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letting go and loving from a distance

Old 02-22-2012, 01:05 AM
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Question letting go and loving from a distance

Good evening everyone out there in cyberspace. I read your posts daily and usually before bed as it reminds me I am not alone. You are all so strong and inspiring. Whatever your situation may be, I feel there is a reason we are all going through this process and pray for each one of you.

I broke my no contact rule with my ex heroin addict boyfriend and picked up the phone after a few weeks without communication. I am still wondering why I let my curiosity get the best of me. The background to my story is in my previous post and not even sure if it is entirely necessary to understand as we all share a common theme. We love addicts or maybe we are addicted to our addicts or love or codependency or pain. He has not used heroin in a year now but continues to drink alcohol and smoke marijuana. Cycles, patterns, and habits die hard. Attachments, shame, guilt, abuse, and manipulation destroy. Lies and promises hook our attention.

We have come to some understanding. He wants me to come and visit him and talks about marriage and such. All of this seems delusional as we broke up a month ago. I explained to him that my issue is about trust and the reality that he is still in active addiction and is not serious about recovery. There have been empty threats, empty promises, and a lot of pain. I can feel that he is desperate but he is also tired of trying. I think I answered the phone to try to find some peace and comfort. Talking to him has helped validate for me that we are at a crossroads and I am choosing to take another path against some resistance.

I think he wants what is best for me but is also not having an easy time letting me go. I am clearly having a hard time too with letting go. I guess it takes time. Does it take effort? What exactly is surrendering? Somehow I trust that if I can come to some acceptance that if we are meant to be we will be in the very distant future. I get that a relationship with him will likely never be healthy and am 99% resigned to this fact. It's that other 1% that is so dangerous and appealing. Nonetheless, I love him. The hard part of letting go for me is trusting my gut. I know that he is in my heart and my mind plays all sorts of games. But the gut never lies. So I will love him in my heart from a distance while I dive deep into the unknown. I pray for signs, wisdom, angels, grace, forgiveness, and transcendence. Thar might be a lot to ask for on a Tuesday night. Blessings to all...
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Old 02-22-2012, 08:13 AM
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I understand what you are going through. I have been married for 20 years and last Saturday moved to my parents with my children. My AH is in the home and refuses to leave. Texts and calls me with the I love you, Why you leave me, I miss you, etc... Letting go is hard. We are all progress not perfection. Surrendering to me is accepting and fully understanding I am powerless over addiction and the addict. The only person I can change is myself and I give everything else up to my GOD, my Higher Power of my understanding. We all love our ALO's. If we didn't we wouldn't be here. I am not sure if you are working your own recovery program. If not, I suggest attending Face to Face meetings, Alanon or Naranon, work the program, get a sponsor, get some Alanon/Naranon conference approved literature. In time, if you work your program and recovery you will find the answers within yourself. The fog will begin to clear.
Hugs to you!
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Old 02-22-2012, 08:27 AM
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So I will love him in my heart from a distance while I dive deep into the unknown. I pray for signs, wisdom, angels, grace, forgiveness, and transcendence.
Romantic relationships are tough enough as it is. Factor in addiction? What's tough then becomes extremely difficult, especially if he's not in recovery.

When you love someone from a distance, that implies that you've accepted that your powerless over his addiction. And that's a tough thing to do. When we love someone, we want what's best for them and we want to help them. But with addiction, we can't help the addict because the addict is on his own path. It takes strength and courage to let go. But letting go is precisely what you need to do. For his sake and for yours.

Just because we love someone doesn't mean we should be with them.

My AXGF has pulled a lot of hateful stuff over the past 6 weeks. And while I want nothing to do with her, I pray to God that He keeps her safe. And I also pray that He guides her to make better decisions for herself. It sounds like you're doing something similar. Keep doing it, and when the pain gets too much, ask Him to shoulder it with you.

Be strong. Be safe.

ZoSo
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Old 02-22-2012, 09:20 AM
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"why did I let my curiosity get the best of me?"

just like the addict we aren't done until we're done. I am so sick of crack in my life. Me having my ex in my world is like him having cash in his pocket...it equals crack. I am sick of it, and yet...am still not sure of the depths of my "addiction"

taking the dive into the deep can equal a wealth of revelation. our motives and our sensibilities are formed early and throughout life in our experiences. I can look at my actions and understand them so much better. because I understand my motivations and reactions better (from MY side of the street) I have deeper compassion for myself and can better takes steps for healing.

here is a little E, S, & H...

I learned to navigate very dangerous waters as a child. The only source of love for me in a chaotic large family (where I was invisible to my mother) was from my rageaholic father. I learned how to snuggle in against the dangers that no one else in the family would get close to!!

Later, I (unknowingly) discovered that sex gave me what I needed (same brain chemicals as love) there was incest and promiscuity. This eventually led to teen pregnancy and an STD. This brought about deep deep shame, secrecy, and the feeling that I was "damaged goods".

In my love relationship with this man it has been a mixture of both present and past. On one hand we are both pretty amazing people, really. If you met us at a social event you would never guess in a million years how much we are affected by our formative past.

