Thanks everyone for their posts.
Let me get into this a teensy bit (I am still up! usually I am drunk and passed out by 10pm and it's after midnight)...
The boyfriend doesn't have a problem with alcohol the way that I do. He can seriously have one glass of wine or one beer and be alright with it, he can go a week without booze at all without second-guessing it...and I can't. I am thinking about booze all day, all night, when I can get my next fix of the vino, etc, etc.
I tried to drink some white tonight, not going to lie, but he refused to pick some up (no money) and I cried (before he got home) and I looked in the mirror and thought how ridiculously pathetic I was that I got mad at my boyfriend...but then felt a sense of weird calm and just went with it and instead perused self help forums online and thought to myself "what the he** am I doing getting mad at the man I love because we don't have money for booze??" that is the addict that was talking before, that got super pissed...definitely the addictive voice...
Maybe it was me...maybe it was my wild mood swing because I couldn't have booze that I didn't talk...I was mad...sad, I know...
Our entire relationship hasn't been centred around alcohol. It's funny because in the morning and during the day it's different...we laugh and talk and make fun of eachother and just have a good time...it's when night fall rolls around and there is no booze then it's quiet.
I was just curious if it was the relationship...or if it is ME...because I am really thinking that my anxiety totally gets in the way. When I get anxious or I get OCD spikes I totally shut myself off from the world because I don't want a panic attack or anything...and...I have come to the realization that I don't drink because I like the taste...I may like the buzz, of course...but I do it to not feel.
I guess we will see how it goes as the week progresses.
It was a quiet night for sure...but it was nice...I am so tired, but I can't fall asleep...
I guess in the morning I will wake up...I will know I didn't say or do anything stupid and he as well...and he will go to work rested and I will get prepared for my work interview (wish me luck).
I'll keep you posted on how night #2 goes...
Doesn't help that the bf is engrossed in his NHL12 game (lol!) so no wonder we don't talk! Haha. Maybe...who knows.
I know that I want to work on this. I love him A LOT...and maybe we will rekindle that first year love and all that jazz.
Thanks guys.