Surprise visit from my mom. GAHHHH!!

Old 02-29-2012, 06:02 PM
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Surprise visit from my mom. GAHHHH!!

I am so wound up right now I don't even know where to start.

My mom called last night, while my husband was home sick with a cold and I was in my sweats, etc., totally not expecting her to be coming over to see us. Of course, she was on her way to our apartment.

She has rented her house out, and needs to move her things by tomorrow, or this weekend at least. We have offered to help, but there was no planning involved at all, so she is making arrangements with friends to get the rest of her things moved over to where she's living now...

All I know is that my mom and step-dad create their own chaos in their lives, they MAKE it happen for them, and then they feel all hurt and upset when people respond accordingly.

Most of the time, when my mom and I visit with each other, it has become more positive, but there are still visits like this one that have left me ranting endlessly.

She was hurt because I didn't make it over for my birthday (uh, the passes were closed due to snow and avalanches), and if we had been able to make the drive over, we had chosen to stay with my aunt, who lives next door (that is because my mom and step-dad insist on having a gigantic St. Bernard as an indoor pet, and I don't relish the idea of my son crawling around in dog drool, etc.)...so, she was on the defensive with this visit already, and as it was unexpected and at an inconvenient time, it was a bit stressful. But, at first, I was glad to have her here.

My mom is really big on taking in the wounded, the neglected, etc., and somehow winding that into what a good person she is, and then winding it even more into her own twisted codependent needs and favoritism. It's awful to watch, but she really congratulates herself on helping people who don't have anyone to help them. I hope she does more good than harm with all of that.

She was shaming me about setting up boundaries with my MIL's crazy codependent friend, and suggesting that I should invite her over for coffee. My standard response: I have my own problems to deal with, and I'm not trying to solve anyone else's problems. I am kind, polite, and helpful with this person, I enjoy talking to her sometimes when she is over with my MIL, and that's about as much of other people's chaos as I want in my life.
She chalked that up to living in the city, as though there is something wrong with having boundaries, or that it's somehow less humane. Hrgghhh...!

Somehow (I dearly wish I could figure out how this happens and how to avoid it), we got on the no-win topic of how people do not grow up to be dysfunctional unless they were raised in a dysfunctional home to begin with, or unless something happened to them. I don't believe that people are just born mean, abusive, prone to addiction, or whatever.

The standard, defensive response is that everyone reacts differently to their environments, and some people turn out just fine.
Well, no they don't. They may be less obvious about it, but it p*sses me off that she still doesn't want to accept any responsibility for how she treated me.
She likes to tell herself (and me) that if she would have not married my step-dad, everything would have been dandy.
What she's neglecting to acknowledge is how completely neurotic and mental she was/is, and how much her behavior scarred me as a child and as an adult.

I forgive her for it, I know that she did the best that she could, but when she tries to lay a guilt trip on me, or chooses to wallow in a depressive state because of the reality she's created for herself, I become very angry and defensive.

I don't even know how we got on the topic, or what we were talking about specifically, but in talking about my childhood, she said "Well, I know that you had it pretty d@mn good, I was there...just get over it."
I told her that this is a standard response, and that I was coming to terms with the fact that there was never going to be any validation from her or anyone else (I didn't add that my dad, step-mom, husband, and plenty of you here on this forum validate my feelings fairly regularly) about my childhood, so that was fine.
Her response: Well, we have, so now get over it.

I have no idea how this awful topic even came up, as I wasn't trying in any way to antagonize her, I think she just sets off triggers and I react to them.

I think that what I'm starting to realize is that, when my mom is talking about the latest troubled person she is trying to help, it's not really crucial or conducive to harmony that I point out that they had to have had a dysfunctional childhood in order for them to be that way to begin with. Clearly, she takes this as a personal dig, even though it's not meant to be.

I think this was such an issue for me in the past, because it was so important to me that she validate my feelings and what she did to me as a child, but at this point I think it's just better for me to accept that she is in total denial about her part, and catch myself the next time I start to go into that spiel.

She can create her own chaos in her life, and I can try to help her to the best of my ability, within reason, and it's just not imperative anymore that she buys into my belief system about why people turn out the way they do in life.

