Suffocating, I am so sorry, what a mess for you, my mom cheated on my dad before I was born and it made a real mess of their marriage, but they stayed together, I assume I am his because I look like him, but maybe that is why he was brutal to me growing up.
Do you feel like therapy is helping you deal with all this effectively? I have been reading "the Big Red Book" from ACOA and I see it as a beneficial addition to my weekly therapy. Also, my therapist does EMDR therapy to help me place these raw childhood issues back where they belong (in the childhood memory file drawer).
I had a friend sued for paternity a few years ago and the test cost him $800, but I just looked on ***** and they have a home test you can do for $79.00, if it came back that he absolutely is your biological father maybe he would be able to fully embrace you, there again who knows. If it was me I would want to know the truth so I could deal with it and go forward.
Either way, I will be here to listen and be there for you!
Best of luck and big hugs,
Bill