fallingtogether

I just can't do it anymore. I have to stop drinking. I have to get sober. I'm depressed and embarrassed and ashamed. I have to look like the worlds biggest idiot. Seriously..... I just don't want to do this anymore. I hate myself. I have tried fooling myself for much too long. I just don't know how to leave the past in the past. Ughhhh, please help me!!

LaFemme

Hi!

I could have easily written your post two years ago. It can be done, you can learn to love yourself again. You can turn it around. I know. I have been there.

What have you tried so far to get sober?

fallingtogether

I have given half hearted attempts at aa. I don't know how to love me when I can't even stand to be me. I seriously hate myself. I don't know how to forgive myself, I don't know how to not be hard on myself. I am my own worst enemy. I just hate feeling so embarrassed about my drunk actions. I don't know how to stop dwelling on it. I do something stupid, then I get upset about it, then I drink again to numb the feelings of embarrassment and regret. It's such a vicious cycle. Ughhhh.....

fallingtogether

Oh and how do I deal with my kids? How do we talk about it? They are 9 and 5.... They don't deserve a drunk mommy. I am so sick to my stomach right now, and I can't even cry.... I have been up since 1230, dealing with all of these emotions... Watching them sleep, snuggling them. All the while thinking, are you out of your mind? I must be out of my gourd..... I need to redeem myself, and I just don't know how!!!!!!!!!!!

Dee74

I had all those problems too Chardonnay - I didn't know where to begin - I had so much self loathing and such a long history of despising myself.

The first step for me was to remove alcohol from my life - even when I wasn't drunk, I realise now just how much alcohol coloured and warped my perceptions.

Whatever support you need to get sober and stay that way Chardonnay - chase it up.

I think you'll find a real difference in your perceptions, both about yourself and the world at large, after a little time sober and a little time working on yourself

I'm not a parent, so I have no experience - but I think personally I'd leave explaining things to your kids for now - just focus on getting sober - thats more than enough for now.

You'll be far better equipped to decide what to tell your kids, and when, in a few months, I think

D

fallingtogether

Thanks dee, I sure hope u are right.... My perception right now is that I'm just a loser! Bottom line, I take things too far all the time. I think I'm carefree, but that's only cuz the booze makes me tht way. I am just so frustrated!

Purplecatlover

The self loathing & self hatred will stop when you quit drinking. But you have to break the cycle. Stop looking back & regretting. Look forward to the new person you want to be & CAN be. Become that person. Your children love you, no matter what. You're not a failure in their eyes....yet. Stop now before it's too late.
Do whatever it takes to get sober.
Alcohol is not helping you in anyway, no matter what your mind tells you.
You don't have to be perfect. Just you, sober.
Best wishes.

happyhappysober

I agree with the everyone. I could have written this too because I went through the same emotions. Unfortunately those emotions of self loathing & guilt can lead you right back to drinking to make them go away again and the cycle continues. I have kids also & when I was in the years of drinking they were about your kids age. That part is hard. BUT the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to do what steps you have to do to put down the drink and walk away and never ever touch it again. I was beaten up by life and so low until I finally pushed the drink away. It can be done. They will be so proud of you, my boys are! More importantly you will be so proud of you...I am. It is so possible to smile again, be happy and like yourself. Give it a shot! You are worth it.

MsJax

Hi Chardonnay. That is exactly how I felt when I quit drinking. Such a dark time, to this day I am so stunned & thankful to have gotten through it. You don't have to ever do this again. Make a plan. Walk away from the past, you can truly make a new start right now. You really can do it, I know where you're at. Please read & post lots. Best wishes to you

JohnnyDetox

Perhaps a visit to your family doctor might help. Rember, it's always darkest before the dawn.

phoebe64

You will feel better when you are in control of you, and the alcohol is in the past. I did slip, but have had several months sober and a life change in 2010. My health was very at risk, fat, bloated, drinking and eating out fo control(especially when I drank). I was a binger of food wine and food together. More than "just a drunk."

So, it might be different for me, but as I just worked hard to eat right, get my health under control, and mixed spritzers with juice and all of that, I spoke of getting healthy. Not of the drink, not of fat or food(did not want to give my dd eating dosorders), but of working to get healthy.

