Yuck
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Yuck
I cooked, I cleaned, I took care of kids all day today..........My H took off for the second time today and he was gone till 7:00 this time, and when he came home the neighbor was waiting for him to come over to have a bond fire...........he asked me if I was going to be mad...........I said nope go and have fun.........so as I sit here, typing exhausted from my day of working all day..........cutting the lawn, doing every bit of laundry and making my home spotless...........I wonder why.........
My two older kids are spending the night with friends and my youngest is sound asleep............I feel good about everything I accomplished today and my house is clean for the moment.........so this is my get away.........I was going to take my oldest daughter shopping today, but I wasnt able to do that...I didnt want to take my two other children shopping for a homecoming dress........that would have been to much for me............
So I should be thankful that I got through today.......no major arguements....I realize that it is my fault that I didnt take time out today to have fun...............and I have alot of resentment building inside of me because of it........but it is only my fault..........I could have taken the kids out.........but I chose to clean, clean, clean.........I think I was cleaning all day to prove some kind of point........he does nothing and is one selfish person and he only thinks of himself........and I dont even think he realizes it.......he has no idea how bad I am feeling........as long as he is having fun and I am leaving him alone....I am going to say a prayer tonight.......I want God to take all the bitterness out of my heart........and truly be thankful that I am healthy enough to do all the things that I did.........I am going to go to church tomorrow even though I dont want to..............I know that I need to .......I am hoping that one day.........I will be at peace with myself.........
My two older kids are spending the night with friends and my youngest is sound asleep............I feel good about everything I accomplished today and my house is clean for the moment.........so this is my get away.........I was going to take my oldest daughter shopping today, but I wasnt able to do that...I didnt want to take my two other children shopping for a homecoming dress........that would have been to much for me............
So I should be thankful that I got through today.......no major arguements....I realize that it is my fault that I didnt take time out today to have fun...............and I have alot of resentment building inside of me because of it........but it is only my fault..........I could have taken the kids out.........but I chose to clean, clean, clean.........I think I was cleaning all day to prove some kind of point........he does nothing and is one selfish person and he only thinks of himself........and I dont even think he realizes it.......he has no idea how bad I am feeling........as long as he is having fun and I am leaving him alone....I am going to say a prayer tonight.......I want God to take all the bitterness out of my heart........and truly be thankful that I am healthy enough to do all the things that I did.........I am going to go to church tomorrow even though I dont want to..............I know that I need to .......I am hoping that one day.........I will be at peace with myself.........
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Nope, you are one terrific person with a miserable problem.
And you are one terrific person heading in the right direction. I'm saying a prayer for you too, Gracey, that you will find that peace soon, and I promise you that you will.
Hugs
Ann
I am going to say a prayer tonight.......I want God to take all the bitterness out of my heart........and truly be thankful that I am healthy enough to do all the things that I did.........I am going to go to church tomorrow even though I dont want to..............I know that I need to .......I am hoping that one day.........I will be at peace with myself.........
Hugs
Ann
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Do you feel like everyone else is having all the fun all the time and you give and give and give and no one takes a look at what you may need or want ever.............
my H probably wont be home till midnight or later.............fine..........I want to make sure I am in bed sleeping when he gets home and if not I will pretend that I am.......no matter what he always asks me to do you know what........and thought of him touching me makes me sick.............has any one else ever felt......like you that ......just use me for more pleasure.............for himself.............yuck...........I just feel like I cant give anymore...........I know no matter what I do I cant make everyone happy..............I feel lonley...............most of the time.........and I am trying to find things that feel these voids............I want to feel loved and appreciated........and needed.........I dont want to feel use abused.......and taken advantage of all the time........Am I really doing all this to myself................this just sucks.
my H probably wont be home till midnight or later.............fine..........I want to make sure I am in bed sleeping when he gets home and if not I will pretend that I am.......no matter what he always asks me to do you know what........and thought of him touching me makes me sick.............has any one else ever felt......like you that ......just use me for more pleasure.............for himself.............yuck...........I just feel like I cant give anymore...........I know no matter what I do I cant make everyone happy..............I feel lonley...............most of the time.........and I am trying to find things that feel these voids............I want to feel loved and appreciated........and needed.........I dont want to feel use abused.......and taken advantage of all the time........Am I really doing all this to myself................this just sucks.
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I see him out my kitchen window when I went upstairs to light a smoke.........he is laughing and having fun............I dont know how to have fun anymore...........My fun is shopping most of the time..........but I think that was or is another temporary fix.......and now I dont have the money to get my fix anymore..........two car payments and three kids later......we are always broke............I like going to alanon meetings...........I only go once a week.........I feel comfortable there......I just dont know how to be myself and open up to other people...........I have always in the past just talk about my problems to most of my old friends...........I am good at that.........I dont know how to start a friendship with anyone.........I have a hard time to get to know people..........the only thing that I have been able to talk about were my kids and how proud of them I am and then the rest is just negative.........about my H and how unfair things are.........I can understand why no one likes me.........I am just no fun to be around...............
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
I know exactly how you feel. Before I left my ex-husband I felt the same way. The thought of him touching him made my skin crawl. I had all the responsibility although he thought differently . He made me make all the decisions which were paying all the bills which there was not enough income to pay them with and cuss me out when some of them did not get paid. He sat on his lazy but and did nothing around the house and cussed at me when something was out of order. Cussed me out in front of my kids and in public all that. Gee wonder why I did not want him to touch me maybe because the sight of him discusted me. Anyway hang in there you are not alone.
Rose
Rose
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I am so glad i can vent here...........it helps me and spares other people........I dont even know how to make friends anymore.......I am so wrapped up in everything else......have any one else ever felt.............you just need someone to listen to you.........someone to talk to without getting disgusted or upset.........I want to learn fun.........
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Gracey, let me tell you something about my past. Okay?
There were many many nights when I didn't know where my AH was. I was young and had 3 little kid's at home and I stayed home and took care of them. AH would roll into the door whenever he couldn't drink anymore and there I was. Waiting for him. He'd be in his world of the "unknown" and I would be agitated. Having gone through all the emotions of sadness, disappointment, worry that something happened to him, to anger when I'd realize that I had worried for nothing, yet again!!! I remember feeling so helpless, so alone, and just so very empty of anyone really loving me or caring about me.
There were times over the years that I'd get frustrated and kick AH out. But he would only be gone a night or maybe a weekend and I'd take him back again. But even for the one or two nights that he'd be gone back then, I'd always feel bitter. Bitter that he was probably out having fun, getting drunk, hanging out with his friends while I sat home with my kid's doing the right thing, being the responsible one, and still worried about him.
And when it came to sex.....oh yes, I felt used many times. I told him this before and he'd say that he wasn't using me. He couldn't use me - we were married!!!! Ugh, that used to make me soooo mad when he'd say that!!!!!
The point that I'm getting to Gracey is that I have felt just like you do now.
And I can only hope that you will not let the bitterness eat you alive!!!!! You deserve so much better than that!!!!!!
There were many many nights when I didn't know where my AH was. I was young and had 3 little kid's at home and I stayed home and took care of them. AH would roll into the door whenever he couldn't drink anymore and there I was. Waiting for him. He'd be in his world of the "unknown" and I would be agitated. Having gone through all the emotions of sadness, disappointment, worry that something happened to him, to anger when I'd realize that I had worried for nothing, yet again!!! I remember feeling so helpless, so alone, and just so very empty of anyone really loving me or caring about me.
There were times over the years that I'd get frustrated and kick AH out. But he would only be gone a night or maybe a weekend and I'd take him back again. But even for the one or two nights that he'd be gone back then, I'd always feel bitter. Bitter that he was probably out having fun, getting drunk, hanging out with his friends while I sat home with my kid's doing the right thing, being the responsible one, and still worried about him.
And when it came to sex.....oh yes, I felt used many times. I told him this before and he'd say that he wasn't using me. He couldn't use me - we were married!!!! Ugh, that used to make me soooo mad when he'd say that!!!!!
The point that I'm getting to Gracey is that I have felt just like you do now.
And I can only hope that you will not let the bitterness eat you alive!!!!! You deserve so much better than that!!!!!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Gracey, Melody Beattie wrote something that has always stuck with me. She said that when we expect something from someone who has nothing to give, we will be disappointed every time.
You hold the key to your happiness, Gracey, not him. You say you enjoy your weekly meeting, so maybe next meeting go for a coffee afterwards or aks someone to meet with you on a non-meeting night to go to a movie, or have a coffee and chat, or to do anything that might be fun. If you go to church today, look and see if they have something during the week that might interest you and go, and meet more people and have fun.
There is a thread on the powerposts at the top of this page that is called "How To have Fun When You Really Don't Feel Like It" and it is chuck full of suggestions if you are willing to just take that one step to change, to move forward and to just have some fun.
I promise you that if you do this, each time you will feel just a little bit better about yourself.
Hugs
Ann
You hold the key to your happiness, Gracey, not him. You say you enjoy your weekly meeting, so maybe next meeting go for a coffee afterwards or aks someone to meet with you on a non-meeting night to go to a movie, or have a coffee and chat, or to do anything that might be fun. If you go to church today, look and see if they have something during the week that might interest you and go, and meet more people and have fun.
There is a thread on the powerposts at the top of this page that is called "How To have Fun When You Really Don't Feel Like It" and it is chuck full of suggestions if you are willing to just take that one step to change, to move forward and to just have some fun.
I promise you that if you do this, each time you will feel just a little bit better about yourself.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
Gracey-
I see a lot of me in your post--
The responsible one(sorta)-the one staying with the kids while he feels free to do whatever he wants, as he knows I will be here..
Anyway, things here are different. I had lost my job. I have a part time job now, making way less money and working odd hours. However, he is being more responsible- giving more $ to the household, actually coming home on days that I have to work. Last week he actually said no to an outing , and stayed home with the kids!! Maybe he is realizing how his behavior has effected me. Also, my job is with a well known discount retailer, and I am on mny feet all the time. A bonus to that is that I have lost some weight and firmed up a little.. So things aren't completely horrible. I'm just rabling here...
Anyway, good luck to you.
I see a lot of me in your post--
The responsible one(sorta)-the one staying with the kids while he feels free to do whatever he wants, as he knows I will be here..
Anyway, things here are different. I had lost my job. I have a part time job now, making way less money and working odd hours. However, he is being more responsible- giving more $ to the household, actually coming home on days that I have to work. Last week he actually said no to an outing , and stayed home with the kids!! Maybe he is realizing how his behavior has effected me. Also, my job is with a well known discount retailer, and I am on mny feet all the time. A bonus to that is that I have lost some weight and firmed up a little.. So things aren't completely horrible. I'm just rabling here...
Anyway, good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Gracey -
Until you can stop feeling so used and angry you don't have a shot at happiness. You choosing to clean your house and do laundry could have been a positive thing. Instead you made it a negative. Martyrs are never happy. From what you said, you did it to prove that he has all the fun and you do all the work. All that did was make you even angrier and unhappy. Unless you like feeling like this, it is time to find another way. It is so important to do things for ourselves. Pick a few things that you really enjoy doing and then do them. It may seem strange at first but it really does help. Alanon teaches the same thing that AA does - one day at a time. If you look at your life right now as all there is for the rest of your life then it becomes so overwhelming that it is hard to put one foot in front of the other. You only have to be married for today - tomorrow is another day with another choice available. You need to learn to like yourself. It is hard to like anything or anyone else if you don't like who you are. There are no miracles in this situation. It takes hard work and a willingness to make changes. Pick just one thing that you can change. Start small so that you can see success. You can then build on that success. One step at a time, one small change at a time. Set goals for yourself. What do you want to have accomplished in one month, three months, six months, etc. Make your personal goals reasonable, things that you can actually accomplish. Running around in the same circle always takes you back to the same place. You cannot change your husband but you can change yourself and your outlook on life. You may find that changes in you affect your husband behavior but that should be a side affect, not your main goal. You may find that as you change your life with your husband improves or you may find that you no longer want a life with your husband. Regardless of the outcome, you will be better prepared to face whatever life holds in store for you.
I'll say a prayer for you, Gracie and hope that you can find your way through this situation.
Hugs, Jo
Until you can stop feeling so used and angry you don't have a shot at happiness. You choosing to clean your house and do laundry could have been a positive thing. Instead you made it a negative. Martyrs are never happy. From what you said, you did it to prove that he has all the fun and you do all the work. All that did was make you even angrier and unhappy. Unless you like feeling like this, it is time to find another way. It is so important to do things for ourselves. Pick a few things that you really enjoy doing and then do them. It may seem strange at first but it really does help. Alanon teaches the same thing that AA does - one day at a time. If you look at your life right now as all there is for the rest of your life then it becomes so overwhelming that it is hard to put one foot in front of the other. You only have to be married for today - tomorrow is another day with another choice available. You need to learn to like yourself. It is hard to like anything or anyone else if you don't like who you are. There are no miracles in this situation. It takes hard work and a willingness to make changes. Pick just one thing that you can change. Start small so that you can see success. You can then build on that success. One step at a time, one small change at a time. Set goals for yourself. What do you want to have accomplished in one month, three months, six months, etc. Make your personal goals reasonable, things that you can actually accomplish. Running around in the same circle always takes you back to the same place. You cannot change your husband but you can change yourself and your outlook on life. You may find that changes in you affect your husband behavior but that should be a side affect, not your main goal. You may find that as you change your life with your husband improves or you may find that you no longer want a life with your husband. Regardless of the outcome, you will be better prepared to face whatever life holds in store for you.
I'll say a prayer for you, Gracie and hope that you can find your way through this situation.
Hugs, Jo
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