Detaching with Apathy

Old 02-20-2012, 08:40 AM
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Detaching with Apathy

My AXGF's mother called me this morning, inquiring as to whether her daughter left something over my house.

What's interesting about this is the only time her mother is involved in her life is when it's a time of crisis, because the two of them don't get along at all. It's a safe bet that something has happened...

...and as I think about that possibility, it occurs to me how indifferent I am regarding my ex's well being. That doesn't mean I want something bad to happen to her, because I won't wish that. What it does mean is I've detached to the point where it doesn't hit me emotionally has it once did. There's detaching with love on one side, detaching with anger on the other side...and then there's detaching with apathy. She's in God's hands now. It's a sign that I'm recovering pretty well from my ordeal.
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Old 02-20-2012, 10:12 AM
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hey Zoso,
I can relate...maybe not in exactly the same way but I am getting there...

I once told my qualifier ( I call him that because I keep using EX and then not EX...kind of ridiculous until I really figure it out ) that I would get over the pain and hate (that I was going through in a panic reaction to his relapse) and I would eventually feel "indifferent". I thought it was the biggest insult. (I know you don't mean it as an insult but for me it felt like it at the time).

For me right now, four months later and another relapse, I feel a calm. I don't feel the drama or the panic or the anguish or the heartbreak. I believe all of those things are connected to addiction. I actually think they even kind of feed the addiction.

Look how when your ex uses she gets the attention of her mother. How sad, that without the horrible excuse of using she doesn't get the "love" of her mother. I said that to my "ex" once...I wouldn't any longer feed my heart to his demon/devil of crack addiction. His use feeds everyone's heart to the addiction who is willing to open up and give their heart. It kind of gets "traded in". If he won't protect himself from using, by doing everything it takes, then he won't protect the hearts of those who love him.

It's a catch 22 because the people who love an active addict quite often end up protecting themselves at a safe distance. Then they seek out a new source of heart energy to try to fill the void of self pity and "unloveableness" that gets used as an excuse to use. Super vicious cycle.

My new level of calm...even loving...indifference, feels safe and healthy. I guess I'll see how long I make it last.
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Old 02-20-2012, 10:14 AM
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Good recovering, Zoso.

She still got into your head, though. Via mom. They find a way.

Continue to move forward.
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Old 02-20-2012, 06:10 PM
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Love and Hate are both emotions. Each having their own passion.

They are not the opposites of each other.

The opposite of love is indifference. The opposite of hate is indifference.
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Old 02-21-2012, 04:45 PM
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EnglishGarden gives a good warning. With my BPD friend, the day our friendship ended, I had both her and her mom calling me at work to verbally abuse/rage at me. Not sure if it is the same for your ex, but my friend learned her behavior from her mother. It is quite astounding the lengths they will go to manipulate.

I actually had a nightmare just the other night about my friend, in which she went from being overly nice to a rageaholic in the blink of an eye. When I woke up, I had to pet my dog to ground myself and repeat, "This is not my life anymore, this is not my life anymore." I think you are being amazingly strong in your recovery, but be careful dealing with anyone connected to her, they have a way of finding the smallest cracks to slip in and try and regain their hold.
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Old 02-21-2012, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
Good recovering, Zoso.

She still got into your head, though. Via mom. They find a way.

Continue to move forward.
That's the nature of BPD. They try to make us feel what they feel. But, frankly, I don't feel that.

It's almost sad when I say I've divested my emotional investment in her. If something happens to her, then something happens to her. Doesn't mean I wish ill on her. It just means I've been pushed beyond my own point of no return; hence, I'm indifferent to whatever happens to her.
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