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Angry... and tired of feeling angry.

Old 02-02-2012, 11:02 PM
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Angry Angry... and tired of feeling angry.

Hello,

I hope you all are having a calm and peaceful evening.

I've been separated from my AH since the beginning of November. Just before Christmas he decided to check himself into a basic treatment place that he's been to previously. K, not my battle... I so get this now... and am relieved I don't care one way or the other what he's doing (or not doing).

What IS my battle though are the huge waves of negative thoughts and feelings that have been flooding forward since he's been gone.

I've blocked out a lot of the crap that happened since the summer time as his addiction to alcohol and drugs steadily got worse, but it all comes rushing back to me like daggers, esp. when my AH tries to make 'positive contact' with me.

My AH seems to think that writing things out makes them true. I'll illustrate what I'm talking about: A few weeks ago, AH made a card and sent it in the mail. Fine. I didn't have a problem with it... that is until I got the card and read it. I get this 'card' and the envelope doesn't have his return address, but instead this "A Loving Husband." - I was miffed by that at first, but then I kept thinking about and it snowballed my feelings to becoming FURIOUS with this 'innocent' comment.

I open the home made card to see that he's painstakingly written out our marriage vows (around Faith Hope and Love)... and that he loves me etc.. blah blah blah (ppppbbbbt)... --- I felt 'gross' afterwards and couldn't place my finger on it, until he called me. We arranged to meet to go to church but as soon as I hung up, I just didn't feel right about it (seeing him)

The next day, he tried to video conference me via: facetime (I missed his calls, but wouldn't have answered anyway) and then texted me on fb hoping my day was nice. Innocent enough right? But again, it just felt so wrong and I started getting angry. So I called him and told him it was too much too soon for me... that I needed at least a few months of no contact so that I could focus on myself and visa versa. He did not like this one bit.

I then sent him a pm on facebook to thank him for the card, but repeating our marriage vows on paper wasn't going to make everything that happened just disappear and that time (a lot of time) and results were going to be the deciding factors here - not WORDS.

I then get a furious call from him to say that I took something 'innocent' and 'loving' that he wrote and turned it into something mean and horrible. I lost my temper at this point and said to him that he could not just WRITE smarmy words and expect me just to be thankful for it... and that I was angry that he had written "a loving husband" when he had been nothing but... He then blew up and said "I AM YOUR HUSBAND!!" and then I became calm and said ... "No, you're not... we're separated... you haven't been a loving husband in a VERY long time and just writing it isn't going to make it true." I told him I felt he was being selfish... that he was only thinking of himself and his feelings and how it was affecting him etc.

So anyway, he 'listened' and apologized for his outburst but I'm not sure if he HEARD me. We mutually agreed to not chat on the phone for a few months and maybe would connect again in April or so.

I haven't been in contact with him via: fb since our last conversation but we are still 'friends'... --- and he hasn't DONE anything that warrants me taking him off, but on my main news info. page today, I see posts of all my friends etc., and he wrote this:

"I love my wife F. so much and while my past actions were not loving at times.....I am working my ass off to prove that people can change. While I make changes for myself....make no mistake, the end result is a wife beside me,I pray. Until then I feel half empty...or is that half full?"

My anger rears it's ugly head yet again... and I got angrier and angrier as I re-read the damn thing... "while my past actions were not loving AT TIMES..." AT TIMES!?!?! --- and then he goes on to saying how much he's working his ass off... and then hopes I'll be there by his side... --- WHY is this making me so mad!?!?

Why does he have to announce what he's doing / or is planning on doing?? Why can't he just fecking DO IT and not try to put it out there for the world to see his words?!?! Isn't it the RESULTS of his actions that are going to be the ONLY things that matter?!?!

I wanted sooo bad to write him back and tell him this, (actually I did but erased it)... but then I realized I'd be sucked into HIS 'stuff' and that's what he probably wants.

I heard (I forget where) that an addict's brain doesn't really start to get back to 'normal' for a good six months after they have been in recovery... that the first six months are the hardest... and that they go through A LOT of ups and downs. I just can't be there for him while he goes through all this because I was the brunt of his frustrations in the past and I've got my own life to worry about now.

I just feel so fecking angry because it's all about him... that he really ISN'T thinking of me at all during this whole thing and my thoughts and feelings, but rather his own and how it's affecting him. What I think is secondary... (I feel) or hell, not even a consideration at all.

I want to stop feeling this way and want to stop blaming him for my anger. He hasn't really 'done' anything wrong since he's been in recovery... he's tried to reach out and I'm too angry. He's trying... but anything right now even done in innocence is making me furious. I don't want to unfriend him in fb, because again he's not crossing boundaries etc., (he's leaving me alone), but I've got to start healing myself properly and stop feeling so angry, hurt and used (from his past actions).

