"Just forget you have a son"

Old 02-04-2012, 11:45 AM
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"Just forget you have a son"

There were the words left on my voicemail. Oh, dear God, how I wish I could!! I've tried!! He knows this, too. His plea for money today has gone unanswered. Seems he took what little money he had and bought a $200 junky boat and wants $80 for a trailer and dogfood. Today is the 4th. His check comes to my house each month. (He has no address.) For the past two months I've "advanced" him some of his check and have recovered the loan when his check comes in. Gues what. It hasn't come this month and I'm already out. Suspicion -- he rerouted the check. Maybe not because he was temporarily dropped due to the hospital stay, but it is supposed to be reinstated. It "could" just be late.

Tonight is my step-daughter's wedding. It is a top-notch affair and has cost her dad and me lots of money. Lots. I can't say a word because my son has cost over the years so much more for pure nonsense. I have to focus on my hubby today and tonight. He deserves that. He has been very reflective about the whole thing. But she's marrying a great guy, both good jobs, starting with a brand new home, real bling on her finger, and a trip to Europe for a honeymoon.

It's all very awkward for me. Sat next to hubby's ex at rehearsal dinner. Feel very much like a 5th wheel (broken at that). It's the bride's and groom's day! I am trying to move through it without tears. I'm not normally a small-talk kind of person and would rather just observe from a distance. I will have a few friends there to not let me fall though.

Oh, and my son also said yesterday that the camper a friend of his lived in burned up Friday morning early. Any guess why? Think my son has been involved in same. I want to go away, live by myself in a beautiful setting and live on the bare necessities. (except for computer, of course

Oh, and the ex's brother is doing the music and his girlfriend is on the police force at my city....recent episode at our house which was horrific flashing before my eyes.

Can't talk to hubby about this, can't talk to anyone right now, so you are my venting place. Sorry.
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Old 02-04-2012, 11:54 AM
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(((washbe2))) - I'm sorry you're going through all this. It is hard to be dealing with really happy situations when we are hurting.

As far as the words on your voicemail? When I was using, I said similar things. When I left my XABF, he said the same to me when I refused to bail him out of jail.

It's meant to tug at your heart, it's manipulation, but I know that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Big hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 02-04-2012, 12:27 PM
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He has no money, you pay his rent and he buys a boat? Doesn't that pzzz you off? It would me...
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Old 02-04-2012, 07:57 PM
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Oh, yes, it mkes me mad, but my mad just never last very long, cause it's so sad. My phone has been off all night while at the wedding. He has called and texted several times. "Need $ ASAP and just forget me". Then a text which was a forward supposedly to him threatening to burn down his camper if he didn't get his money. My guess is he got a friend to send him the message so he could forward it to me.

The wedding is over, and I'm so glad. You are right, Impurrfect, it's hard to enjoy happy occasions when your heart is so heavy. My hubby was so please with the wedding though; I was glad to see him happy, so I haven't mentioned anything about AS to him.
Glad I came back here, so I could vent somewhere and relearn what i used to know.
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Old 02-04-2012, 08:02 PM
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****{Hugs to you washbe2 }}}
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Old 02-04-2012, 08:04 PM
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It's amazing how much thought they put into trying to con someone out of money. If they'd put that brain power to work in some positive areas, there's no telling how well they could do. It just amazes me that some people work so hard to screw up.

Hang in there, hon. We're with you on this. You can vent here any time and there will be someone who understands.
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Old 02-04-2012, 08:44 PM
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I just want to commend you for being so strong to be able to put on a "happy face" for the sake of your husband and his kid . . . that says a lot about your strength and character . . .

To not buckle and collapse with the kind of harassment you have received is nothing short of amazing. I could not have done it. I hope your son finds recovery and makes amends to you one day for putting you through this.
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Old 02-04-2012, 09:28 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
It's amazing how much thought they put into trying to con someone out of money. If they'd put that brain power to work in some positive areas, there's no telling how well they could do. It just amazes me that some people work so hard to screw up.

Hang in there, hon. We're with you on this. You can vent here any time and there will be someone who understands.
Amen to that.
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Old 02-05-2012, 04:42 AM
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Washbe, my heart hurts for you that you couldn't just enjoy the wedding and have some fun instead of worrying about your son. I've been there, I know that we may fake it well, but we hurt inside and our minds go a zillion miles an hour with the "what if's". I lost so many special occasions because I couldn't focus on the moment but instead lived in fear of the future.

I think you are doing well, you're getting the hang of this and I think that the more you practice, the better you will get.

What would happen if you declared a "Washbe Day" or better yet a "Washbe Week", where you got to just focus on you and anything else and let your son and God sort out his life? What would happen if you turned off the phone, didn't peek at the texts, and just lived your life for a day?

I know that sounds like a big challenge, but sweetie maybe just give one day a try and see how that works...you are worth it and I hereby declare tomorrow "International Washbe Day" because the world here is cheering you on.

Big hugs from one mama's heart to anothers.
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Old 02-05-2012, 05:05 AM
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You did well and should be proud of yourself. It's hard when they pull on your heart strings especially when your trying to take care of the other family members. You can vent here any time. We know the pain and anguish the A can cause.

