Kids Cleaning

Old 09-15-2004, 09:09 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Gracey
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Kids Cleaning

I am always posting when things are going bad it seems..........

These last 11 days have been going very good for me......my AH for the most part has been very quiet these last 11 days..telling me how much he loves me and is being very apologetic........he is sober for 150 days tomorrow......I told him how proud of him I was..........

We havent seen are counselor in three weeks due to my daughter having drivers training......we are going back tonight..We left are a really raw subject last time we were their regarding my oldest child.....My husband was complaing how she doesnt do anything......around the house unless asked......if I ask her then she does it no problem........sometimes half ass, sometimes not........Sometimes I have to ask her more then once...........sometimes I dont.......sometimes I have to remind her.........and sometimes I dont...........Sometimes when I ask her, if she accomplished the task I asked her to do.......(it maybe as simple as switching the washer and dryer around) she says she forgets........I know my daughter doesnt like doing chores in the house........

My thing is it doesnt bother me...........I have had this theory as long as she is doing well in school.......that is her full time job......I dont bring work home with me........she does.........she has homework to do........and studying for a test........I dont...she is a sophmore with enough pressure on her already...........am I being way to easy........

My AH biggest complaint is my daughter not doing anything around the house...I have told him to not focus on her to focus on what he is doing........It is driving me crazy.......Is this another way he is trying to pull me in..........to this chaos......he never says anything to her......he is always telling me to tell her to do this.......or ask her to not do that......I told him yesterday.....I am sick of you telling me to tell her to do something......I told him to tell her........he says if I tell her you wont like what I say or how I tell her........

He said he wants a chore list.........I have created one before and his name was included on the list..........everyone was doing what they were suppose to do at first but him..........for some reason he doesnt remember that list I attempted......because he is always telling me if you would just listen to me about that chore list......everything would be fine.......ergggggggggg......alot of the time the list wouldnt get followed by anyone but me.........things come up.......big test......unexpected homework..........a friend coming over.....or her going there........

I really think this is one of his obsessions.............he knows that he can push my buttons when it comes to her.........he gets in his mood saying it is not her fault it is mine because I dont make her do anything, I didnt teach her anything......her straight A's is what i care about...I dont care if she didnt get all straight A's as long as she was doing the best she can.....and she does and to me school is number one......that is her life and her future...............Everyone else is happy but him.........is this a target........It is almost harder for me to ask my kids to do something then it is to do it myself......It is more work and more frustration for me.............does that make sense to anyone..........

If anyone were to ever drop over my house or say they will be there in 20 minutes........that is all I would need to make it presentable.......I would shut my kids doors (sometimes).........nobody ever sees my oldest daughters room unless it is her friends and if she want to be embarrased then let her.........but she tends to pick it up if she knows a friend is coming over....tooooo
 
Old 09-15-2004, 10:08 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
cwohio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
gracey - i don't have kids so i can't speak from experience. i would still want my kids to have some chores, just for the sake of learning responsbility and juggling many things (just like in the adult world). if your ah wants a chore list, let HIM make one up - then maybe it will be to his liking!

i feel the same way about cleaning - it's easier to do it myself, but lately i have left some of the cleaning (like my ah bathroom) up to him - i don't mess it therefore i am not cleaning it - and it shows, but just one of my baby steps at not "doing it all"!

good luck at the counseling tonite - maybe they will have a suggestion.

hugs - cwohio
cwohio is offline  
Old 09-15-2004, 06:48 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
JT
Supply Manager
 
JT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
It sound like you were looking in my windows. When the Beav was young and at home it was a constant issue what he was or was not doing and it was all about me. It was my fault. I felt like I was wearing a black and white striped shirt and a whistle.

In hindsite I see now that it was all a smoke screen. It was whole bunch of noise. What I mean is that no matter what I changed he still would have been complaining about it. I still don't know what it is about.

In the end I have ended up doing whatever I thought was best. If I threw it back at him like "Fine...you make the decisions" he didn't, so what does that tell you?