So my question is this... - how did you manage to get over being angry at your addicted loved one for their past actions and actually forgive them? Or is this something that time will just eventually heal? I've been to counseling, ALANON, NARANON and will cont'd to do so... I'm just feeling scared at my emotions and how out of control they seem to be when my AH tries to hold out an olive branch...

... maybe I still feel he's trying to manipulate me like he's done in the past... and my feelings are a way of protecting me from that (and him)?

I dunno. I'm just tired of feeling this way.
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Old 02-02-2012, 11:32 PM
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I believe you are entitled to every emotion you are feeling at this time. And I agree that now is the time to be working on YOU.

I was never so stressed out and angry, and crazy as i was when I was living with an active alkie. It sucked the life right out of me, and at times I forgot how to breathe. So by all means, learn to breathe again, just for you. Embrace you, tomorrow will take care of itself.

May you find peace as you travel this unknown path.
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Old 02-02-2012, 11:37 PM
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CanfixONLYme,

thank you soooo much for this post. Your words and feelings sound very similar to mine. I have been separated from my AH for almost a year now.

it is so true. all they do (mine at least) is go on and on about themselves and what we have done to them and how they are doing so much to fix it, etc. etc.
i don't know about your husband, but as far as mine goes, i still pretty much feel that most if not all of his "good deeds" are just trying to manipulate me. mine had sent me and the kids handmade birthday gifts (our birthdays are the same month) that were absolutely the best of the best. something i would have so wished for all of the years that we were married and then later on proceeded to complain for the lack of appreciation on my part. i mean i did thank him for them, but i wasn't gona gallop back home if that was what he expected.

anyways, i don't want to ramble on about my stuff. in response to your questions, i don't seem to get angry with him as much as i used to. i am not sure if it is the time that's passed, my education about the disease of addiction, or me working on myself, or the combination of all of them. so i'm not of much help. just wanted to let you know that it should get better.

hang in there and stay strong. all this anger did not build up overnight and will take time to get resolved. and also, there is nothing wrong with being angry. at least you are in touch with your real emotions, however you might not want to be. anger is good sometimes. it helps us define what we want and do not want.

thanks again for sharing. you are not alone in your feelings.

hugs and prayers to you.
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Old 02-02-2012, 11:54 PM
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Thanks Marie... for your calming words of clarity... muchly appreciated.

Pacific... you and I joined SR around the same time, so I read your stories and trials and have to say how proud I am that you have come so far in many many great ways! Thanks very much for your message.

I am hoping this anger phase is a short one...but I can't rush things and have to be patience with whatever course my feelings take me. The biggest positive thing I am seeing however, is how I'm trusting myself again! I CAN trust my gut and thoughts and NOT second guess myself.

Being separated from my AH has been literally a gift for me and my sanity. I no longer live in the chaos 24/7 of addiction and have that choice to feel or not feel my emotions in safety and security. It's a good feeling. Something I'm not going to give up, just because of a homemade card with fluffy WORDS was delivered to me ... or words written down for friends and family to 'see' on fb. You know, it shouldn't really matter because people aren't stupid and will see for themselves what he's doing (or not).

Thanks again!! Hugs!
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Old 02-03-2012, 04:36 AM
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i know you said you don't want to unfriend him but perhaps reconsider that.

now is the time to take care of yourself. that one facebook post disrupted your peace.

i think it is inappropriate of him to talk publically about your relationship on facebook. why doesn't he just write about himself? appears to me he is playing the sympathy card and trying to get people on his side. it's manipulation, plain and simple.

no contact is really the quickest route to getting the space you need to sort out your emotions and heal.

i would unfriend him.

as for the card, that just feels like more manipulation. trying to remind you of the marriage vows. yuck. if he was a loving husband, he would give you the space you have requested. he's not. he's pushing/pulling and manipulating.

do what you need to do for yourself. he's not thinking of you. he's thinking of himself.

naive
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Old 02-03-2012, 05:33 AM
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It's all about him, I, I, Me, Me, addicts are very selfish and self centered. His words mean nothing, focus on his actions, they speak volume.

When I got rid of my ex, at first I was steaming hot, I wanted to poke his eyes out and light his 10 strands of hair on fire....I finally got over that, then I moved onto the humor stage, then total relief. Today, I don't even give him a second thought, I am happy and focused on me and my life, could care less what he does or who he does it with.

Keep working on you, keep posting, we are here for you.
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Old 02-03-2012, 05:36 AM
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I felt better when I realized that the anger is a normal feeling....one I have to get through before forgiveness can happen.

I actually found a lot of comfort in reading about the grief process and how that works in this particular avenue. There are five stages and the person does not have to die for you to experience grief. The stages are denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. They cycle through often more than once. Just knowing that my reactions were normal was really helpful to me.

Secondly one thing that I have held onto here (but I wish I had been open to learning it earlier) was that my ex when we were first separated want kudos for doing "normal" things like putting hte dishes in the dishwasher. Reading what your husband wrote feels similar to me.

