blackandblue

Good evening everyone out there in cyberspace. I read your posts daily and usually before bed as it reminds me I am not alone. You are all so strong and inspiring. Whatever your situation may be, I feel there is a reason we are all going through this process and pray for each one of you.

I broke my no contact rule with my ex heroin addict boyfriend and picked up the phone after a few weeks without communication. I am still wondering why I let my curiosity get the best of me. The background to my story is in my previous post and not even sure if it is entirely necessary to understand as we all share a common theme. We love addicts or maybe we are addicted to our addicts or love or codependency or pain. He has not used heroin in a year now but continues to drink alcohol and smoke marijuana. Cycles, patterns, and habits die hard. Attachments, shame, guilt, abuse, and manipulation destroy. Lies and promises hook our attention.

We have come to some understanding. He wants me to come and visit him and talks about marriage and such. All of this seems delusional as we broke up a month ago. I explained to him that my issue is about trust and the reality that he is still in active addiction and is not serious about recovery. There have been empty threats, empty promises, and a lot of pain. I can feel that he is desperate but he is also tired of trying. I think I answered the phone to try to find some peace and comfort. Talking to him has helped validate for me that we are at a crossroads and I am choosing to take another path against some resistance.

I think he wants what is best for me but is also not having an easy time letting me go. I am clearly having a hard time too with letting go. I guess it takes time. Does it take effort? What exactly is surrendering? Somehow I trust that if I can come to some acceptance that if we are meant to be we will be in the very distant future. I get that a relationship with him will likely never be healthy and am 99% resigned to this fact. It's that other 1% that is so dangerous and appealing. Nonetheless, I love him. The hard part of letting go for me is trusting my gut. I know that he is in my heart and my mind plays all sorts of games. But the gut never lies. So I will love him in my heart from a distance while I dive deep into the unknown. I pray for signs, wisdom, angels, grace, forgiveness, and transcendence. Thar might be a lot to ask for on a Tuesday night. Blessings to all...