It is awful to be the go-between so just don't do it. Someone told me once that "they" are allowed to have whatever relationship they end up with. But I could have mine too. Take off the whistle!

Hugs,
JT
JT is offline  
Old 09-15-2004, 08:14 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Queen of one liners
 
Daffodil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
JT now its my turn. You were looking in my windows way back when.

My sponsor told me to get out of the middle, no matter what it took. So whenever someone tried to put me in the middle, I'd go to the store for a loaf of bread even if I didn't need one.
It took a while but I manged to get out of the triangle AND end up with a freezer full of bread.

Now I make a really good bread pudding.

I learned to take the action needed, to do what was in my best interest.

Today I don't translate for anyone.

Good luck gracey!
Daffodil is offline  
Old 09-16-2004, 07:22 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Gracey
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
I have been thinking about that alot lately.......He is just using this situation as another way to pull me in......I am going to have to start treating this like I do everything else........

I went to my counselor's lastnight.......after work I had to pick Ashley up......drop her off at home and pick my husband up at home before I went to the counselors......when I dropped off Ashley I quickly went in to see if he was ready........He was sleeping.........I decided that is not my job to make sure he is up to go to the counselors......I only had two minutes anyway......my appointment is at 5:00, I didnt get home till 4:50.......just enough time to swing in there, honk the horn.......and leave........well he was sleeping........so I told Ashley that I would be back around 6:15..........she asked where I was going and if she could go with me......I told her where I was going and she still wanted to go.......

We had a great session...........my counselor was able to meet my daughter who my H has such a problem with.........My counselor said what a great girl she was......and the way my H described her was alot different then what the counselor saw........the counselor thougth she was this fat, unkept, lazy person...........despite what I had said......that kind of bothered me..........but he saw lastnight for himself what I was saying was the truth........he said that my daughter was a well rounded, beautiful thin girl.........My daughter told the counselor she didnt like my h......the counselor has heard for the last three months quite the opposite from my h about my daughter......If my husband makes it next week to the counselors, I dont know where it is going........but for now I am only going to concentrate on today..........

My H made arrangements with my MIL to take Bree while we went to counseling............(which of course he didnt make it) but I still after the meeting had to go pick up Bree at her granny's............My MIL asked where my H was.......I said he didnt make the meeting because he was sleeping..........I told her I am not his mother and it was not my responsibility to wake him up.....I gathered Bree together because I was on my way to church.....I told his mother that I was not going to go home and wake him up.....if he is not ready, then I am going to church without him........So what does she do...........she calls my house and has my son go and wake him up...........When I went home he was ready.......so off to church we went.....

He didnt ask how the meeting went till this morning.......I just said fine......he asked what we talked about......I said not much.....I am going to leave it at that......he called me at work this morning on his break......he says he has to get out of this job........he says people are teasing him about the affair that he had with his co-worker that is now back full time......he apologized again for what he did to us...........I think this is actually the first time he is actually reaping the consequences for his actions.....

As far as Ashley goes.......he hardly ever says anything to her........it is always directed to me..........and I am not going to get pulled in anymore.........
 
Old 09-17-2004, 05:06 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
JT
Supply Manager
 
JT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Now if only Ashley could get to be as smart as you. How does she handle him being on her?
JT is offline  
Old 09-17-2004, 06:36 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
 
Petunia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Gracey,

Thank you so much for sharing. As I read your posts, it took me right back to my teenage years with my family (and more recently since nothing has changed between them).

I know that I would have benefited so greatly from having a safe place to honestly share my feelings and I applaud you, and cheer you, and jump up and down with glee that YOU GAVE YOUR DAUGHTER THAT OPPORTUNITY! You gave her a safe place, a port in the storm of CoDe-ness . What a true blessing. You may never know how important it was for you to show her that it is okay to open up but I know I would have clung to that like a life preserver in a great wide ocean on pain.

From the recovering adult child or a non-drinking, raging, perfectionist, alcoholic - BRAVO Mom!