And my daughter, 12, is very proud of that, and talks about that. It has made her very aware of health. But I was sort of a happy drunk. Just mostly drinking every night and the kids did not see alot of dysfunction with it other than a really sluggish and apathetic mother at times. Alot of the time.

So, with the kids, I say leave it, and if you can get sober and focus on feeling good about yourself, they will just see a happier mom. They will love that. Maybe, when you have sobriety and time, you can talk to them and tell them about how risky alcohol can be.

Right now, with my 12 yo, we are discussing that, along with drugs. Whitney Houston's death gave us a jumping point for a big doscussion about the dangers of trying drugs and alcohol, especially when too young to really make sound decisions like that.

Just my story, but maybe work on you and worry about what to tell the kids later.

Speaking as the child of an angry and embarrassing alcoholic mother, to this day all I ever wanted was an apology, acknowledging the hurt and really wanting to be forgiven. I *know* she didn't want to be that way. Oh, and I mostly always wanted her to simply stop drinking.

Just get better, and your kids will be fine. There is so much time ahead, and they are still young and in ages of magical thinking. Good behavior will dominate tough times and when they get older, you can talk it out.

Welcome and good luck. I am only on day 7 this time. I had slipped and was drinking wine in the evenings again.

rochele

2granddaughters

A full hearted approach will do the trick......
Go to the meetings to hear what the oldtimers did to stay sober.
Keep going until what they said makes perfect sense.

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

SSIL75

I have felt that way. So many times when I was drinking.

then the hangover would wear off and that panicky feeling would subside and I'd go back to the beginning again. This time it would be different. This time I 'got it' and had some trick that would let me keep drinking.

Over and over and over.

What are you doing as far as help? I used here and AVRT.

SSIL75

Oh the insomnia! Dry mouth, sick stomach, panic and frantic promises. Cuddling my babies, too. Man this post brings me back.

sugarbear1

Chardonnay740, one thing at a time. Breathe, slowly. Stop drinking, find support, maybe get back to AA, get a temporary sponsor and work the steps. Your kids will see a change in you, don't explain anything, yet. There's time for you to stay stopped, then the talks can happen-later.

You can stay stopped! Just don't try to change the world today.

Peace, Love, and Hugs,

soberjim

Hi Chardonnay...You are not a loser! Alcohol has that ability to make us feel bad about ourselves. Really does a number on our self esteem. Clearly you want to be a better parent to your children. That means alot and you should take comfort in that. Be kind to yourself and move forward. The past is the past, and your children are young. Lots of time to grow with them (sober).

All the best

Jim

Finmywayback

I used to hate that panicky feeling. I would wake up after drinking and have this sense of pending doom all around me. Now, with a short time sober I don't feel that way anymore. I just have to deal with reality, which is actually easier with realistic emotions. Alcohol really does screw with ones mind. I am not sure when that feeling went away but I have been sober less then 3 weeks, so you may be able to rid yourself from some of the self-loathing feelings you have in a short period of time. I believe the things you are experiencing are normal when one is actively drinking.
Keep posting, sharing, and listening. You can find peace in your life, and in a short period of time things will make more since to you.

vanpol

Hey there! I am a mom of 2 boys as well.
There is something you can do to become a better mom to your kids - something they need you to do - stop drinking.

fallingtogether

Hey all, thanks for the great posts. I still haven't slept since 1230 last night. I am looking forward to making dinner and couchin it all night! Am feeling somewhat better as the day progressed though. All I said to my ds is I'm sorry, but adults make mistakes sometimes too and I just need to know that you love me. He said I do momma! That's about all i needed. I still have a yucky feeling, but it will quickly pass. I know that in 2 days I will feel better and better as more time passes. I wrote a letter to myself, and plan to read it ever time I think I want or need a drink. It's just simply not worth it! Thanks again everyone!!!!!

Sapling

You sound better Chardonnay...Just take it easy and try to get some sleep tonight. Read the letter if you have to just don't pick up the first drink....If you stay away from that one...You'll be OK...Just deal with today and don't pick up.