Good job, stay strong!!!!
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Old 02-05-2012, 06:28 AM
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I LOVE Y'ALL. Makes me cry when I read your posts, but it helps so much. I actually very rarely cry any more. Comes from years of hiding emotions, I guess, so the floodgates open up when I'm alone and check the posts. Thanks. Maybe one day I'll get back to the point of being able to support others; right now, I'm not a very good example. Thanks.
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Old 02-05-2012, 06:59 AM
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I know how much it hurts. You are smiling on the outside whilst your heart is breaking. I am in the same situation with my brother. When I see other families I wonder why ours was not the same. However, my brother chose his path in life. My parents were enablers, tho wonderful people. He needed tough love, but instead they gave into him at every turn. They are gone now and he is living off of others, who he charms for awhile. I miss him very much, but cannot have him in my life because of the chaos he brings with him. I have my family to think of. Just know that others have been where you are. I am thinking of you and praying for you. Try to enjoy your life, you deserve it.
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Old 02-05-2012, 04:06 PM
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I like that idea, Ann. No one else has to celebrate it, but tomorrow I will turn off my phone and not turn it on for 24 hours. Hold me accountable. Kick me with your bunny slippers. (I'm so glad you still have them.)

My phone is off now, but not after a dozen or so texts and voice messages of threats to harm self or possibly someone else, fears, pleading, cursing. Said had been in a fight already and the guy was going to be back and one of them would be harmed. I wouldn't answer, so he called the home phone, my husband's cell phone and my mom. That's what happens when I don't answer.

I have contacted a counseling center and am expecting a call back tomorrow to set up appointment. I want to feel relaxed and content without stress and want that for all of you. Pray for my son. He is so pitiful. It's sad.
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Old 02-05-2012, 04:51 PM
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I am so glad you are going to get counseling, that's one of the things that helped me understand my own feelings and behaviours.

You are doing well, really you are (and you know I don't tell fibs). It's just hard to do it all the time.

And your boy is always in my prayers, you are too. God's got quite a list from me and I know He's listening, even when I annoy Him.

And congratulations!!! Washbe Day is destined to be a big success!!! Do something special for yourself because you are Queen of the Day!!!

Hugs
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Old 02-05-2012, 05:52 PM
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I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. It is hard but you're doing ok.

I've never had a loved one in Iraq or Afganistan and I can't imagine the worry that people experience when their sons or daughters are in a foreign country I harms way. But I imagine that they have to reach a point of acceptance. Acceptance that something bad could happen.

That's what I think about sometimes when my son is out there....homeless.....doing things that I know put him in harms way. It's like he's in a war zone. And something bad could happen to him. I let go and trust his HP to keep him out of harms way. There's an acceptance that he could die but I won't dwell on that.

My son still takes runs at me occasionally like your son is doing. Sometimes I do really well and other times I'm a mess. We're all doing the best we can and we're all doing what our mother's hearts can handle. There is no perfect way to do this. We just try to the best we can one day at a time.

Glad to hear that you're seeking counseling. That helped me a lot. And good for you for having a day just for you. As you can, try to have a day just for you a little more often. It helps.

You and your son are in my prayers.

gentle hugs
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Old 02-05-2012, 10:15 PM
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Washbe2, I just read your posts, and I'm ever amazed at how many other's just like me are in this world. My AS does the same things to me, and I'm trying very hard to distance. The chaos, the insanity of it all, the constant drama and everpresent emergencies. I know it drains your emotional energy, so yes, you are to be commended to holding up for the wedding day!

I think our addicts use phone contact (or texts, email) like a steel umbilical cord. Or maybe more like a leash. We're expected to respond immediately to a call, text or email. I've started turning my cell phone off quite often. And I'm considering having both my cell, home number, and husband's cell number all changed, unlisted, and not giving AS our numbers. That may be the next step for me, I don't know yet.

The 'letting go' is so hard. Intellectually I am trying to do it, but my heart hangs on. I know my faith is weak, and I pray for strength often, and I pray for help in the letting go.I have another son (who is not an addict) who needs me, and who has taken a back seat, so to speak, for pretty much his whole life because of his addict brother. I'm now starting to focus more on my non-addict son, my husband, and myself.

I'll say a prayer for you tonight. ****{hugs}}}
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Old 02-05-2012, 10:46 PM
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Washbe,
Huggs from one Mom to another. We are all in this together.

I know you are hurting, but you really sound like you are displaying good, healthy behavior. Although it's not easy, it is necessary to keep our own sanity.

You and your son are in my prayers,
Hope
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:14 PM
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Angry

I think my son could write a book on manipulation and I still fall for it!!

Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
(((washbe2))) - I'm sorry you're going through all this. It is hard to be dealing with really happy situations when we are hurting.

As far as the words on your voicemail? When I was using, I said similar things. When I left my XABF, he said the same to me when I refused to bail him out of jail.

It's meant to tug at your heart, it's manipulation, but I know that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Big hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:14 PM
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Angry

I think my son could write a book on manipulation and I still fall for it!!

Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
(((washbe2))) - I'm sorry you're going through all this. It is hard to be dealing with really happy situations when we are hurting.

As far as the words on your voicemail? When I was using, I said similar things. When I left my XABF, he said the same to me when I refused to bail him out of jail.

It's meant to tug at your heart, it's manipulation, but I know that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Big hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:18 PM
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sorry you're having a rough time so am I - my son has relasped and is homeless I am so very sad but so very tired of HIS problems taking over my life for so long- I am at the point of it's him or me - and he is homeless, no money, no job, and shelters are full.........
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