I know how much it hurts. You are smiling on the outside whilst your heart is breaking. I am in the same situation with my brother. When I see other families I wonder why ours was not the same. However, my brother chose his path in life. My parents were enablers, tho wonderful people. He needed tough love, but instead they gave into him at every turn. They are gone now and he is living off of others, who he charms for awhile. I miss him very much, but cannot have him in my life because of the chaos he brings with him. I have my family to think of. Just know that others have been where you are. I am thinking of you and praying for you. Try to enjoy your life, you deserve it.