Hello,
I hope you all are having a calm and peaceful evening.
I've been separated from my AH since the beginning of November. Just before Christmas he decided to check himself into a basic treatment place that he's been to previously. K, not my battle... I so get this now... and am relieved I don't care one way or the other what he's doing (or not doing).
What IS my battle though are the huge waves of negative thoughts and feelings that have been flooding forward since he's been gone.
I've blocked out a lot of the crap that happened since the summer time as his addiction to alcohol and drugs steadily got worse, but it all comes rushing back to me like daggers, esp. when my AH tries to make 'positive contact' with me.
My AH seems to think that writing things out makes them true. I'll illustrate what I'm talking about
: A few weeks ago, AH made a card and sent it in the mail. Fine. I didn't have a problem with it... that is until I got the card and read it. I get this 'card' and the envelope doesn't have his return address, but instead this "A Loving Husband." - I was miffed by that at first, but then I kept thinking about and it snowballed my feelings to becoming FURIOUS with this 'innocent' comment.
I open the home made card to see that he's painstakingly written out our marriage vows (around Faith Hope and Love)... and that he loves me etc.. blah blah blah (ppppbbbbt)... --- I felt 'gross' afterwards and couldn't place my finger on it, until he called me. We arranged to meet to go to church but as soon as I hung up, I just didn't feel right about it (seeing him)
The next day, he tried to video conference me via: facetime (I missed his calls, but wouldn't have answered anyway) and then texted me on fb hoping my day was nice. Innocent enough right? But again, it just felt so wrong and I started getting angry. So I called him and told him it was too much too soon for me... that I needed at least a few months of no contact so that I could focus on myself and visa versa. He did not like this one bit.
I then sent him a pm on facebook to thank him for the card, but repeating our marriage vows on paper wasn't going to make everything that happened just disappear and that time (a lot of time) and results were going to be the deciding factors here - not WORDS.
I then get a furious call from him to say that I took something 'innocent' and 'loving' that he wrote and turned it into something mean and horrible. I lost my temper at this point and said to him that he could not just WRITE smarmy words and expect me just to be thankful for it... and that I was angry that he had written "a loving husband" when he had been nothing but... He then blew up and said "I AM YOUR HUSBAND!!" and then I became calm and said ... "No, you're not... we're separated... you haven't been a loving husband in a VERY long time and just writing it isn't going to make it true." I told him I felt he was being selfish... that he was only thinking of himself and his feelings and how it was affecting him etc.
So anyway, he 'listened' and apologized for his outburst but I'm not sure if he HEARD me. We mutually agreed to not chat on the phone for a few months and maybe would connect again in April or so.
I haven't been in contact with him via: fb since our last conversation but we are still 'friends'... --- and he hasn't DONE anything that warrants me taking him off, but on my main news info. page today, I see posts of all my friends etc., and he wrote this:
"I love my wife F. so much and while my past actions were not loving at times.....I am working my ass off to prove that people can change. While I make changes for myself....make no mistake, the end result is a wife beside me,I pray. Until then I feel half empty...or is that half full?"
My anger rears it's ugly head yet again... and I got angrier and angrier as I re-read the damn thing... "while my past actions were not loving AT TIMES..." AT TIMES!?!?! --- and then he goes on to saying how much he's working his ass off... and then hopes I'll be there by his side... --- WHY is this making me so mad!?!?
Why does he have to announce what he's doing / or is planning on doing?? Why can't he just fecking DO IT and not try to put it out there for the world to see his words?!?! Isn't it the RESULTS of his actions that are going to be the ONLY things that matter?!?!
I wanted sooo bad to write him back and tell him this, (actually I did but erased it)... but then I realized I'd be sucked into HIS 'stuff' and that's what he probably wants.
I heard (I forget where) that an addict's brain doesn't really start to get back to 'normal' for a good six months after they have been in recovery... that the first six months are the hardest... and that they go through A LOT of ups and downs. I just can't be there for him while he goes through all this because I was the brunt of his frustrations in the past and I've got my own life to worry about now.
I just feel so fecking angry because it's all about him... that he really ISN'T thinking of me at all during this whole thing and my thoughts and feelings, but rather his own and how it's affecting him. What I think is secondary... (I feel) or hell, not even a consideration at all.
I want to stop feeling this way and want to stop blaming him for my anger. He hasn't really 'done' anything wrong since he's been in recovery... he's tried to reach out and I'm too angry. He's trying... but anything right now even done in innocence is making me furious.
I don't want to unfriend him in fb, because again he's not crossing boundaries etc., (he's leaving me alone), but I've got to start healing myself properly and stop feeling so angry, hurt and used (from his past actions).
So my question is this... - how did you manage to get over being angry at your addicted loved one for their past actions and actually forgive them? Or is this something that time will just eventually heal? I've been to counseling, ALANON, NARANON and will cont'd to do so... I'm just feeling scared at my emotions and how out of control they seem to be when my AH tries to hold out an olive branch...
... maybe I still feel he's trying to manipulate me like he's done in the past... and my feelings are a way of protecting me from that (and him)?
I dunno. I'm just tired of feeling this way.
