Ramblings of a recovering codie.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 24
Ramblings of a recovering codie.
Today is my wedding anniversary. Last year on our anniversary, my AH got drunk and we had a huge fight. Last year, I thought "next year will be different." I suppose this year is different - my AH has been sober for a few days and he is dedicated to his recovery (again).
Meanwhile, I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I had a recent revelation that I am a codie and need to work on me. I don't know who I am anymore or what I want. I don't know if I want to be with my AH anymore (he's moved out and trying to come home). I tried talking to my AH last night and he said me bringing up the pain from the past does not help his recovery. Oh, so I am just suppose to forget all that he has put me through. Got it.
I told my AH last night that I am not sure if I want to be in this marriage anymore. He responded that he had the same feelings. Funny. I thought I was the one that had been lied to, decieved and called wretched names. Now he's not sure that he wants to be with me? When I had self esteem, I always said that I don't want to be with a guy that doesn't want to be with me. Now I'm married to one. How did that happen?
In the last few years, I've cared for my AH and not me. Now I want someone to care for me. I feel selfish because my AH can't give me that. So am I just suppose to wait? I've waited for TWO years. For TWO years, I kept thinking, things will get better when... Well, it hasn't gotten better. So today my AH is sober. Is that suppose to excite me? Last week he wasn't sober. Last week I hit my rock bottom - I hadn't heard from him all day and made my self sick with worry that he had hurt himself...I'll spare the details, but suffice it to say, after hours of trying to reach him, I found him passed out drunk. But today he is sober. Does that make up for the worry I went through? I realized then that I have to be put first. I don't know how to do that anymore.
Would you believe that I use to have self confidence, that I knew what I wanted and I knew how to take care of myself. I used to have standards. Now, I am so deflated. I feel worthless and pathetic. So very very pathetic. I'm a shell of what I was and I don't know how to get back to me.
Meanwhile, I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I had a recent revelation that I am a codie and need to work on me. I don't know who I am anymore or what I want. I don't know if I want to be with my AH anymore (he's moved out and trying to come home). I tried talking to my AH last night and he said me bringing up the pain from the past does not help his recovery. Oh, so I am just suppose to forget all that he has put me through. Got it.
I told my AH last night that I am not sure if I want to be in this marriage anymore. He responded that he had the same feelings. Funny. I thought I was the one that had been lied to, decieved and called wretched names. Now he's not sure that he wants to be with me? When I had self esteem, I always said that I don't want to be with a guy that doesn't want to be with me. Now I'm married to one. How did that happen?
In the last few years, I've cared for my AH and not me. Now I want someone to care for me. I feel selfish because my AH can't give me that. So am I just suppose to wait? I've waited for TWO years. For TWO years, I kept thinking, things will get better when... Well, it hasn't gotten better. So today my AH is sober. Is that suppose to excite me? Last week he wasn't sober. Last week I hit my rock bottom - I hadn't heard from him all day and made my self sick with worry that he had hurt himself...I'll spare the details, but suffice it to say, after hours of trying to reach him, I found him passed out drunk. But today he is sober. Does that make up for the worry I went through? I realized then that I have to be put first. I don't know how to do that anymore.
Would you believe that I use to have self confidence, that I knew what I wanted and I knew how to take care of myself. I used to have standards. Now, I am so deflated. I feel worthless and pathetic. So very very pathetic. I'm a shell of what I was and I don't know how to get back to me.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi Auriana...I felt so much like you a few weeks ago. I could have written those same feelings...not the same story, but believe me I relate. The bad news is - I don't have the answers for you! They call codependency 'soul sickness' and that is absolutely what it is. It sucks the soul right out of you until you don't even know who you are. A few weeks ago, I hit my lowest point... I felt insane and like I was dying inside. So, I went to a counselor and she said "you have an alcholic marriage and you are codependent". I had always heard that 'codependent', but didn't REALLY understand what it was. Now I do - and I AM codependent. so, I jumped into this recovery 150%..probably overkill. BUT, I feel better than I have in years. I have forgiven my still drinking H - but, I did it for me. I can't stand his still drinking, I can't forget what he has done and the pain he caused...but, I forgave him so I could 'let go' of him, and work on me. It's really about an attitude change for me. I understand now that I am not selfish for thinking of me. I try to think in terms of - what would I be willing to do for someone I love? and I do that for me. (or try to..) That's my goal. And I am working on being honest with myself and with my AH. We are not near where you are, as like I said, my H is still drinking. But, if you are as desperate as I was...you would be willing to try anything! So, I had faith and jumped in..and it works. Alanon, this forum, books...Codependency No More, the Alanon One Day at a Time book, the Courage to Change book. I just keep reading and reading and reading and eventually my subconcious picks up on it and I've started to 'get it'. I feel your pain and being the codependent I am - I'm just sick for you! But, you can feel better - you can get better, it can be better. The information is there - find it - it's helped me more than I could ever say! Peace to you, from someone who understand.....me!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Originally Posted by Auriana
Now I want someone to care for me.
It can be hard at first but gets easier all the time. You are so worth it.
Hugs - L
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Auriana,
You're in the right place. I like Peaches, don't have the answers but I did come across this thought that was sent to me a few weeks back and I offer it to you as a small gift today. You're already taking care of you by coming here and seeking what YOU NEED today.
Peace for today,
Petunia
**********************************8
Defining good in my life is up to me.
We've heard, "Life is as good as we make it," but this sounds far too simplistic. We look at friends, family, and co-workers and often see much unhappiness. If it's up to us to make life good, why do so few take advantage of the opportunity?
It's not that we don't want happiness. All of us do. But many of us mistakenly think happiness comes from outside ourselves. For example, when other people shower us with love, we're happy. When the boss compliments our work, we're happy. On the other hand, relying on our inner wisdom to tell us we're worthy and believing we are worthy are untapped skills for most of us. Fortunately, we are in the right place to acquire these skills.
Twelve Step programs will teach us, if we are ready to take responsibility for our own happiness. Our program friends are learning how to rely on their inner wisdom and their God, and we are learning from their example.
It's really only a simple change in perspective. It's looking within, not without, for knowledge of our worth. There's no mystery to it. We can do it just as they are doing it.
I will monitor how I evaluate my experiences today. Living peacefully and happily is up to me.
You're in the right place. I like Peaches, don't have the answers but I did come across this thought that was sent to me a few weeks back and I offer it to you as a small gift today. You're already taking care of you by coming here and seeking what YOU NEED today.
Peace for today,
Petunia
**********************************8
Defining good in my life is up to me.
We've heard, "Life is as good as we make it," but this sounds far too simplistic. We look at friends, family, and co-workers and often see much unhappiness. If it's up to us to make life good, why do so few take advantage of the opportunity?
It's not that we don't want happiness. All of us do. But many of us mistakenly think happiness comes from outside ourselves. For example, when other people shower us with love, we're happy. When the boss compliments our work, we're happy. On the other hand, relying on our inner wisdom to tell us we're worthy and believing we are worthy are untapped skills for most of us. Fortunately, we are in the right place to acquire these skills.
Twelve Step programs will teach us, if we are ready to take responsibility for our own happiness. Our program friends are learning how to rely on their inner wisdom and their God, and we are learning from their example.
It's really only a simple change in perspective. It's looking within, not without, for knowledge of our worth. There's no mystery to it. We can do it just as they are doing it.
I will monitor how I evaluate my experiences today. Living peacefully and happily is up to me.
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