that way to begin with. Clearly, she takes this as a personal dig, even though it's not meant to be.
I think this was such an issue for me in the past, because it was so important to me that she validate my feelings and what she did to me as a child, but at this point I think it's just better for me to accept that she is in total denial about her part, and catch myself the next time I start to go into that spiel.
She can create her own chaos in her life, and I can try to help her to the best of my ability, within reason, and it's just not imperative anymore that she buys into my belief system about why people turn out the way they do in life.
She also pushes her religious beliefs on me, which really torks me. I am very open to all religions and philosophies (or I try to be), but her passive-aggressively dogmatic approach to it is a real turn off. I don't want to be turned off from certain religions because people try to shove them on me, and she's certainly not leading by example.
So, it's good that I'm figuring out where my triggers are with her this evening, so that I can learn how to avoid them with her. Because I do love my mom, I know that she did the best she could, and she still does the best she can. It's just really, really chaotic, dysfunctional, and sometimes outright toxic.
Total rant, but I am SO wound up after this visit that it's going to take a lot for me to calm down a bit...