She also pushes her religious beliefs on me, which really torks me. I am very open to all religions and philosophies (or I try to be), but her passive-aggressively dogmatic approach to it is a real turn off. I don't want to be turned off from certain religions because people try to shove them on me, and she's certainly not leading by example.

So, it's good that I'm figuring out where my triggers are with her this evening, so that I can learn how to avoid them with her. Because I do love my mom, I know that she did the best she could, and she still does the best she can. It's just really, really chaotic, dysfunctional, and sometimes outright toxic.



Total rant, but I am SO wound up after this visit that it's going to take a lot for me to calm down a bit...
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Old 02-29-2012, 06:16 PM
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I'm really glad you shared. I hear insight and space and awareness in your post.

((((healing and serenity and acceptance for us)))))

I have getoverit in my family too
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Old 02-29-2012, 06:34 PM
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I am so sorry Plath, these conversations seem to take the same path every time we have them don't they.

My therapist and I have this conversation every week, you know what your mother is going to say and you know what you are going to say, and is anything going to change when the two of you do this dance every time you get together?

NO NO NO NO and NO! Everything ends up the same.

It makes me just as crazy as it does you, the only thing that works for me is to avoid my mother or avoid these conversations.

I have the same problem with my father on religion, now when he starts in I just say, "we have had this conversation 100 times and nobody's mind will be changed if we have it 100 more times, so we are going to have to agree to disagree" if he continues I just refuse to discuss it with him.

You cannot help that the pass was closed, her being upset about it is unreasonable, think of her like a small child, handle it the same way.

I wish I had better advice, but you cannot overcome denial and unreasonable expectations, and you cannot fix stupid.

Big hugs

Bill
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Old 02-29-2012, 08:25 PM
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Thanks, Frances and Bill.


Ha ha Bill, "You can't fix stupid". I'm surprised they don't watch more of Ron White, since they do lean towards redneckiness. I love his stuff, he's hilarious.

Actually, I'm not really that surprised...

I feel a lot better now that I've vented. I don't want to hurt my mom, but man does she ever set herself up to feel hurt, depressed, neglected, let down, etc..
And there's no way to call her out on her "head in the sand" attitude, because...well, she's got her effing head in the sand.

I also don't want to offend anyone on here with strong religious beliefs. I like it when people lead by example, not by trying to make me feel as though their way is the *only* way. A lot of people on here do lead by example, and I appreciate that. My family doesn't really fit into that category.

My mom is often depressed, and I worry about her mental health and possible suicidal ideations sometimes. Her and my step-dad are both in pretty poor health, although my step-dad is basically on death's door.
So, she has a lot on her plate, but she created so much of her own reality that I just refrain from calling her out on too much of what she's done, because I honestly don't think she could handle the reality of it.

Very frustrating and "crazy making" indeed, but I am so endlessly thankful for this forum and for all of you on here who offer regular support, validation, and positive feedback.

Much love to all of you.

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Old 02-29-2012, 08:43 PM
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Wow that was a hard night. Hate surprises like that, I know what you mean. But you have shown a lot of insight and maturity in this thread. You're really getting in touch with your feelings. Sure triggers still happen and always will however it sounds like you are springing back sooner with more clarity. I never got any acknowledgment from my folks and you may not either but don't let that get in your way of succeeding. You have your baby to think of now, giving that child a safe and happy home. Well we're here for you, glad you got it off your chest.
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:55 PM
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Thanks, Kialua.

I suppose I've been at it for so long with my mom that it may be a bit easier to see what's going on, as opposed to newer situations with people like my MIL.

By the way, I love the book you recommended, it came in the mail the other day. Bill, the book you recommended should have been here, I'll have to see if it's come or not.


Side note:
Ha ha, I never watch Dr. Phil, but I decided to turn it on tonight, and there are some screwed up mothers on there, complaining about their adult children--but the screwy mothers are really getting "called out" on the show, and I'm thinking "I hope my mom's watching this..."

I doubt it would do any good, but it was a funny coincidence (and further validation for my feelings, hooray!)

Thanks again for the support, all of you.

