Sobriety
Sobriety is a good, interesting and motivating word. I did not think of it in this way because I functioned during the day and only drank in the evening, but at the very least I was drunk most every night, even though I did not feel drunk or show the obvious signs. I do not know, maybe I got real good at compensating for the effects. I could drink (I drank secretly most of the time, even to the extent of sneaking out of the room and drinking extra when everyone was drinking wine at the dinner table etc. ) and no one could tell most of the times, other than for my red facedness or squinty eyes. I just felt satisfied after a few large beer. There are lots of photographs of me in the past 8 - 9 years at family events and I always have squinty eyes due to the alcohol.
I know that the alcohol effects were with me in many ways long after the evening's buzz wore off by the early hours of the next morning. I did not feel drunk during the next day whatsoever because I did not drink since about 9 - 10 pm the evening prior and I drank the equivalent of approx 10 regular size beer. I did not even have a hangover 98% of the time, especially if all I drank was beer.
I "functioned" during the day in a stressful and intellectually demanding job, but it certainly affected my performance in so many ways that I it bothers me to even think about all of the ways that my life has been lessened and that I have to that extent squandered those years of my life. I have many regrets. I will never get that time back. I sincerely regret taking that time away from my loved ones and choosing to drink in the evening and be restricted as a result as to what I could do rather than to do things with them. I have also potentially seriously jeaopardized my health in the long term. Maybe I am paranoid and all I need to do is accept my own thoughts and to stop once and for all. I have been able to do it for 5 days and really despise the thought of ever going back to the former me of less than a week ago.
I just hope that I continue to have my health in the long term and that I do not get any negative surprises in the future (cancer or other drinking related diseases). I have not been sick at all (at least as far as I know) in almost two years, not even a cold or mild flu, nothing. Perhaps this is a good sign, or perhaps all the alcohol killed the germs before they had a chance to multiply.
I am going to accept that the acute depression, the low point in my emotional state that I went through during the first 3 days of the work week last week, Jan 30, 31 and Feb 1, 2012 and my consequential decision to stop the drinking as hard signal that I have to change and stop drinking for good. No more broken promises to my self and the consequential disappointment and drop in self esteem. I feel like I already have, but I know that the disease can hold challenges for me in the future.
I have been very lucky in life and I am grateful to the Almighty for all that he has given me despite all of my stupidity. I have been given alot. Someone up there is looking out for me. I will no longer take advantage of that. I am going to be a better person and make up for all of this lost time to my family.
I have a client who advised me that his former wife (divorced now) was an alcoholic for the last 10 years of their marriage. He described to me all of the usual habits eg. hiding bottles, empty and full, around the house, smelly breath, the denials, the stumbling, slurring speach, incoherence, poor appearance, mood swings etc.
He basically to me that he concluded that she was drunk for the entire last 10years of their marriage. Think about it. Constantly drunk for 10 years. This is likely fundamentally true if you think of the daily cycle of drinking and the need to maintain the buzz expecially since she did not work outside of their home.
Drunk for 10 years straight. This is alcohlism. Who wants this?