One step forward...two steps back!

Old 09-17-2004, 06:39 PM
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One step forward...two steps back!

I'm so angry with myself right now. My ex A/B left 3 months ago. Since then, I've been trying to detach - went on a vacation, got on with my life, etc. I decided that I wanted nothing more to do with him and he left me a voice mail which I ignored. He caught me off guard and called early one morning (three weeks ago) and asked me to meet him for coffee (my first mistake). He proceeded to tell me that thinks he needs psychological help to find out why he left such a good relationship and is afraid of commitment (not once did he mention his alcohol dependence). He said he is sorry for what he put me through and doesn't expect me to wait around for him to find out what he wants to do but that he would like to be able to share with me what he discovers in counselling. I said I didn't know if I wanted to hear about it and he started to cry. :banghead: I was extremely strong during this meeting and felt that I could perhaps handle a friendship with him. I even asked if I could attend a family wedding that I was invited to prior to our split. He didn't seem overly keen but said he would check it out.

This week, I got really sick with a terrible cold, a touch of pneumonia and have been away from work for a week. You know what happens when you sit around thinking and feeling sick...I decided I was too sick to attend the wedding and called him tonight to tell him that. He was not at all sympathetic to how I was feeling and basically said "OK, take care, see ya". :*******: I was furious. He still has some household items here that I have asked him to pick up and he always has something else going on - usually riding his Harley comes first on the priority list. Just to put some perspective on this, just one week ago, he was drunk and crying the blues that he needed me last weekend to cry on my shoulder because he got S$%T from his boss and he cut his hand badly at home (then proceeded to go the bar for medical advice instead of the hospital for stitches). When he needs me, it ok but as soon as I show that I need him, he backs off. On the other side of the coin, he is very interested in whether or not I have any potential men in my life???? What is with this guy?

I'm ranting now but how is it that I was doing sooooo well, feeling so strong and knowing full well that our split was likely for the best and now I'm feeling all needy/hurt/missing him again? :06:
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Old 09-17-2004, 06:46 PM
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Oh Green Eyes, they know exactly when to push and when to pull, don't they!!! Surprise him. Respond differently and maybe you'll get a different reaction. Maybe not but you'll probably impress yourself! What a life!!!
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Old 09-17-2004, 08:14 PM
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OH, he's just crazy. He said so himself. He needs pyschological help.

He's given you plenty of evidence that all he has to give you is evidence that he has nothing to give you. At least for now. Take time for you and heal. If dealing with him is rubbing salt in old wounds, why deal with him?

Hugs,
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Old 09-18-2004, 08:58 AM
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((Green Eyes))
I know how you feel. Like a yoyo (am I close?) I had to learn that when I let something in my life go that is unhealthy (a relationship, a behavior) I have to replace it with something else. If I don't, I will fill that void with something, usually unhealthy. Getting a support group, like Al-Anon, helped me to fill the voids that were in my life. It was the healthy starting point that I needed to begin to find healing and wholeness.

You don't have to try to do this alone. I don't know about you, but I found it impossible to do it alone. Reaching out here is a good start. There is a lot of support and caring here. Personally, I needed A LOT more. There is no shame in needing help, but somehow we feel we should be able to do this alone. I know today that I am not supposed to do it alone. There is a reason that I was led to Al-Anon, and these forums. The healing that I have recieved is what I was longing for all my life. There was no one in my life to show me how. Al-Anon showed me how.

To find a meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting." Hugs, Magic
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Old 09-18-2004, 09:35 AM
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Thank you Giving, Smoke and Magic! I was supposed to attend my first meeting this past Monday and ended up sick. I also had to quit an intense exercise "boot camp" run by the military this week because I was sick - that was the one thing that was supposed to take my mind off of this situation and laying around sick was the worst thing for me. It gave me the time to think WAYYYY too much - unhealthy stuff. I don't want to be his door mat anymore and I won't let him. It's exhausting! I still need someone, once in a while, to whisper in my ear how toxic this relationship was!
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Old 09-18-2004, 10:09 AM
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When he needs me, it ok but as soon as I show that I need him, he backs off. On the other side of the coin, he is very interested in whether or not I have any potential men in my life???? What is with this guy?
I think this is common behavior with them. My AH did the exact same thing, and still does. We separated last summer and he did it, calling and missing me one minute and cold and indifferent the next. I finally started dating and he couldn't stand that and called promising the world and I fell for it and took him back. Said he was getting counseling for his mental health issues and was staying sober. I dreamed he had hit 'bottom'. Lasted a few months then slipped back and I separated for good this May and filed my divorce.

Again this separation he'd call me needing me because he misses me and still thinks of me, saying heloves only me and calls his new girlfriend my name. Pushes at my buttons, but this time I don't fall for it. Sometimes a flood of emotion, yes, but about the fantasy I had about how it could be. I now know with him it would never be a reality. Besides, on the next call he may be mean or indifferent, especially if I am calling him about money he owes or legal stuff.

But he always, and I mean ALWAYS, asked and still asks me about my seeing a guy. Am I sleeping with him? Stuff like that. Almost obsessive about it.

When I first posted about this behavior last summer one of the forum leaders here responded telling me it was all about control for him. He always believed the door was still open if he said things that pushed my buttons and got the responses he wanted, and if there was no other guy. When I did start dating someone and he saw he was losing control he made the rash promises to get back home.

The only thing that has broken that cycle has been my change in response. I now am no more angry than sad when he says stuff to me. I am detached and sympathetic. Basically a "Gee, that is so sad, I want you to be happy and I wish you well. I just don't want to be with you anymore and have moved on. You need to do that too." Calm calm calm.. "I just want you to find happiness. I know I can't give it to you because I would never stop fighting you about the drinking. I believe you are an alcoholic and I always will. I wish you well."

