Blogs


Notices

Detaching with Apathy

Old 02-20-2012, 08:40 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
Thread Starter
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,381
Blog Entries: 5
Detaching with Apathy

My AXGF's mother called me this morning, inquiring as to whether her daughter left something over my house.

What's interesting about this is the only time her mother is involved in her life is when it's a time of crisis, because the two of them don't get along at all. It's a safe bet that something has happened...

...and as I think about that possibility, it occurs to me how indifferent I am regarding my ex's well being. That doesn't mean I want something bad to happen to her, because I won't wish that. What it does mean is I've detached to the point where it doesn't hit me emotionally has it once did. There's detaching with love on one side, detaching with anger on the other side...and then there's detaching with apathy. She's in God's hands now. It's a sign that I'm recovering pretty well from my ordeal.
zoso77 is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to zoso77 For This Useful Post:
boldaslove (02-21-2012), EnglishGarden (02-20-2012), Impurrfect (02-21-2012), laurie6781 (02-21-2012), lesliej (02-20-2012), outtolunch (02-20-2012), sofacat (02-20-2012), wicked (02-20-2012)
Old 02-20-2012, 10:12 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
lesliej's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
hey Zoso,
I can relate...maybe not in exactly the same way but I am getting there...

I once told my qualifier ( I call him that because I keep using EX and then not EX...kind of ridiculous until I really figure it out ) that I would get over the pain and hate (that I was going through in a panic reaction to his relapse) and I would eventually feel "indifferent". I thought it was the biggest insult. (I know you don't mean it as an insult but for me it felt like it at the time).

For me right now, four months later and another relapse, I feel a calm. I don't feel the drama or the panic or the anguish or the heartbreak. I believe all of those things are connected to addiction. I actually think they even kind of feed the addiction.

Look how when your ex uses she gets the attention of her mother. How sad, that without the horrible excuse of using she doesn't get the "love" of her mother. I said that to my "ex" once...I wouldn't any longer feed my heart to his demon/devil of crack addiction. His use feeds everyone's heart to the addiction who is willing to open up and give their heart. It kind of gets "traded in". If he won't protect himself from using, by doing everything it takes, then he won't protect the hearts of those who love him.

It's a catch 22 because the people who love an active addict quite often end up protecting themselves at a safe distance. Then they seek out a new source of heart energy to try to fill the void of self pity and "unloveableness" that gets used as an excuse to use. Super vicious cycle.

My new level of calm...even loving...indifference, feels safe and healthy. I guess I'll see how long I make it last.
lesliej is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to lesliej For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (02-21-2012)
Old 02-20-2012, 10:14 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
EnglishGarden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Good recovering, Zoso.

She still got into your head, though. Via mom. They find a way.

Continue to move forward.
EnglishGarden is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to EnglishGarden For This Useful Post:
boldaslove (02-21-2012), Impurrfect (02-21-2012), lesliej (02-20-2012), SuzyMarie (02-21-2012)
Old 02-20-2012, 06:10 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
YearForMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Love and Hate are both emotions. Each having their own passion.

They are not the opposites of each other.

The opposite of love is indifference. The opposite of hate is indifference.
YearForMe is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to YearForMe For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (02-21-2012), SuzyMarie (02-21-2012)
Old 02-21-2012, 04:45 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 47
EnglishGarden gives a good warning. With my BPD friend, the day our friendship ended, I had both her and her mom calling me at work to verbally abuse/rage at me. Not sure if it is the same for your ex, but my friend learned her behavior from her mother. It is quite astounding the lengths they will go to manipulate.

I actually had a nightmare just the other night about my friend, in which she went from being overly nice to a rageaholic in the blink of an eye. When I woke up, I had to pet my dog to ground myself and repeat, "This is not my life anymore, this is not my life anymore." I think you are being amazingly strong in your recovery, but be careful dealing with anyone connected to her, they have a way of finding the smallest cracks to slip in and try and regain their hold.
boldaslove is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to boldaslove For This Useful Post:
Impurrfect (02-21-2012), laurie6781 (02-21-2012), zoso77 (02-21-2012)
Old 02-21-2012, 07:25 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
Thread Starter
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,381
Blog Entries: 5
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
Good recovering, Zoso.

She still got into your head, though. Via mom. They find a way.

Continue to move forward.
That's the nature of BPD. They try to make us feel what they feel. But, frankly, I don't feel that.

It's almost sad when I say I've divested my emotional investment in her. If something happens to her, then something happens to her. Doesn't mean I wish ill on her. It just means I've been pushed beyond my own point of no return; hence, I'm indifferent to whatever happens to her.
zoso77 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:39 AM.