Gracey, let me tell you something about my past. Okay?
There were many many nights when I didn't know where my AH was. I was young and had 3 little kid's at home and I stayed home and took care of them. AH would roll into the door whenever he couldn't drink anymore and there I was. Waiting for him. He'd be in his world of the "unknown" and I would be agitated. Having gone through all the emotions of sadness, disappointment, worry that something happened to him, to anger when I'd realize that I had worried for nothing, yet again!!! I remember feeling so helpless, so alone, and just so very empty of anyone really loving me or caring about me.
There were times over the years that I'd get frustrated and kick AH out. But he would only be gone a night or maybe a weekend and I'd take him back again. But even for the one or two nights that he'd be gone back then, I'd always feel bitter. Bitter that he was probably out having fun, getting drunk, hanging out with his friends while I sat home with my kid's doing the right thing, being the responsible one, and still worried about him.
And when it came to sex.....oh yes, I felt used many times. I told him this before and he'd say that he wasn't using me. He couldn't use me - we were married!!!! Ugh, that used to make me soooo mad when he'd say that!!!!!
The point that I'm getting to Gracey is that I have felt just like you do now.
And I can only hope that you will not let the bitterness eat you alive!!!!! You deserve so much better than that!!!!!!