He quickly realized it was easier to manipulate a new girl, to blame all his problem on his 'wife who threw him out' and move on in that direction.
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Old 09-18-2004, 11:10 AM
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Originally Posted by jessieandme2003
he'd call me needing me because he misses me and still thinks of me, saying heloves only me and calls his new girlfriend my name. Pushes at my buttons, but this time I don't fall for it. Sometimes a flood of emotion, yes, but about the fantasy I had about how it could be. I now know with him it would never be a reality. Besides, on the next call he may be mean or indifferent, especially if I am calling him about money he owes or legal stuff.

But he always, and I mean ALWAYS, asked and still asks me about my seeing a guy. Am I sleeping with him? Stuff like that. Almost obsessive about it.
Wow! I couldn't believe when I read your reply, Jessie! These are the exact words I have heard! And it is about the fantasy I fall back into every once in a while. I think about the good times and somehow seem to put the bad to the back of my mind.

The control issue totally makes sense and that is why I was angry at myself...because I felt that I really had control over my emotions and the situation and I let him gain control back. I was a stark-raving lunatic on the phone lastnight with him and I felt horrible and weak after that rampage!

With me, he made the decision to leave which sometimes makes it all the more confusing for me in terms of his behaviour. He wanted this and he will still use his manipulation tactics and I will still respond to them. I need to break the cycle. I still care for him and that's why it's tough to be hard-nosed with him. How can I do that without feeling guilty? I know it's crazy! He's the one who walked away and I feel guilty??!!
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Old 09-18-2004, 11:24 AM
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With me, he made the decision to leave which sometimes makes it all the more confusing for me in terms of his behaviour.
Green Eyes, this was the same for me the FIRST time we separated. I was angry all the time about his drinking and not coming home and not doing anything around the house and just not seeming to care about anyone but himself. I became scuh a nag and simply no fun to come home to, so he decided to leave.

Oh my GOD it hurt.

Oh my GOD, I really really can't describe it. Gut wrenching. Mind numbing. I ached. I cried. I OBSESSED.

I really obsessed. I relived all kinds of moments of our realtionship iver and over, like I'd find a solution in there. Conversations, actions, I second-guessed them all. Keep seeking signs that in there somewhere he loved me and if I could figure it out I could fix it.

I call that time my zombie period. I really went through the motions of life.

But this board saved me, in my opinion. I talked on her eand readher and read Melody Beattie's Codependent No More book.

And I started to learn, and it started to sink in. I kind of started to see him as "an alcoholic" instead of as the guy in my fantasy. He was just so stereotypical, so much I read here was him.

I started taking the small steps recommended. I made lots of plans with friends so as not to be alone with my thoughts. If it hurt too much to be inn our house, I spent less time there. Even with my friends or coworkers I'd be like a zombie, still ind of slipping into obsessive thought about him while at dinner or a party. But I was there. And I was forced more and more to at least SEEM like I was participating.

Little by little I started to enjoy those times more, and to appreciate that I was having a little fun. And doing some things I never got to do when he was around. I controlle the TV remote and watched lots of shows he hated, like Murder She Wrote. LOL!

I started to feel free, actually. Free to come and go as I pleased, no longer having to worry what he did or didn't do, or when he'd be home. I started to say to my friends the things I DIDN'T miss. I also did open up and tlak about my feelings to lots of people.

I was aware I was repeating myself a lot, going over the same stuff time and again to my best friend or my mother-in-law. But they were kind and supportive and would listen. And it helped me. Just to keep having them reinforce that I was right, that was all I needed.

I could go on but this is already way long.

Hope my sharing somehow helps. For me just seeing that nothing about my situation, even the tiniest details like things he said, were unique made a difference to me. He was just textbook alcoholism. It wasn't personal, and I finally got the notion of the three C's - Can't Change it : Didn't Cause it : Can't Cure it (something like that)
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Old 09-18-2004, 12:05 PM
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Thanks for that. Once again, I so much of your situation in mine - it's scary. I can relate to the "zombie" period. It lasted a long time - probably close to two months. I've been on this board for a few weeks and it has saved me from doing many things that would have been detrimental to my moving forward.

He said that I was the one who had a problem with alcohol - not him - so I went into counselling! I realize now, from reading the posts, that this is not my issue and that I do not want to repeat this in a new relationship. My last two relationships have had alcohol issues and I know that I can't put up with it. Thank you for sharing with me, it reinforces that I'm not alone. I have wonderful friends but they don't understand the dynamics of the relationship and keep saying things like, "Good riddance", "He's a loser", "You will find someone new and better", etc. etc. I know they mean well but they really don't understand.
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Old 09-18-2004, 06:43 PM
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Greeneyes, I'm sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. But believe me when I tell you that it's pretty common. Even the success stories that you read about also have their share of falls before they triumped.
Friends (and family) are well-meaning and well intentioned. They see the alcoholic as the way they are. They see the faults of the person because they see how hurt you are. What I've come to realize is that no one really seems to get it unless they have been personally involved with someone that is an addict. I think that is why alanon can be such a wonderful support system. These people have been there - they truly understand.
Hang in there greeneyes!!! I'm standing behind you rooting you on and I know you can do this!
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Old 09-18-2004, 10:06 PM
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Thank you, StandingStrong! Right now, I am thinking about how he is enjoying himself at the family wedding and likely bombed out of his mind...and I wanted to witness that? Instead, as sick as I feel, I called a friend, went to her house and watched "Scarface"...not exactly a feel good movie but a good diversion! I was hoping that I wouldn't have a setback but I did. Thanks for the encouragement - I need all the support I can get!
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