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Need to vent: my marriage

Old 02-13-2012, 07:58 PM
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Need to vent: my marriage

First of all, I realize that I am not an angel, I have hurt my husband by being an alcoholic. I have wasted money, lost a job, gotten DUIs, embarrassed him, neglected him, said awful things to him.

But I am doing everything in my power to make things right- I have apologized- I am not on the ninth step, so no amends. I am doing a living amends as my sponsor calls it.

And things can be great, but they can also be very crappy. If I use the wrong tone, say something that irritates him, he starts going off and cussing about how much I have put him through and how ****** his life is. He changes how many years he has been in hell- it ranges from 2-5 years. We can't have a normal disagreement because I don't really have the right to disagree.

The jist I get is that this is his right- I have tortured him. He is not going to get any counseling for these issues either. He refuses to go to Alanon.

In all of this he has never stopped drinking. It is "my problem". He drinks every night. He doesn't get drunk per say, but it is more than one or two. He also smokes pot.

He hangs out in the garage and basement and drinks. I go down there to smoke and come back upstairs because I am not going to sit there and watch him drink. Somehow he thinks that this is normal. Or maybe it is okay because he doesn't have DUIs and he still has his job.

Am I crazy? I am not trying to portray myself as righteous. I am just not really sure if I am going to be on board with his lifestyle for the long haul. I don't know how this is going to affect my sobriety. I want lifetime sobriety. Why would I want to be with a daily drinker?

I am really confused and irritated right now. I am going to talk to my sponsor tomorrow. She will probably say "pray about it" and I will, but I want to know what you guys think based on the information I have given and if any of you have any experience in this area.
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Old 02-13-2012, 08:11 PM
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Sounds like you could use some alanon. Many of us addicts were functional like your husband. I know that I used other past wrong against them as an excuse to use, and people will do that to me now that I'm sober. Go to alanon. That's advice I've been given over and over when I speak about these things. Just because you're an addict doesn't mean you don't live with one.
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Old 02-13-2012, 08:12 PM
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Really? Even though I am an alcoholic?
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Old 02-13-2012, 08:23 PM
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The first person that I met in alanon, who also happened to be the meeting proctor, was a recovering addict. Most addicts live with addicts, were raised by addicts, or have friends or spouses that are addicts. When we're sick we attract sick.
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Old 02-13-2012, 08:30 PM
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Hi Elizabeth

I have no experience with this kind of situation but I know several people here will - I know you'll find support and advice

D
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Old 02-13-2012, 09:13 PM
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Originally Posted by jrsmama11 View Post
When we're sick we attract sick.
Amen, couldn't have said that better. I did marry a non-addict/alcoholic....that was the best decision I have ever made.....that being said, after I got sober I realized just how sick some of my friends really were. I mean SICK.

water seeks it's own level. I would definitely try out some alanon meetings elizabeth! hang in there, we are there for you and also the friends and family forum can help!

(((HUGS)))

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Old 02-13-2012, 09:28 PM
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Yes, really! You have every reason to be in Al-anon given what you described. If you took away your own problems with alcohol, you are still left with a guy with issues of his own. Step over to the friends and family forum and see what people have to say.

And I hope you will take back your right to a fair discussion. You may not be perfect, but your past mistakes don't mean that you don't have a right to a balanced relationship. Silencing yourself in the face of unfairness isn't the answer. The survival of your marriage depends upon you finding your voice.
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Old 02-13-2012, 11:12 PM
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There is this awful belief that when two people have been married for a substantial period of time they can safely make correct assumptions about each other's feelings and expectations. Anger, hurt, and resentment are often the bi-products when we are wrong. The best way to follow that up? Revenge.

After 11 1/2 years of marriage and a full year of sobriety my wife and I are only now beginning to learn to communicate with each other. It's awkward - like a first kiss. We're not very good at it but we are trying. We are starting to learn things about each other most people find out when they're dating. For us, it's going very slow but the rewards are real. For better or worse we can't hide from each other anymore. I have to work very hard to listen to her and try to understand what she really means and she is trying to learn to not take it personally when I don't understand right away. Often my pride gets hurt and that is very hard to swallow.

If you hurt your husband the way you said you did then there probably are desires of revenge and payback. I know my wife sure did. There are some good books on marital communication that can set boundaries and ground rules to help you get started. The ultimate goal is to become equal partners that love and respect each other.

Best of luck to you two. Marriages can and do survive this.
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Old 02-13-2012, 11:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Elisabeth888 View Post
If I use the wrong tone, say something that irritates him, he starts going off and cussing about how much I have put him through and how ****** his life is. He changes how many years he has been in hell- it ranges from 2-5 years. We can't have a normal disagreement because I don't really have the right to disagree
Hi Elisabeth

I can only give you my experience on this.

My wife also refers to a life of hell and varies the timeframe from 2 to 5 years. Nor do I have a right to disagree with anything she says anymore. It is a really tough situation because she seems to have taken the moral high ground and nothing I seem to do makes any difference.

I think the problem arises from the fact that we alcoholics see alcohol as the main root cause of the problem and we have to climb mountains to get it under control. So, once we are sober, we think we have done everything we possibly could have to amend the situation. Our spouses, on the other hand, do not see alcohol as the primary problem. Rather it is what alcohol has done to our behaviour, our reliability, our trust etc which was the really damaging area for them.

We think because alcohol has gone, then the problem is solved. But they need to go through recovery too. Building that trust again is a long process and may never happen. But I think sometimes we should show a little humility if that might help their recovery too?
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Old 02-13-2012, 11:46 PM
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Originally Posted by bounced View Post
But I think sometimes we should show a little humility if that might help their recovery too?
That one deserves more space in my own tool box.
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Old 02-14-2012, 12:18 AM
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..dp
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Old 02-14-2012, 04:09 AM
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Originally Posted by bounced View Post

We think because alcohol has gone, then the problem is solved.
Do you think that?

For me, alcohol was the SOLUTION to the problem.
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Mark75 View Post
For me, alcohol was the SOLUTION to the problem.
Clearly wasn't though, was it?
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:17 AM
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I know that there is a lot of guilt and shame involved when we stop drinking because of the things we did. I worked hard to be patient and to understand that my family would take some time to see positive changes in me. I am not an AA person, but I did make amends in a way that worked for me, when the time felt right.

It sounds like marriage counselling would help the two of you as a couple. I agree AlAnon could help too. It may come to a point where you realize the idea of living with a drinker is not what you want. Best wishes as you work through this.
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:18 AM
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Ugh, quitting alcohol is so not the solution to the problem. For me, it was just a nice haze I could put on, something to cover up all the real problems. Sure, quitting boozing helped me gain clarity and forces me to be honest with myself, but solution, well, I wouldn't call it that exactly.
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Old 02-14-2012, 09:10 AM
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I realize that quitting alcohol is not the answer to all my problems. I am trying to change and working a program in order to do this.

My solution so far has been to stay quiet and agree with everything he says. I am not going to do this for the duration of my marriage. He has a part in this too.

I am just so mad right now. I went to a meeting and that helped. Posting here is helping.
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