What powerless means in AA. I can not drink today but when I pick up a drink I have no control over how much I drink and what happens. I may say I'm having two beers, even believe it, but I have no control it. So I'm powerless over alcohol. But I'm not powerless over my choices and what I do and say.
It sounds hellish to be in your shoes. Do you have a sponsor? It can make all the difference between staying sober or drinking again. And, the support is enormous. I recommend this and talking at meetings about how you feel.