My intuition is getting stronger and the fog is starting to lift. Clarity is on the horizon. I was honest with him today and honest with myself. He basically is trying to hook me in whatever way he can because like me, he is scared to death of the unknown. He also mentioned that today he thought about buying some pills but that it was only a thought. He is clearly teetering on the edge as he is coming close to his one year off of heroin date. He also said he was having visions of becoming a drug counselor. Talk about all over the place.
I asked him if he truly believed we could have a healthy relationship right now with anyone without first working on ourselves as individuals. It was as if I was speaking a different language. He said of course I feel we can have a healthy relationship or I wouldn't be fighting for you. Then the truth came out. He said, I just want to be with somebody and he said we are running out of time. He said most people by our age are married with kids and I can't wait another year. I could have responded to that statement with so many points but he is not capable of hearing them anyway. It seems to me like he is afraid to be alone and to face his reality about his addiction and recovery, whereas I am not afraid to be alone especially if it is what is best for my recovery. He also cannot see that he is not alone and that he has support if he would just reach out. For me, it is that I miss him and what we could have been and what we likely will never be. I think I miss me. Of course I want true love and I thought we had that and maybe we do. Maybe true love is knowing when to fight for whats in your heart and to let go when it's time.
He acknowledged that it may not be healthy for us to speak if our intention is not to be together right now. He also clearly is looking for an excuse to blame me for his actions. He said that me having a problem with his drinking and smoking is my problem. He said that he doesn't have a problem and that he is alone and just tired of isolating himself because he is waiting for me to make up my mind. Basically, it sounds like he wants something to fill the void and to get a fix whether its heroin, a pill, alcohol, pot, television, sex, porn, or me. He makes excuses to not go to meetings and to get therapy. While I make excuses that it is a good idea to talk to him. We said goodbye again and I hope that enough is finally enough. He will only continue to hurt me and I feel there is no hope for us. I just hope he has the decency to leave me alone for good this time and I hope I find the strength to move on. My whole being is in pain although I have come along way. Why did I not walk away at the first violation of trust. Time to rebuild self-worth and work on inner peace before external love relationships. Breathing feels pretty good for now.
Thanks Zoso for your insight. I feel we are in parallel situations and you seem to be farther a long in the process. It is good to hear that maybe I am coming into acceptance about his addiction, our relationship, and my codependency and recognizing I am powerless to change any of it except for my actions. I am sorry for the hateful actions of your ex and truly hope you are finding peace.
Thank you Lesliej for sharing your story. I can relate with family chaos, abuse, and intimacy issues. For me abandonment and how I relate to love relationships or closely intertwined. My ex still relates this kind of yearning, obsessive, and needy love as true love and I am growing out of that now. He sees me focusing on myself as selfishness with focusing on my career and my dreams instead of making him a priority. Again, it's all projection.
Thanks to everyone else too who has read my story and offered insight. I would like to get to the point of offering insight and support as well to others in this forum. I am almost there as I let go and take that dive down deep that I have not wanted to do until now.