JustAYak

Perhaps "will" was a bad word to describe it. It's very difficult to describe really...its a feeling of powerlessness to the drug, submission. It consumes us, all of our thoughts and behaviors. Everything takes a back seat to the drugs, but that doesn't mean we don't realize what's going on in front of us, we just chose to not deal with it and avoid all the pain and work we'd have to go through to fix it PLUS whatever pain we were originally avoiding when we started abusing the drugs in the first place. So, in my case, I didn't feel like I had the power to get out of my addiction, I just felt stuck. I wasn't that I didn't desire stopping, I wanted to get off the junk long before I even attempted too, I just felt like I was too weak and nothing would work. I had given up basically before even starting the road to recovery. I lost a lot of things to addiction both directly and indirectly. Seeing my dad kill himself because he couldn't take the guilt anymore (I'm assuming) from his own heroin addiction finally got through to me. Bottoms are real...some people reach them, some don't. Sad reality with addiction.