Wishing you peace today,

Petunia
Petunia is offline  
Old 09-17-2004, 06:43 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
dax
Member
 
dax's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
My daughter had the room from hell. We did not see the floor for maybe 4 years. I certainly was not going to clean it. So we just kept the door shut. She had to live there. She was a rebelous child as a teenager anyway. We had more pressing problems. We didn't see the floor till she moved out. She now has a beautful house and a husband that cleans. How lucky is that! She is one smart wonderful young women. And we get along great. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful child and I feel as you do the chore issue should be a minor thing. I also think you arer a fantastic mother. you really do have it together. hugs dax
dax is offline  
Old 09-17-2004, 06:54 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
 
osier59's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
For my A, it was all about control. He had to be in control of everything - the house, the schedule, the chores... everything. And as his own life began hurtling out of control ... like a satellite out of orbit. he lost his job (too controlling there too) and then family members didnt want to be around him anymore... he became angrier and more controlling at home. No matter who did what chore, it wasn't good enough. And god forbid, if I stepped in and did something, all he!! would break loose. WE fought more about ME doing housework and chores that those "lazy kids" should be doing. He would walk around and make notes about what they did wrong, nothing about what they did right, and then he would lecture and rage and carry on for hours.

Just writing about it makes me tense and uneasy, and we have been divorced for 4 yrs now. My sons and I have a terrific relationship, and life in my house is easy and serene. If there are shoes on the floor, I ask one of them to pick them up as they go past. Its not some huge big deal worth yelling and screaming and name calling. Its just shoes on the floor. For me, it's so much easier to communicate when there isnt all that tension hanging in the air all the time.

Hope things get better. Give your daughter a hug for us!

Barb
osier59 is offline  
Old 09-17-2004, 07:18 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
kfa2004's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
Gracie, Reading your post has reminded me of what my life was like for about 20 years. The kids never did enough for my AH. I never did enough. I am finding out that it was all a ploy to keep the spot light off of him and what he was or wasn't doing.

I was in counseling with my oldest son for several years and the one thing I took away with me was my counselors favorite saying "Don't sweat the small stuff. There are more than enough big items to worry about". In his definition my son's room and bathroom being clean were relatively small in the middle of all the big things we were dealing with. It was his room and bathroom, if he could stand living in the mess and having his friends see it then I should not worry about it. If it bothered me I was to Shut the doors so I didn't have to look at it.

My kids do some chores but they are not real time consuming. I believe that their main job is school. Both of my kids that are left here at home make A's and B's on school work. It takes them a couple of hours every night to do their homework. For me those are the most important things. Because of activities connected with school it is 5 or 5:30 before they get home from school. Their days are as exhausting as mine are.

From one Mom to another. Trust your instincts with your daughter. I think you are doing pretty well.

Hugs
Kat
kfa2004 is offline  
Old 09-17-2004, 09:49 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Gracey
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
That is the main thing that scares me is how is Ashley really dealing with all of this....I dont know......on the outside she ignores him.......rolls her eyes when he is not looking.....stays away from him......openly admits to me she doesnt like him.......I just am always reminding her how much I love her.....and his attitude has nothing to do with her or me.......its him.........I have always told her that.......I knew full well it isnt her fault.........but I didnt know that it wasnt my fault either.........I thought it was my fault.....and now I am realizing it is no one's fault but his........

He cannot say her name to me......that bother's me.........he never really talks to her......or her to him......he never really yells at her.......he does ask her to do things.....but he never says to her "how was your day" just nothing or she doesnt to him either.......they pretty much dont communicate at all.......Ashley stated at the counselor that she doesnt want to do anything with him.........(I dont blame her) when he says that he is not going to take any credit for her.........(to me, only to me) I tell him he doesnt deserve one ounce of credit.........and I will be glad to take all the credit...I am so proud of her...........I have in the past tried to tell him.......that you show Breanne how much you love her........you hug her and kiss her and make her feel special.......along with discipline........but he doesnt show any of that affection ever to Ashley.......and the only time he communicates with her is asking her to do something.....so that is all Ashley sees...........(cause in reality that is all there is) and I am sure that hurts her.......her real dad is never around and then she has this *******.....I keep telling her its not your fault......he says I put her on a pedastil.....he is just doing everything he can to suck me in.....no matter what it is........and it is ashame that he had to pick one of the dearest things to my heart........

