hey Zoso,
I can relate...maybe not in exactly the same way but I am getting there...
I once told my qualifier ( I call him that because I keep using EX and then not EX...kind of ridiculous until I really figure it out ) that I would get over the pain and hate (that I was going through in a panic reaction to his relapse) and I would eventually feel "indifferent". I thought it was the biggest insult. (I know you don't mean it as an insult but for me it felt like it at the time).
For me right now, four months later and another relapse, I feel a calm. I don't feel the drama or the panic or the anguish or the heartbreak. I believe all of those things are connected to addiction. I actually think they even kind of feed the addiction.
Look how when your ex uses she gets the attention of her mother. How sad, that without the horrible excuse of using she doesn't get the "love" of her mother. I said that to my "ex" once...I wouldn't any longer feed my heart to his demon/devil of crack addiction. His use feeds everyone's heart to the addiction who is willing to open up and give their heart. It kind of gets "traded in". If he won't protect himself from using, by doing everything it takes, then he won't protect the hearts of those who love him.
It's a catch 22 because the people who love an active addict quite often end up protecting themselves at a safe distance. Then they seek out a new source of heart energy to try to fill the void of self pity and "unloveableness" that gets used as an excuse to use. Super vicious cycle.
My new level of calm...even loving...indifference, feels safe and healthy. I guess I'll see how long I make it last.