But on the other hand we have been struggling. I think that most "normies" would have walked at the first sign of crack! maybe I'm wrong? But I am a hopeless romantic, a deeply profoundly hopeless romantic...mix that with my formative danger navigating, finding love in inappropriate ways, and an underlying sense of being damaged goods and VOILA! what a set up!!

are there underlying things like this in your life? it took me some really serious therapy, recovery, reading, meditation and a couple of intense codie retreats to get some insight.

On one hand, this man and I have shared all of this and have put our beat up and torn cards on the table. there are other beautiful brilliant masterpiece cards on the table too...but in life it is best to play with the full deck. we could work if we were both committed to recovery and healing. my ex however likes to keep throwing the same trump cards down and he steals the hand to but crack.

now I know that I really don't have to navigate dangerous waters, I don't need to find love in inappropriate places, and I can embrace and love the parts of me that suffered damage...

knowing at least is part of it, in knowing at least you can own your actions, reactions, motives, desires...and curiosity.
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Old 02-22-2012, 09:33 AM
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one more thing...

in my previous, heart wrenching relationship with a commitmentphobe who made endless promises (I have to admit that my active alcoholism probably didn't help his fear level!)
I used to peruse the self help section in the bookstore. (wasn't online back then)
I came across a book written by a man for men; "how to manipulate/seduce a woman", I am pretty sure that it was written with sardonic irony but the truth hurts...

the top two lines were: "offer up the idea of getting married" and "talk about wanting to have children with her" pretty horrible huh? totally manipulative in the worst way.

so whether the person means it and just can't follow through because of a phobia or whatever...or whether they mean it and just can't follow through because, really truly, does someone want their loved one as a spouse or parent when they can't quit being active in their addiction...either way it is manipulative.

maybe not with malice, or with sardonic irony, or intent to break a heart...but these sorts of sentiments, when mixed up in the world of addiction, can be HUGELY manipulative. especially because if one is in love with another enough to desire that possibility of marriage or children with one other...except for the fact that there is drug use present, then the words are spoken on a plane of unrealistic fantasy instead of in the present reality. very painful, very seductive...a heart's hook.
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Old 02-22-2012, 04:39 PM
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My intuition is getting stronger and the fog is starting to lift. Clarity is on the horizon. I was honest with him today and honest with myself. He basically is trying to hook me in whatever way he can because like me, he is scared to death of the unknown. He also mentioned that today he thought about buying some pills but that it was only a thought. He is clearly teetering on the edge as he is coming close to his one year off of heroin date. He also said he was having visions of becoming a drug counselor. Talk about all over the place.

I asked him if he truly believed we could have a healthy relationship right now with anyone without first working on ourselves as individuals. It was as if I was speaking a different language. He said of course I feel we can have a healthy relationship or I wouldn't be fighting for you. Then the truth came out. He said, I just want to be with somebody and he said we are running out of time. He said most people by our age are married with kids and I can't wait another year. I could have responded to that statement with so many points but he is not capable of hearing them anyway. It seems to me like he is afraid to be alone and to face his reality about his addiction and recovery, whereas I am not afraid to be alone especially if it is what is best for my recovery. He also cannot see that he is not alone and that he has support if he would just reach out. For me, it is that I miss him and what we could have been and what we likely will never be. I think I miss me. Of course I want true love and I thought we had that and maybe we do. Maybe true love is knowing when to fight for whats in your heart and to let go when it's time.

He acknowledged that it may not be healthy for us to speak if our intention is not to be together right now. He also clearly is looking for an excuse to blame me for his actions. He said that me having a problem with his drinking and smoking is my problem. He said that he doesn't have a problem and that he is alone and just tired of isolating himself because he is waiting for me to make up my mind. Basically, it sounds like he wants something to fill the void and to get a fix whether its heroin, a pill, alcohol, pot, television, sex, porn, or me. He makes excuses to not go to meetings and to get therapy. While I make excuses that it is a good idea to talk to him. We said goodbye again and I hope that enough is finally enough. He will only continue to hurt me and I feel there is no hope for us. I just hope he has the decency to leave me alone for good this time and I hope I find the strength to move on. My whole being is in pain although I have come along way. Why did I not walk away at the first violation of trust. Time to rebuild self-worth and work on inner peace before external love relationships. Breathing feels pretty good for now.

Thanks Zoso for your insight. I feel we are in parallel situations and you seem to be farther a long in the process. It is good to hear that maybe I am coming into acceptance about his addiction, our relationship, and my codependency and recognizing I am powerless to change any of it except for my actions. I am sorry for the hateful actions of your ex and truly hope you are finding peace.

Thank you Lesliej for sharing your story. I can relate with family chaos, abuse, and intimacy issues. For me abandonment and how I relate to love relationships or closely intertwined. My ex still relates this kind of yearning, obsessive, and needy love as true love and I am growing out of that now. He sees me focusing on myself as selfishness with focusing on my career and my dreams instead of making him a priority. Again, it's all projection.

Thanks to everyone else too who has read my story and offered insight. I would like to get to the point of offering insight and support as well to others in this forum. I am almost there as I let go and take that dive down deep that I have not wanted to do until now.
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