My husband has relapsed and I am lost

Old 02-13-2012, 04:02 PM
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Unhappy My husband has relapsed and I am lost

I am new here and am hoping this can help. I have only been through 1 replase with my husband and it was really hard on me. He ended up going to jail for 3 weeks, then to a sober living for 90 days and it was really hard on our relationship. Now 7 months later, he relapsed again. I think this time I realized it once it already happened but he has denied it the last 3 days until this morning finally told me, but I am pretty sure he is only telling me the least of it. This time since he is on probation this was his last chance and will be going to jail for I am not sure how long. I know that I do not want to end our marriage at this point and am trying to get things in place so that I have somewhere to go once I can't pay the rent by myself (most likely my in laws since my family does not know or understand addiction), but my question is, how the heck to I get through it. How am I supposed to be okay with my husband being in jail and us being apart. How do I get through 6-12months of not having my husband greet me when I get home at night and have him missing from my bed every night and not seeing him everyday???? I am not sure I am strong enough to get through it and if I do, will I be waiting around for the next relapse to happen??? how long does a spouse put up with it???
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Old 02-13-2012, 04:11 PM
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I say, let him go to jail and learn his lesson, you never know, this might be his bottom, so he will wake up and realize what he is doing. At the same time, if he is in jail, he is not going to be able to use, so he will be clean for that period of time. And he will be safe, because he will not be able to hurt himself or anyone else while he is there. I think jail is a good place for him to be while he figures himself out.

As for you, it will be hard for you to accept that he is there, but at least you know he will be safe. You can be there to talk to him when he needs someone, visit him when he needs it, etc. However, maybe this may not be his bottom, and when he gets out again, he may start the whole process over. You have to think about helping yourself as well as helping him, and while he is in jail is a perfect time to do it, so you will be able to have the coping skills you need just in case you need them.
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Old 02-13-2012, 04:13 PM
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NAR anon will help you...or AL ANON....please find a meeting and all your questions will be revealed....

you did not cause this
you can not control this
and there is no cure...

Have you ever read Melody Beatties CO DEPENDANT NO MORE....its an awesome read...please read all the stickies, maybe someone thing will give you the aah ha moment ...

we here are here to tell you our story and how we did whats healthy for my signature says...I am not perfect but i am healthy and live my life as i see fit!..and that is with or without a man in my life...

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Old 02-13-2012, 04:14 PM
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Welcome, Doah.

Many people here will offer you support.

As I read your words, I thought of war-wives who had to be separated from their husbands for one, two, three, even four years as the men went off to fight a war.

The women supported each other while their husbands were away, and they accepted God's will for their lives and circumstances, they prayed for the survival of their husbands, and they grew stronger souls as a result of all they had sacrificed.

Your time apart can have hidden blessings for you both. I hope so very much.
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Old 02-13-2012, 05:00 PM
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Just need to add that the support you can receive as the wife would be Al-Anon or any 12 step group of people in recovery for the effects of addicts in their lives.

I have been attending Nar-Anon recently, after 15 years in Al-Anon, and that someone is in prison no longer shocks me, as there are many members in my Nar-Anon group whose sons, daughters, spouses are in prison or just being released. Drugs are illegal. It is an addiction that sends people to prison. In 15 years of Al-Anon I never heard the word "prison", but in Nar-Anon it is very common.

Going to prison is not a sacrifice for him, I want to be sure my post is clearer about that. It is a consequence.

Separation from him is the sacrifice for you. But such experiences can truly help us grow spiritually and that can be the hidden blessing.

He has his own battles to fight. You will be all right during the separation and can even bloom if you pursue your own spiritual growth.
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Old 02-13-2012, 08:00 PM
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Jail can change people for the better or in, some cases, make them worse. He can continue to use drugs in jail if he really wants to. They are much more expensive than on the street but it happens. Hopefully, his jail will have some sort of rehab available to him in there. He will have a lot of time to think & so will you. My addict cousin has been in and out of prison close to 20 years & he seems more comfortable inside there then he does in the real world.
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Old 02-13-2012, 08:43 PM
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(((doah))) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what you brought you here.

First of all, I am a recovering addict (RA) and a recovering codie (codependent) who has loved ones of addicts/alcoholics (A's).

SR has been my lifeline. I lurked here over a year, still thinking I had "beat" my addiction, only to relapse. I had no idea how much of my problem was my codependency.

I fumbled my way through this site, found the "stickies" (the permanent posts at the top of each forum" and I a crazed woman in search of an answer to how to fix everything.

What I learned was the only person I could "fix" or change was me. I loved my last bf, who was still addicted to crack (we shared that addiction) but in time, I realized that even if he had years of recovery, I would never trust him..I'd be worried about a relapse, worried that I'd come home one day and everything would be gone....I would always be waiting for "the other shoe to drop".

In my time here, I've learned that I can have a life, and a pretty decent one since I'm still dealing with consequences of MY addiction. I can accept the A's I love for who they are. Some have chosen recovery, others are still using.

Though it feels so totally personal, it really isn't. What others do is their thing..I can't fix anyone else. I can only do what is best for me, and let them walk their own path.

Heartbreak? Been there. My last bf eventually died from the addiction we shared. My stepmom is currently running around like the energizer bunny and I KNOW it's because she's taken a few extra pain pills.

It took me quite a while to get to where I am today...I lurked her for over a year, relapsed and didn't sign on until I had 6 months in recovery.

We are here for you. We will share our experience, strength and hope (ES&H); we will ask you hard questions. It comes from most of us having been-there-done-that. You may get angry, you may feel "jumped on" - I went through all those feelings, yet I kept coming back.

Addiction is never cured. At best, I have a daily reprieve and when I wake up each morning, I choose recovery. I had to hit a pretty low bottom to get there, a big part was my loved ones detached from me..let me deal with my consequences.

I do the same with the A's, though sometimes I slip back into codie-land. Difference is, I recognize it faster and I usually come back here to get re-grounded. For me, SR is enough as I have some pretty awesome NON-codie friends/family for support. Al-anon and nar-anon would be my next step if that stops working.

I hope you keep reading and posting. My first few stints in jail didn't phase me. It took a lot of consequences building up before I was willing to choose recovery. My ex bf died from "our" addiction. My stepmom was arrested, at the age of 62, and does admit to being an addict, but has no intention to change and I have accepted that. I still love her, but I detach from her A behaviors.

On the other hand, I'm coming up on 5 yeas of recovery, my stepsister is in recovery, and I have some awesome friends who work recovery for addiction and codependency. I credit most of that to the awesome people here.

Hugs and prayers,

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Old 02-14-2012, 08:22 AM
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Originally Posted by doah777 View Post

how long does a spouse put up with it???
As long as they care to do so.

Many eventually come to the conclusion that there is rarely a prize waiting for them at the end of the rainbow.

In the meantime , can you give serious consideration to using this time to go back to school and learn new skills so that you are in a better position to financially sustain yourself, come what may?
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:55 AM
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hate so much that you are dealing with active addiction ~ that involves so much pain!

but as others have suggested - there is much you can do to help YOU!

These are the things that have helped me ~ posting here, attending al-anon meetings, reading recovery literature, finding and communicating with my Higher Power, learning what I can about the disease of alcoholism & addiction.

Don't give up before the miracles happen in YOU
YOU deserve them!

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