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Old 03-01-2012, 08:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Plath View Post
She has rented her house out, and needs to move her things by tomorrow, or this weekend at least. We have offered to help, but there was no planning involved at all, so she is making arrangements with friends to get the rest of her things moved over to where she's living now...
The system administrator at a company I worked at had a sign on his office wall:

"A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."



T
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Old 03-01-2012, 09:14 AM
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Aww. I've been in that spot! Sorry you had a stressful night with her.

I have done two things that have worked with someone that is similar (she is my aunt and my kids' grandma since my mom (her sister) died before my kids were born). We are close but I imagine it would be way more crazy making if she was my mother.

I have stopped talking about issues that trigger me (or apparently her). It leaves me with one less person to use as a confidant in some areas but that has been well worth the price. I am not confrontational so I just stop talking. I never bring certain topics or people up and if she does I either make an excuse to walk away or get off the phone - or just stop talking. Not one word and she eventually quits. It has taken awhile but she brings things up less and less. I am feeling more balanced and centered as well and have once or twice managed to say I am no longer open to that discussion in a caring/calm way rather then over emotional way. Over emotional gets her going even more - it is like feeding the fire. Calm/caring works for me/her. I definitely no longer try to correct her or offer my view on things. Her view will never change, she doesn't want to grow or learn anything. She wants to tell me the way it is etc. I have stopped responding or just offer a canned response like "I didn't know that." or "I have not thought of it that way." or sometimes all I can manage is "Oh." It does make for a limited conversation but whatever - our time is pleasurable.

When it comes to how she is feeling (also queen of guilt trips, manipulation, game playing etc.) I finally started taking apart each situation. What is my responsibility, what is hers, I'm not responsible for her feelings, is my action or lack of action appropriate etc., etc. It was tedious but it worked. I started doing that because I started watching her own daughter (who does it very well - almost naturally). Her daughter is someone that I look up to and view as emotionally healthy with good boundaries. I knew some answers in my head when I took the situation apart but until I did that I operated on emotional reaction - which was to either take responsibility and do something I didn't want to do or feel guilt/worry because I didn't or just get super frustrated and mad. I can let it go if it does not belong on my side of the street but I have to go through the process to mentally put things on the right side of the street. My default is to hog the entire street This has gotten way faster/easier with practice..

She is a difficult woman and I've also had to manage very carefully the relationship with her and my kids. Right now I do not want to 'cut her out' and I think she brings more positive to the table then negative. I sometimes wonder if that isn't just a lack of recovery on my part or if it is really a thought out and valid decision. I'm banking on the latter! I do know that since I've begun using the two strategies above things have gone a lot better.
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Old 03-01-2012, 03:36 PM
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Sorry about the surprise visit. You might want to work on boundaries with her. For example, let her know that surprise visits are not allowed. You can also have boundaries for topics--we won't talk about religion, etc. That might sound harsh, but it's what I've had to do with my own mom. I also won't engage with her in a conversation about what a victim she is. It's easier for me because I don't live anywhere near my mom. So, my boundaries are on the phone. I also wouldn't go visit her, and wouldn't have her come visit me. You might just have to set some of these boundaries to keep from having to deal with these situations.
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Old 03-01-2012, 03:48 PM
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This is a big fear of mine right now as my mom in the past has shown up at my work unexpected and usually not all together. I agree with blue bell boundaries are important I am still new to all this but I have to say from what I have read they can be a huge help
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Old 03-04-2012, 05:03 PM
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Thanks everyone.

I have, of course, been waiting to post on here until after she left. She stayed for a few days, and there were some digs exchanged back and forth, and so on... But, overall, mostly just the behavior I can expect from her, as irksome as it is.

My mom loves my son, she loves me...even if she isn't as healthy about it as I would prefer...so I think that the best tactic is to choose my battles.

Showing up unexpectedly isn't as big of a deal as some of her other annoying behaviors, and she isn't particularly receptive to people setting boundaries with her.
I believe it would be more hassle than it's worth, as she does generally bring some fairly positive things to the table in her own way, and I would like to keep her in our lives with as little hassle as possible...

So I think that just learning how to move around her in a healthy fashion (changing the subject, working on my triggers, and choosing my battles if/when I feel that I need to set boundaries) is so far the best route. I just need to practice!

