For my A, it was all about control. He had to be in control of everything - the house, the schedule, the chores... everything. And as his own life began hurtling out of control ... like a satellite out of orbit. he lost his job (too controlling there too) and then family members didnt want to be around him anymore... he became angrier and more controlling at home. No matter who did what chore, it wasn't good enough. And god forbid, if I stepped in and did something, all he!! would break loose. WE fought more about ME doing housework and chores that those "lazy kids" should be doing. He would walk around and make notes about what they did wrong, nothing about what they did right, and then he would lecture and rage and carry on for hours.
Just writing about it makes me tense and uneasy, and we have been divorced for 4 yrs now. My sons and I have a terrific relationship, and life in my house is easy and serene. If there are shoes on the floor, I ask one of them to pick them up as they go past. Its not some huge big deal worth yelling and screaming and name calling. Its just shoes on the floor. For me, it's so much easier to communicate when there isnt all that tension hanging in the air all the time.
Hope things get better. Give your daughter a hug for us!
Barb