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Detritus: This waste of a life

Old 01-24-2012, 11:59 AM
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Detritus: This waste of a life

"Yes, here and there some wary wanderer,
In that same city of tremendous night,
Will understand the speech and feel a stir
Of fellowship in all-disastrous flight"
- James Thomson

Hi
This is a great site and I'm glad I've found it. Hopefully I can get some hints and tips on how to deal with all this. This post might drag on, but i'm fairly self-centred and and i want to relate my story to anyone kind enough to read it.

Right, I'm a male 20 year old student at university in the U.K. I've been at uni for just over 18 months. Im from the U.K but my uni town is not my home place. Uni is what started my drinking. I think many people assume that a 20 year old cannot be an alcoholic; but i assure you i am. A litre of vodka a day is a regular occurrence, a day without any booze is un-heard of and each night i pass out blind-drunk. Cant sleep without it. If i haven't drunk enough to send me off to that land of freedom; a few Nytols does the trick (otherwise it's shakes and shivers, pumping heart, headache, etc...) Hangovers greet each oppressive grey morning - usually afternoon actually - and the prospect of that beautiful healing drink is never more than a handful of hours away.

At home, it isn't nearly as bad. I drink and get drunk with mates and with family, sure. But i'm not that solitary, woefully excessive drinker that i am whilst here, at uni. Don't get me wrong; at home i drink more than i probably should - but it's a totally different league. Recently though my ill-advised university habits have started to spill into my home-life - stealing booze from the folks, urging my friends to come out for heavy drinking sessions at the pubs or on the town whenever it's viable and even drinking alone in my room (something that has never previously been a feature of my home life).

My mates at uni drink, but not to nearly the same extent as me. I also drink alone a lot more than i used to - and have increasingly, over the last several months, become much more reclusive. I've always been fairly introverted, but never shyed away from social interaction. This has now started to change in a big way. I'll happily spend endless evenings alone drinking my sorrows away. Social-anxiety, something i've never before suffered from, is starting to become a huge problem; i will deliberately avoid socialising frequently. The anxiety is getting worse by the week, and the drinking does nothing to alleviate it (as one would have imagined it might).

Depression increases daily to what may become potentially dangerous levels. But I drink on. I miss so many classes (going to them is a big and unsettling, anxiety ridden event), isolate myself further and further from the world by the second; and alcohol is always there. I don't know if booze is the root of the cause, or something else triggered the drinking. Happy childhood, plenty of mates etc...all of that i've been privileged to have had - so i cant really understand why I've descended into this mad hell-hole of **** and misery.

I'm a smart fella; good grades at school, always making people laugh and I tend to write quite allot. I've got plenty of hobbies but i'm increasingly neglecting them and am loosing all the things i once loved to do; listen to, play and write music, read, watch movies and television, write poems, sketches and stories, socialise, smile and see beauty. These, all of them, have now gone and drink provides that one constant comfort. But it's only comfort in the way a Norwegian prison cell is comfortable - I cannot escape and I don't want to be there!

I know some people here are in the same boat, and after that pretentious and bloated story documenting my recent life, i come here to ask for advice. What should I be doing? Drop out of uni? Seek professional help? (something i would find embarrassing) My family all know i like a tipple, but would be horrified to find out how much i actually drink. I need help!

Ironically, one of me passions in life is wine-making. I work, whenever i'm home, at a vineyard (U.K wine isn't that great due to poor climates) and am fascinated with the art of grape-growing and wine-making. This is something i would perhaps like to make a career out of - but its not one to suit an alcoholic really, is it?

If anyone has any advice they could offer, i would be much obliged. I know that i've harped on in this post more than a real-person would have, but i'm not that real, you see - or at least that's how one-dimensional i feel my life's become.

Peace and love!

p.s - I feel embarrassed to have to come here and spill my woes on an internet forum message board - but it's much easier than speaking to a person face to face. Please don't judge.
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Old 01-24-2012, 12:15 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

We do not judge, and we do understand how hard this is.

I think you need to make recovery a priority but you will need to decide if you have to drop out of school or not. What I do know, is that early recovery requires a lot of changes. I had to remove several people from my life and started exercising regularly. I stayed away from people who were drinking for many months.

Counselling can be helpful and AA can also be useful. The main thing in recovery is motivation. If you really want to stop, you can do it.
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Old 01-24-2012, 12:23 PM
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You won't find judgement here at SR, Whacky, not with an introduction like that. What you will find here is our experience of being addicts and alcoholics just like you, our strength that led us to demand a better life for ourselves and loved ones, and our hope for you to live a sober and powerful life.

If you want this for yourself, keep posting, asking questions and get things sorted for yourself. Have you thought about the good things you will have when you stop drinking?
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Old 01-24-2012, 12:25 PM
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You are in the right place Whacky. There may be many differences in who we are, our circumstances etc but many people on the forum have had to deal with alcohol overtaking their lives and soul. There is a way forward to peace, a healthy emotional state and better functioning.

