AH did end up making the conversation more about him than me. I think he really wanted to talk to me, but instead of just saying that he tried to make it about me to get the conversation started.
From AH actions I feel as though he has one foot in the recovery door. Some days he seems as though he is doing good and then others he falls short a bit. . . that’s all of us though huh.
It's kinda like the stock market. When looking for a stock to invest in you look at its track record and try and judge whether or not it's a good investment. It's really tough to take the risk of putting your money into a stock that has been failing for so many years! I think the best route would be to sit back and watch it a little bit to see that it is on the rise or that it is stable.
Sometimes I feel as though my AH is doing all of the surface things like cleaning the house, cooking dinner, taking out the trash but when I sit and talk to him and try and really connect with him it seems there is something missing. He doesn't seem to really connect the dots of his addiction. He is still thinking that just stopping the drugs is what recovery is all about.
There is nothing I can do about his recovery. It is his and I am just trying to focus on mine. My questions and sharing of this post were really to make sure I'm not off base with my thinking. To gather different people’s views of how to interpret the conversation.
AH is trying to make amends. It's just when he says things like he said the other night it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a horrible feeling. We are trying to be open with each other. We do things together, plan family dates and have fun together, but anything on an intimate level or having a deep conversation is awkward and I feel like I am guarding my heart. I know I'm not letting him in. . I know I have a wall up, but I'm not ready to let it down yet. Maybe I will never be ready. I am just going to keep working on cleaning up my side of the street and doing the next best thing.
It does suck not knowing what is going to happen. I want the crystal ball damn it! I want to have a 5 year plan hell I want to have a 6 month plan lol I am trying to accept that I can only take each min or each hour as it comes. Geeesshhh sounds so simple but it's so dang hard!