Let me stress that he never says anything to Ashley..........I always get the brunt of everything.....I have to hear it, I have to tell it......I have to live it......I have to make up for it....I have to pretend and clean it.......I will purposely tell him she did this or that....and how she worked for me that day.......and it is like he is thrilled by it and loves it........erggggggggggggg...........but I will do anything for my daughter.......I would call it exagerating the facts a bit....to keep the peace.....he finds himself not knowing what to say....if I do that........In a sense it is taking care of her and me......right..........or am I warped?
 
Old 09-17-2004, 09:51 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Gracey
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
I know I am going to be in trouble for that last paragraph............
 
Old 09-17-2004, 10:33 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
 
Petunia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Gracey,

No trouble here. Get it out. My M always looks worn out from dealing with my F. I wish she would smile more and frown less. I wish she would relax instead of looking so anxious but I can't change those things for her. She for so many reasons, more than I will ever know I'm sure, continues to add years to the 40 she has been married to this man.

She still lies to him about things to keep the peace. I wonder how much more energy my mother would have if she didn't have to expend it trying to keep things calm. It is easy to get sucked back in when we are tired. The old AA slogan HALT
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
is usually when I am most susceptible to getting sucked back into the crazy. I was like your daughter, didn't let people know that it really hurt me, deeply, that my F would ignore us, he'd ask us how our day went and we would always give the same answer (like we'd tell the truth?!?!? Uhhh we're the "pretend everything is okay" family - who the heck is going to say they had a bad day. B/C is surely wasn't as bad as his....

I'm getting off track. Your daughter has told you what is true to her -
.......Ashley stated at the counselor that she doesnt want to do anything with him.........
I paid a high price for my M & F's codependence. A payment that continues to be withdrawn from my emotional bank everyday but only if I let it. My husband made a wonderful observation about his F, which applies to mine as well, "you can't expect to make a withdrawl from something that you never make a deposit into".

All I have to offer except you are asking lots of good questions. Please let us know what answers you come to.

Peace,

Petunia
Petunia is offline  
Old 09-17-2004, 11:41 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
My household stays in limbo alot, I have a 13 yr old and 6 yr old girls from my first marriage and my AH & I have a 4 yr old son. We now live in my hometown, unfortunatly my ex lives in the same town. The ex has been difficult to say the least about visitation issues and has caused all kinds of conflicts in that area. My 13 yr old bounces between having a good relationship with her stepfather to, when shes around her dad any length of time, not liking him at all. At our house everyone is expected to help out, down to the 4 yr yr old, the 13 yr old hates her chores, as any typical teen does and has called her stepdad a "drill sargent" on several occassions. I must say though my hubby doesn't ask anyone of anything that he isn't willing to do himself, he is a controlling type and a bit of a perfectionist (seems like they all are). I find we all get along alot better when we respect each other, be open to each others needs and communicate. Still, there are always problems but they seem alot less intense after we talk it out. However it's different for every family and every situation. You can only do what you can do, what you can't let the HP take care of. Hugs, Teggie
Teggie is offline  
Old 09-17-2004, 12:13 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Chy
Member
 
Chy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Wow, wow, wow, for different reasons, I needed to read this today! Thanks Gracey!
Chy is offline  
Old 09-17-2004, 12:52 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Peaches04's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi Gracey! Boy, kids add a whole new dynamic to things, don't they! I am a mother too and I think you are doing fantastic! Hats off to you for focusing on your children and doing what you can for you and them... I'm proud of you!
Peaches04 is offline  
Old 09-17-2004, 01:07 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Gracey
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Thank you everyone for just letting me share......I never knew how much I needed to share what is going on in my life.....and have people understand what I am going through.....It is such a good feeling just to share.........

I am going to a meeting tonight.......I was thinking that maybe I will bring my daughter.....I think they have Naron there too.......I will check into it when I get home...
 

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:28 AM.