The one thing that she does that I think may require setting firm boundaries in the future is point out the things that my son *isn't* doing, rather than focusing on the numerous things that he has learned to do.
He's fairly advanced physically, with his motor skills, etc., but he hasn't learned how to say words yet, etc., and she's very keen to point things like that out. She's usually just making an observation, but she has a tendency to look for the negative in everyone.
He's a 9 month-old who is doing things at his pace, like all 9 month-olds do.
So yeah, if the focusing on what he's *not* doing keeps up, we'll probably have to set a boundary with that.

She has learned *just* enough about behavioral disorders in her last work environment that she is also constantly making comparisons about what people around her do (including my son), and what people who have autism/OCD/Tourette syndrome do. That is fairly offensive to me, so if it continues we'll probably have to cut that off before she has a chance to really get going with it.

Otherwise, I can expect a blowout if I set boundaries about things that are annoying and stressful, but can be lived with.

So, it's stressful, irksome, occasionally infuriating, but it so far is coming down to ME learning how to deal with my own triggers and learning how to choose my battles.

Now if only I could start grouping her and my MIL in the same little category and bring those ideas to fruition!


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Old 03-04-2012, 07:10 PM
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And here I was going to suggest behavior modification therapy for both of them I, I see on ebay where shock collars and conrollers were on sale buy 1 get 1 half off...........

I am glad you survived it, you handled it much more diplomatically than I would have.

Great job,

Bill
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Old 03-04-2012, 08:03 PM
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Ha ha, Bill...the thought certainly does have a daydream appeal, doesn't it?!


I can't say that I was as graceful about her annoying behavior and my triggers as I would like to have been, but I suppose we've just settled into a standard little routine that we have; it needs some tweaking, but it's better than it used to be.

It's very odd, because my mother will say things that trigger me, and I will react defensively, but lately within the past year or so, I've noticed that she is actually the one who will often refrain from carrying on with the topic.

But it's just bizarre that she brings up things that are somewhat offensive or "push my buttons" to begin with, and then when I react, she gets to choose the healthy route of changing the subject, or whatever.

I really don't know what goes on in that woman's mind, all I know is that the only behavior I can control is my own, and if it's something really problematic I can set some very basic boundaries as needed.

It really is weird. She points out my own unhealthy behaviors and reactions that I learned from her, but she is evidently completely unwilling to acknowledge the fact that I learned the behaviors from her!

Now *that* can be frustrating, especially because she hasn't changed those behaviors in her own life...so, it's not as though I can look at her and say "oh my, yes, what an exemplary role model you are for this advice!"
There have been many times when I have fantasized about just really calling her out, no holding back.
But I did that once, and she didn't own up to a d@mn thing, even though I was sobbing and completely breaking down while I was telling her about how she destroyed my childhood.

Well, she's gone back home now, and after she left I got to spend some time with true friends who I haven't had time to see for a while, they met my son, and I had a nice Saturday night at home with my friends, husband, and son.


Now to get over my MIL's annoyingly confusing behavior and mixed messages, and the fact that she (or her friend) rearranged all of my kitchen knickknacks and decorations while she was babysitting today.

That has to be one of my biggest pet peeves ever, and I just got done putting the very same things back after my mom rearranged them because she's exasperatingly obsessive-compulsive about not having anything on the counter or table tops. Erghh!


Note to self: Lesson of the year--move around people's obnoxious behaviors whenever possible, be aware of my own, and choose my battles when it comes to debates or boundary setting.

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Old 03-04-2012, 10:11 PM
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I know what you mean, my mom does these commando attacks on my psyche, but when you call her on it she blames the alcohol, as if that was a get out of jail free card for all her deplorable behavior. She then follow this up when you try and discuss the alcohol issue by saying that she does not have an alcohol problem. And my dad has let her get away with it for so long that it is pointless to try and call her out from the land of oz, so I just back further away.

Glad you got to spend some quality time with friends, hang in there, we will all get through this as long as we have each other.

Big hugs,

Bill
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Old 03-05-2012, 03:24 PM
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Those sound like familiar behaviors to me!! My mom blames everything in her own life on her mother, but then takes no responsibility herself. I told her that if she can blame things on her mother, then I should be able to blame things on her. LOL. That didn't go over very well.

