Originally Posted by Workingdrunk

Hello everyone. I just joined this website. I am 48 years old. Male. European background. I am professinally employed. I have been drinking heavily for the past say 13 years. I drink every evening after work. The amount of drinking has progressed to the point that I drink on average 6 tall cans of Heineken beer per evenings. Weekends usually start drinking in early afternoon. Except for the last two weekends when I have started drinking beer at 11:00 a.m. I am a binge drinker. I usually drink big quantities beer between the 6:00 p.m. to about 9- 10p.m. then stop until the next evening. I go to work everyday as a professional, but I know that I am not performing anywhere near my abilities. As this is an American site and I am from Canada I will translate the beer from metric equivalent into ounces. This is approximately 103 ounces of beer or roughly 10 regular size cans of 5% alcohol beer. On occassion I drink hard liquor, but this is the exception to the rule. Drink of choice is premium beer. I know that this is not the greatest amount of alcohol, but I am sick and tired of it and I am really worried that something is happening inside me, maybe cirrohsis, cancer or kidney disease. God I hope not. Please I have a family including a wonderful 8 year old boy who adores me and looks up to me. I want to be around to see him grow up and I am so scared that it is not going to happen. I feel like I am choosing alcohol over my family. I feel like a total moron, but I cannot stop. Every morning in the shower I tell myself that's it no more drinking, but sure enough when 5:00 p.m. rolls around it is the same thought process: "just this one more time then I will quit for good". Just keep lying to myself for years and years.

I have tried to quit on several occassions and the most that I have been able to do is a couple of months in the summer of 2007. There have been about 2 -3 other attempts that lasted for about two weeks at most. Last one was about 2 months ago and lasted 10 days. I was so sure I was going to conquer it this time, but then came the "Well just tonight and I will not buy more tomorrow." Well the "just tonight" has been going on for two months.

Interestingly, I do not seem to have any of the severe or dangerous type of withdrawal symtoms that everyone seems to state require a person to attend a detox center. Perhaps its just me or maybe it is because for whatever reason I am not susceptible to them at least for now.

I am becoming increasingly concerned about certain symptoms and am worried that I have cirrohsis or cancer or more. My symptoms are a dull mild pain under and just below my ribs on the right side and occassionally on the left side. It feels totally where my liver should be. I also get the occassional slightly sharp pain in the center of my chest just below where the two halves of my rib cage meet. I am thinking this is my gaul bladder or pancreas.
I have also pain in what I think are my kidneys. I have developed gout mostly in my right ankle also had constant pain in both elbows and slight pain in right toe. I first had symptoms about 3 years ago, pretty bad I was in bed and every movement however slight was very painful. This went on for about 2 days and then they never appeared again until about 4 months ago when the pain was so severe in my right ankle that I could hardly walk. This went on for about 7 weeks until the pain finally subsided on its own. I noticed the other day that I have a round red mark about 2 inches on my right ankel. This seems consistent with gout. I also seem to have a very noisy stomach after lunch. I usually eat vegetables at lunch, so this could be just the gas from the vegetables, but my stomach makes alot of noise. Also makes noise if I drink water after not having had any liquid for a while say 1 - 2 hours.

I have absolutely no problems with appetite, in fact I have a huge appetite most of the time. I try very hard to eat healthy (fruits vegetables and minimal red meat) and I think that for about 85% of the time I eat very healthy.

I have not sought medical treatment for any of this and have not seen my doctor for many years. He is an excellent doctor. Young and highly regarded by everyone including his fellow doctors. Problem is that he is the doctor for my entire family including my parents. No one knows about my alcohol problem except my wife and she does not know the half of it. I am so afraid of embarassment that I do not go see my doctor including for the gout. I am afraid that if my doctor ran tests the results would be off the charts, maybe I am wrong, but I am worried and embarrassed. Thinking I should stop drinking exercise, workout for 2 - 3 months and then go get a full physical, thinking that by this time tests should come back negative, but if they don't then I have a serious problem that has taken on a life of its own without alcohol.

In the past I also seem to have the occassional pain in what I have deduced is the lymph nodes in my groin or maybe the urinary tubes that go from your bladder to my penis. It is in that area. I do not know. I am thinking that this pain is in the lymph nodes because in last two months or so I have been experiencing pain in the lymph nodes on the right side of the back of my head.

I have sleep problems. Basically I fall asleep right away at approx 10:00 pm. and wake at about 2:30 p.m. After that I cannot fall asleep. I am always very depressed and anxious in the morning when I have to go to work. I had night sweats this past summer for a couple of weeks then they disappeared. Now starting to have them again but they are mild sweats almost unnoticeable, but I am so freaked out by what all this could mean that I always think of the worst possibilty.

I have so many very sad thoughts. Today I was walking on the street coming from the bank and I had to make an effort not to cry. I think this sort of morning depression and anxiety has something to do with the alcohol withdrawal.

My belly is protruding, but I think this is more of a genetic body type thing than ascites or maybe a combination of both. My wieght has been constant for the past year or so pretty much in the range of 186 - 189 pounds.

I have had all of the above symptoms for years except for the lymph node pain in the neck and the sleepless nights. Sleepless nights have been going on for about 6 months.

I am practically certain that I am going to die soon from my alcoholism, either liver disease or cancer caused by alcohol. It seems that the symptoms keep increasing and none of them go away. I just get more.

Another symptom. Forgetfullness. My short term memory is shot. I do not know if this is stress related, or if it is an indication of some sort of brain damage.

The only symptom that I have with my liver is the mild dull pain which is almost constant now. I do not have yellow skin or eyes. I do not have clubbed finger nails. I do not have itchy skin. My urine and bowel movements are normal and regular, except for my bowel movements which for the most part are ribbon stools. These ribbon stools have been going on for years as well. Maybe this is pressure against my bowel, but if it is cancer growing can it go on for years like this?

The other day I was pressing on the lower region of my rib cage firmly but not hard, I thought I could feel something, maybe some sort of bubble but if anything is was very soft almost not noticeable. I go to take shower the next day and I have a two inch yellow and grey round bruise in that same spot like as if I was hit with something there. I did not press anywhere hard enough to cause a bruise, it was more like a circular motion trying to find something which I could not. Bruise disappeared in a week.

Can anyone relate to any of this. I am really freaked out.

Thank you for your help and understanding.