Need to vent: my marriage
First of all, I realize that I am not an angel, I have hurt my husband by being an alcoholic. I have wasted money, lost a job, gotten DUIs, embarrassed him, neglected him, said awful things to him.
But I am doing everything in my power to make things right- I have apologized- I am not on the ninth step, so no amends. I am doing a living amends as my sponsor calls it.
And things can be great, but they can also be very crappy. If I use the wrong tone, say something that irritates him, he starts going off and cussing about how much I have put him through and how ****** his life is. He changes how many years he has been in hell- it ranges from 2-5 years. We can't have a normal disagreement because I don't really have the right to disagree.
The jist I get is that this is his right- I have tortured him. He is not going to get any counseling for these issues either. He refuses to go to Alanon.
In all of this he has never stopped drinking. It is "my problem". He drinks every night. He doesn't get drunk per say, but it is more than one or two. He also smokes pot.
He hangs out in the garage and basement and drinks. I go down there to smoke and come back upstairs because I am not going to sit there and watch him drink. Somehow he thinks that this is normal. Or maybe it is okay because he doesn't have DUIs and he still has his job.
Am I crazy? I am not trying to portray myself as righteous. I am just not really sure if I am going to be on board with his lifestyle for the long haul. I don't know how this is going to affect my sobriety. I want lifetime sobriety. Why would I want to be with a daily drinker?
I am really confused and irritated right now. I am going to talk to my sponsor tomorrow. She will probably say "pray about it" and I will, but I want to know what you guys think based on the information I have given and if any of you have any experience in this area.