What has helped me after 10 years of struggling to find a way forward was
  • some of the ideas and skills from SMART recovery
  • Reading the Big Book of AA (free online)- don't let the old time language put you off
  • The short online course at Rational Recovery (free online thanks seemingly due to the work of one man)
  • Once I decided to stop the daily practice of gratitude the power of which is easily underestimated- but would be ineffective if you are still drinking

And of course Sober Recovery and the great people who sail in her.

I am now 8 months sober and getting my life and soul back.

Stick around
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Old 01-24-2012, 12:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Whacky View Post
I've got plenty of hobbies but i'm increasingly neglecting them and am loosing all the things i once loved to do... drink provides that one constant comfort. But it's only comfort in the way a Norwegian prison cell is comfortable - I cannot escape and I don't want to be there!
Addiction is a prison without locks, because the exit cannot be seen from within the bubble of addiction. If you listen carefully to that voice in your head — the one that says "never say never to the possible future use of alcohol" — it will reveal precisely how to escape from the prison. You simply do the exact opposite of what that voice says, and say never to any possible future use of alcohol.
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Old 01-24-2012, 12:47 PM
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Welcom Whacky!! So glad you found SR.

I can reallly relate to your story as so many others will too. My drinking really took off while at college also and it continued for many years after that. The depression and anxiety were awful. I too had a great childhood, but somewhere along the line I found alcohol and drugs and I was off and running.

The good news is that you don't have to live like this anymore. You will find so much support here. Read and post often. You'll find that you are not alone in how you feel.

Best wishes.

God bless.
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Old 01-24-2012, 02:04 PM
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No judgment here, Whacky. I was an alcoholic at age 20 too and didn't get sober until New Years Eve of 2011 (I'll be 50 next month). I think it's great that you came here looking for support; support has meant all the difference so far in my recovery. And what a blessing that you are wanting to get off of this rollercoaster ride NOW instead of after another 20 or 30 years of misery.

Welcome, and keep coming back. You will find lots of support here. We're rooting for you.
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Old 01-24-2012, 02:27 PM
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Welcome Whacky

I drank for as long as you've been alive, so you're well ahead of the pack in my eyes
You'll find a lot of advice and support here, as you will have seen already - welcome

D
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Old 01-24-2012, 02:54 PM
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Thumbs up

Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I think you are in a good position to get help since you understand that your drinking is out of hand. You understand what a mess drinking is causing you.

What helped me and what I would suggest is:
    http://www.alcohol-focus-scotland.or...oblem-drinking

    What really helped me tremendously, was going to a local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. At my first meeting I was very surprised to see soo many different types of people, Doctors, Lawyers, Students, some Successful people, some not so successful people, but there was every kind of person. I understood that I was not alone and that many people suffer from Alcoholism. I understood that there was nothing to be ashamed of in seeking help. Perhaps it will help you. I know it has for myself and many many people. There are also many other groups and organizations that many people find help and support in as well.

    There is a 24hour phone line for advice and information on local meetings in
    Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) Great Britain
    National phone line: 0845 769 7555

    You have come to the right place. Keep checking in and posting here, let us know how you are doing.
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    Old 01-24-2012, 03:31 PM
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    Welcome Whacky! We're so glad you found us. Never be embarassed here - you're among friends. We've all been where you are & understand what you're going through.

    I'm impressed that you, at 20, have already seen the light and know what must be done. I was still clueless at your age. It would never have occurred to me to stop all together. I spent almost 30 yrs. trying to manage and control the amounts I drank. I almost lost my life only to discover I couldn't touch the stuff. Be proud of your decision, Whacky - you're going to do this thing.
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    Old 01-24-2012, 03:47 PM
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    No one judges here, Whacky. Good for you being so young and knowing it's time for a change. Good luck.

    Lisa.
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    Old 01-24-2012, 04:38 PM
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    Welcome home!
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    Old 01-24-2012, 06:20 PM
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    Welcome Wacky!

    You're definitely not alone..... lots of smart and wonderful people develop an addiction to alcohol. All the things you mentioned are pretty standard for us: progressive use, lack of interest in life, solitary drinking, depression and anxiety, not being able to stop...... and the list goes on.....

    It took getting sober for me to see how sick I was, and this forum has been my lifeline. Keep reading and posting - you deserve a better life.....
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    Old 01-26-2012, 09:06 AM
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    I come here to ask for advice. What should I be doing? Drop out of uni? Seek professional help? (something i would find embarrassing) My family all know i like a tipple, but would be horrified to find out how much i actually drink. I need help!
    All the things you mentioned are pretty standard for us: progressive use, lack of interest in life, solitary drinking, depression and anxiety, not being able to stop...
    My depression and anxiety increased to the point that I was unable to work. Unfortunately, that made it so much easier to drink. Progress was all negative until my last drink, when my anti d medication started to work and my head began to clear. Decisions I feared while drinking became non issues in a most remarkable way.

    Whacky, you have decided that you need a plan, and that the status quo is no longer an option. I won't give you any advice on your career decisions, but I will advise you to make a plan for your continued use of alcohol. Will you continue to drink?
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