Ramblings of a recovering codie.
Today is my wedding anniversary. Last year on our anniversary, my AH got drunk and we had a huge fight. Last year, I thought "next year will be different." I suppose this year is different - my AH has been sober for a few days and he is dedicated to his recovery (again).
Meanwhile, I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I had a recent revelation that I am a codie and need to work on me. I don't know who I am anymore or what I want. I don't know if I want to be with my AH anymore (he's moved out and trying to come home). I tried talking to my AH last night and he said me bringing up the pain from the past does not help his recovery. Oh, so I am just suppose to forget all that he has put me through. Got it.
I told my AH last night that I am not sure if I want to be in this marriage anymore. He responded that he had the same feelings. Funny. I thought I was the one that had been lied to, decieved and called wretched names. Now he's not sure that he wants to be with me? When I had self esteem, I always said that I don't want to be with a guy that doesn't want to be with me. Now I'm married to one. How did that happen?
In the last few years, I've cared for my AH and not me. Now I want someone to care for me. I feel selfish because my AH can't give me that. So am I just suppose to wait? I've waited for TWO years. For TWO years, I kept thinking, things will get better when... Well, it hasn't gotten better. So today my AH is sober. Is that suppose to excite me? Last week he wasn't sober. Last week I hit my rock bottom - I hadn't heard from him all day and made my self sick with worry that he had hurt himself...I'll spare the details, but suffice it to say, after hours of trying to reach him, I found him passed out drunk. But today he is sober. Does that make up for the worry I went through? I realized then that I have to be put first. I don't know how to do that anymore.
Would you believe that I use to have self confidence, that I knew what I wanted and I knew how to take care of myself. I used to have standards. Now, I am so deflated. I feel worthless and pathetic. So very very pathetic. I'm a shell of what I was and I don't know how to get back to me.