(((doah))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what you brought you here.
First of all, I am a recovering addict (RA) and a recovering codie (codependent) who has loved ones of addicts/alcoholics (A's).
SR has been my lifeline. I lurked here over a year, still thinking I had "beat" my addiction, only to relapse. I had no idea how much of my problem was my codependency.
I fumbled my way through this site, found the "stickies" (the permanent posts at the top of each forum" and I read...like a crazed woman in search of an answer to how to fix everything.
What I learned was the only person I could "fix" or change was me. I loved my last bf, who was still addicted to crack (we shared that addiction) but in time, I realized that even if he had years of recovery, I would never trust him..I'd be worried about a relapse, worried that I'd come home one day and everything would be gone....I would always be waiting for "the other shoe to drop".
In my time here, I've learned that I can have a life, and a pretty decent one since I'm still dealing with consequences of MY addiction. I can accept the A's I love for who they are. Some have chosen recovery, others are still using.
Though it feels so totally personal, it really isn't. What others do is their thing..I can't fix anyone else. I can only do what is best for me, and let them walk their own path.
Heartbreak? Been there. My last bf eventually died from the addiction we shared. My stepmom is currently running around like the energizer bunny and I KNOW it's because she's taken a few extra pain pills.
It took me quite a while to get to where I am today...I lurked her for over a year, relapsed and didn't sign on until I had 6 months in recovery.
We are here for you. We will share our experience, strength and hope (ES&H); we will ask you hard questions. It comes from most of us having been-there-done-that. You may get angry, you may feel "jumped on" - I went through all those feelings, yet I kept coming back.
Addiction is never cured. At best, I have a daily reprieve and when I wake up each morning, I choose recovery. I had to hit a pretty low bottom to get there, a big part was my loved ones detached from me..let me deal with my consequences.
I do the same with the A's, though sometimes I slip back into codie-land. Difference is, I recognize it faster and I usually come back here to get re-grounded. For me, SR is enough as I have some pretty awesome NON-codie friends/family for support. Al-anon and nar-anon would be my next step if that stops working.
I hope you keep reading and posting. My first few stints in jail didn't phase me. It took a lot of consequences building up before I was willing to choose recovery. My ex bf died from "our" addiction. My stepmom was arrested, at the age of 62, and does admit to being an addict, but has no intention to change and I have accepted that. I still love her, but I detach from her A behaviors.
On the other hand, I'm coming up on 5 yeas of recovery, my stepsister is in recovery, and I have some awesome friends who work recovery for addiction and codependency. I credit most of that to the awesome people here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy