When he needs me, it ok but as soon as I show that I need him, he backs off. On the other side of the coin, he is very interested in whether or not I have any potential men in my life???? What is with this guy?
I think this is common behavior with them. My AH did the exact same thing, and still does. We separated last summer and he did it, calling and missing me one minute and cold and indifferent the next. I finally started dating and he couldn't stand that and called promising the world and I fell for it and took him back. Said he was getting counseling for his mental health issues and was staying sober. I dreamed he had hit 'bottom'. Lasted a few months then slipped back and I separated for good this May and filed my divorce.
Again this separation he'd call me needing me because he misses me and still thinks of me, saying heloves only me and calls his new girlfriend my name. Pushes at my buttons, but this time I don't fall for it. Sometimes a flood of emotion, yes, but about the fantasy I had about how it could be. I now know with him it would never be a reality. Besides, on the next call he may be mean or indifferent, especially if I am calling him about money he owes or legal stuff.
But he always, and I mean ALWAYS, asked and still asks me about my seeing a guy. Am I sleeping with him? Stuff like that. Almost obsessive about it.
When I first posted about this behavior last summer one of the forum leaders here responded telling me it was all about control for him. He always believed the door was still open if he said things that pushed my buttons and got the responses he wanted, and if there was no other guy. When I did start dating someone and he saw he was losing control he made the rash promises to get back home.
The only thing that has broken that cycle has been my change in response. I now am no more angry than sad when he says stuff to me. I am detached and sympathetic. Basically a "Gee, that is so sad, I want you to be happy and I wish you well. I just don't want to be with you anymore and have moved on. You need to do that too." Calm calm calm.. "I just want you to find happiness. I know I can't give it to you because I would never stop fighting you about the drinking. I believe you are an alcoholic and I always will. I wish you well."
He quickly realized it was easier to manipulate a new girl, to blame all his problem on his 'wife who threw him out' and move on in that direction.