"why did I let my curiosity get the best of me?"
just like the addict we aren't done until we're done. I am so sick of crack in my life. Me having my ex in my world is like him having cash in his pocket...it equals crack. I am sick of it, and yet...am still not sure of the depths of my "addiction"
taking the dive into the deep can equal a wealth of revelation. our motives and our sensibilities are formed early and throughout life in our experiences. I can look at my actions and understand them so much better. because I understand my motivations and reactions better (from MY side of the street) I have deeper compassion for myself and can better takes steps for healing.
here is a little E, S, & H...
I learned to navigate very dangerous waters as a child. The only source of love for me in a chaotic large family (where I was invisible to my mother) was from my rageaholic father. I learned how to snuggle in against the dangers that no one else in the family would get close to!!
Later, I (unknowingly) discovered that sex gave me what I needed (same brain chemicals as love) there was incest and promiscuity. This eventually led to teen pregnancy and an STD. This brought about deep deep shame, secrecy, and the feeling that I was "damaged goods".
In my love relationship with this man it has been a mixture of both present and past. On one hand we are both pretty amazing people, really. If you met us at a social event you would never guess in a million years how much we are affected by our formative past.
But on the other hand we have been struggling. I think that most "normies" would have walked at the first sign of crack! maybe I'm wrong? But I am a hopeless romantic, a deeply profoundly hopeless romantic...mix that with my formative danger navigating, finding love in inappropriate ways, and an underlying sense of being damaged goods and VOILA! what a set up!!
are there underlying things like this in your life? it took me some really serious therapy, recovery, reading, meditation and a couple of intense codie retreats to get some insight.
On one hand, this man and I have shared all of this and have put our beat up and torn cards on the table. there are other beautiful brilliant masterpiece cards on the table too...but in life it is best to play with the full deck. we could work if we were both committed to recovery and healing. my ex however likes to keep throwing the same trump cards down and he steals the hand to but crack.
now I know that I really don't have to navigate dangerous waters, I don't need to find love in inappropriate places, and I can embrace and love the parts of me that suffered damage...
knowing at least is part of it, in knowing at least you can own your actions, reactions, motives, desires...and curiosity.