The self loathing & self hatred will stop when you quit drinking. But you have to break the cycle. Stop looking back & regretting. Look forward to the new person you want to be & CAN be. Become that person. Your children love you, no matter what. You're not a failure in their eyes....yet. Stop now before it's too late.
Do whatever it takes to get sober.
Alcohol is not helping you in anyway, no matter what your mind tells you.
You don't have to be perfect. Just you, sober.
Best wishes.