If it made me nuts I had to figure out a way to not engage with it. That took me a long while but I finally found my way.
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Old 02-03-2012, 05:52 AM
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You have every right to be angry. No one else has the exact situation you do, so your emotions are not something anyone can tell you to have or not to have. I also go through days of extreme anger, even when my AH seems to be "controlling" his addiction. Sometimes he can be drinking ice water, and I still have visions of the last time he staggered around the house and passed out.

There is no solution that works for every person, but I have found that concentrating on my own health and happiness gives me the strength to let him work on his.

Unlike you, I am still with my AH. There are days when he has a beer or two, and there are times when he gets "plastered". I have detached myself from his drunkeness. I refuse to associate with him while he's drunk and just find something else to do. The only concession to that is that if he calls for a ride home from somewhere, I will silently provide one. That is to protect any other person who is out there on the roads, not to protect him.
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Old 02-03-2012, 05:59 AM
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Just a quick question. How does reading his mail, letting him friend you on facebook and all of these other contacts help YOUR recovery?

I made my biggest improvement when I put my recovery first. When I wasn't sure on how to handle something I always asked myself, how does this help my recovery.

I am happy to say I am now doing MUCH better.

Good luck with your recovery, there is tons of support here for you.

Your friend,
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Old 02-03-2012, 07:28 AM
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Give yourself the right to feel your emotions. You've only been separated since November and he began going to treatment a MONTH ago. That's a very short period of time. OF COURSE you're pissed, and rightly so.

IMO, *live the anger*. Workout, kickbox, vocalize, get some pillows and go to town...write down all the little things that tick you off. In my culture, it isn't justified for women to display or feel anger, which is why I held mine in for so long, but once I allowed myself to vocalize the anger, hurt and frustration I'd felt in the 6 year I was married to XAH, I felt so.much.better. Then I was able to move on to other stages in the grieving process.
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Old 02-03-2012, 09:42 AM
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I sooooo get your FB frustration. I have left my XAH on as a "friend" He never writes stuff like that, but occasionally will comment on post I have made. Stuff like, 'I know, right Honey?"
I f*&**(&NG HATE it when he calls me honey. It actually gives me a physical reaction-like eeeeeeeeewwwwww!
I unfriended him recently, but he threw a fit (we have kids, he wants to see pictures, etc) so I gave in and re-added him. I think I made a point though, he hasn't commented on any of my stuff since.
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:40 PM
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I'm with noday -- I think it's great that you can get in touch with the emotion of anger and let it up and OUT. Writing it out here is a very healthy exercise and will move you through the stage much more quickly.

And, sorry, but I agree with the others -- "unfriend" him or sign off of FB for awhile. I did and I really don't miss it at all.
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Old 02-03-2012, 09:37 PM
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Thanks for responding. Recovery is a process... a long one for some and a blessed short one for others... I'm glad (on the most part) that I can come to this forum, post my thoughts and feelings without being chastised for being human and having feelings about something so important and vital that affects MY life.

I appreciate the positive feedback, encouragement and HELPFUL advice. That is always appreciated!

And ps... I'm proud of everyone who has the guts to come on here and pour their emotions, fears, SCREW UPS, thoughts, feelings, mistakes etc., and am thankful to those who respond who are there to 'listen', understand and give their own perspectives on what has worked for themselves (and what hasn't). It really does help.

Have a great eve all!
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Old 02-04-2012, 04:36 AM
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The combination of your AH and FB or any social forum is lethal. You can expect these type of comments and possibly even more upsetting ones to freely flow WHILE HE IS A FRIEND there. De-friend him and he can sit in the toot and print words on toilet paper as far as you are concerned....because you won't see any of his rubbish.

He is a thorn in your foot and will continue hurting you until...YOU remove that thorn.
Whether that will upset or anger him is beside the point, as it is't his comfort and peace to worry about, it is yours.

Do yourself a big favour and give him the boot off your bit of FB, and really do go NC with him.
Good luck and peace.
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Old 02-05-2012, 10:43 PM
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For me as time went on after our split, I came to have more and more insights into the ways my partner had manipulated me. I ran the whole gamut of emotions, initially feeling stupid, quickly followed by hurt and finally around a year later I came to the point where I was able to laugh at the farce our life had become.

I can only speak for myself, but at this stage - even if I weren't in a relationship with a beautiful netw partner with rock-solid values - there is no way I could have my ex in my life again. The relationship would never stand a chance because I would forever be questioning the motives behind every single action my partner made. In fact, that was one thing I initially brought into my current relationship - a tendency to over-analyse actions - as baggage from my previous relationship.

I understand the anger. Perhaps my biggest frustration prior to our break-up was my partner's apologising after yet another cataclysmic bender. That frustration was borne out of the fact that much of the time she had no idea what she was apologising for, as she couldn't remember much of what she had done. As a result, the apology was worthless.

I think you're going through a healing process and the anger is a natural part of it. I would urge you to think carefully about opening up communication though, because too much water has passed under the bridge.

Peter
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