Whacky

"Yes, here and there some wary wanderer,
In that same city of tremendous night,
Will understand the speech and feel a stir
Of fellowship in all-disastrous flight"
- James Thomson

Hi
This is a great site and I'm glad I've found it. Hopefully I can get some hints and tips on how to deal with all this. This post might drag on, but i'm fairly self-centred and and i want to relate my story to anyone kind enough to read it.

Right, I'm a male 20 year old student at university in the U.K. I've been at uni for just over 18 months. Im from the U.K but my uni town is not my home place. Uni is what started my drinking. I think many people assume that a 20 year old cannot be an alcoholic; but i assure you i am. A litre of vodka a day is a regular occurrence, a day without any booze is un-heard of and each night i pass out blind-drunk. Cant sleep without it. If i haven't drunk enough to send me off to that land of freedom; a few Nytols does the trick (otherwise it's shakes and shivers, pumping heart, headache, etc...) Hangovers greet each oppressive grey morning - usually afternoon actually - and the prospect of that beautiful healing drink is never more than a handful of hours away.

At home, it isn't nearly as bad. I drink and get drunk with mates and with family, sure. But i'm not that solitary, woefully excessive drinker that i am whilst here, at uni. Don't get me wrong; at home i drink more than i probably should - but it's a totally different league. Recently though my ill-advised university habits have started to spill into my home-life - stealing booze from the folks, urging my friends to come out for heavy drinking sessions at the pubs or on the town whenever it's viable and even drinking alone in my room (something that has never previously been a feature of my home life).

My mates at uni drink, but not to nearly the same extent as me. I also drink alone a lot more than i used to - and have increasingly, over the last several months, become much more reclusive. I've always been fairly introverted, but never shyed away from social interaction. This has now started to change in a big way. I'll happily spend endless evenings alone drinking my sorrows away. Social-anxiety, something i've never before suffered from, is starting to become a huge problem; i will deliberately avoid socialising frequently. The anxiety is getting worse by the week, and the drinking does nothing to alleviate it (as one would have imagined it might).

Depression increases daily to what may become potentially dangerous levels. But I drink on. I miss so many classes (going to them is a big and unsettling, anxiety ridden event), isolate myself further and further from the world by the second; and alcohol is always there. I don't know if booze is the root of the cause, or something else triggered the drinking. Happy childhood, plenty of mates etc...all of that i've been privileged to have had - so i cant really understand why I've descended into this mad hell-hole of **** and misery.

I'm a smart fella; good grades at school, always making people laugh and I tend to write quite allot. I've got plenty of hobbies but i'm increasingly neglecting them and am loosing all the things i once loved to do; listen to, play and write music, read, watch movies and television, write poems, sketches and stories, socialise, smile and see beauty. These, all of them, have now gone and drink provides that one constant comfort. But it's only comfort in the way a Norwegian prison cell is comfortable - I cannot escape and I don't want to be there!

I know some people here are in the same boat, and after that pretentious and bloated story documenting my recent life, i come here to ask for advice. What should I be doing? Drop out of uni? Seek professional help? (something i would find embarrassing) My family all know i like a tipple, but would be horrified to find out how much i actually drink. I need help!

Ironically, one of me passions in life is wine-making. I work, whenever i'm home, at a vineyard (U.K wine isn't that great due to poor climates) and am fascinated with the art of grape-growing and wine-making. This is something i would perhaps like to make a career out of - but its not one to suit an alcoholic really, is it?

If anyone has any advice they could offer, i would be much obliged. I know that i've harped on in this post more than a real-person would have, but i'm not that real, you see - or at least that's how one-dimensional i feel my life's become.

Peace and love!

p.s - I feel embarrassed to have to come here and spill my woes on an internet forum message board - but it's much easier than speaking to a person face to face. Please don't judge.