When my mom was better, she would also OCD move things in my house. It was an annoying habit.

That stuff where she is comparing your son to kids where she works sounds very inappropriate!! It's rude for her to say that and ridiculous. I can see why it would make you upset.

I'm glad you were able to get some time with your friends!
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Old 03-05-2012, 04:05 PM
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Yeah, the comparison thing is starting to get pretty old. She does it with everyone (she was working with DD adults at her last job, so I don't even know how much experience she has with children who exhibit behavioral issues).

I get the feeling that she sees a lot of those characteristics in herself (OCD, BPD, etc.), and is trying to see if/when other people's characteristics and traits also might fall into that category. I'm not a mind reader, but that's the impression I get...and, well, she's already been diagnosed with OCD, so I'm sure it makes her feel better if she can believe that other people exhibit those traits even if they don't.
She thinks everything is hereditary, and I think that we're mostly a product of our environment, our own unique personalities, genes, and individualized responses to our environments....etc., blah blah blah...

But yes, it is inappropriate and offensive, although I doubt that she's even aware of any of that. It's irritating enough when she does it to me (I do not have OCD or BPD, etc., but she's always great to point out if I'm obsessing over something), but if she's going to start drawing comparisons with my son, my husband and I have already decided that we will be putting our foot down.

She never really does it directly, it's like she's just making her own little observations (out loud), and it's just her ingrained behavior that causes her to search out the negative in people, or things to be fearful of.
Honestly, I think that my mom derives a disgusting, secret pleasure out of seeing tragedies happen in other people's lives. It's bizarre.

...Now, if I could just un-learn that ingrained thought pattern of searching out the negatives and finding any possible scenario to be fearful of, life will be a lot more pleasant!

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Old 03-05-2012, 04:54 PM
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I can tell you that for me, at the height of my insecurity, pre-therapy and pre-prozac days, I enjoyed flinging cutting remarks, laughing at other peoples misery, and was generally negative about everything. This behavior made me feel much better about myself.
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Old 03-05-2012, 05:35 PM
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I can identify with that too, Bill.

I don't derive any enjoyment whatsoever when people are miserable, or when bad things happen to them (even people who are really unpleasant), but I do tend to throw out the snarky remarks without much thought, as a sort of preemptive attack...and, I suppose, as a way of trying to make myself feel "better" than other people because I feel so down low about myself.

I know I've mentioned that trait in myself before, but it certainly bears repeating, at least for my own continued acknowledgement.

I hate that about myself, and I find that I still do it (well, I've only really been digging at this stuff for a couple of months, so I'll give myself a bit of a learning curve). But I'm glad that I don't do it to the extent that my mom does.

I'm also very quick to point out any potentially fearful conditions with any scenario, and it drives me crazy. I know we've all said it many times, but it's like I was never taught how to truly be happy, so I just don't know how to do it. And so it goes...

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Old 03-06-2012, 03:02 PM
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It sounds like your mom is very anxious and so she is worrying about all the possibilities. I work with a similar population that she does, and a lot of staff worry a lot about their own kids. Sometimes I think they probably overly analyze each move their kids make. That's part of the hazard of the job. You see the worst case scenario--which is not the reality.

My mom is a negative worrier, and so were the couple of generations of women before her. One time when I was 16, my mom actually complained about my pessimistic attitude. I thought it was pretty funny considering I had learned most of it from her. Plus, she was always creating disaster that we were always trying to recover from.

You can't change your mom. She will most likely stay the way she is. The only thing you can do is take steps to make your life better.
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Old 03-06-2012, 04:43 PM
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Yes, I agree. I think we've talked on other threads about our similar work environments, so I haven't been immune to worrying a little bit about things like that...I just choose not to dwell on those fears.

I also come from a line of worriers, so there are plenty of other fears that my mind likes to fixate on.

My mom also has some laughably good advice lately. While she was here, she said to me "you know, there are some things that you just don't have to say out loud to people..." when I was talking to my husband about a house we were going to go look at, and of course dwelling on the negative (I was joking about the house, but she actually had a valid point).
I wanted to laugh, and I did my best, but the snarky comments came out anyway. We were able to laugh about it though, which is good.

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