Originally Posted by
lillamy 
Wow. That sure hit home.
My kids didn't say anything either. To them, their father passing out drunk was
normal. They had nothing to compare to. They reacted differently to our separation and divorce. Two of them basically went off the rails completely, the third one became more well-behaved and well-adjusted. One of the two who started expressing their feelings in not-very-constructive ways has found a point of balance and harmony now, almost 2 years later. The second one is still in the process of determining where the walls are. The third one, the well-behaved one, is now blowing off steam like nobody's business.
It's hard, but it's wonderful to see them become the persons they were not able to be in an alcoholic family. They go to counseling to learn how to properly express their feelings; I go to counseling to learn how to not run away to Nepal and hide.
Oh yes. I understand.
The counselor also reinforced that my job was not to fix them and their emotions. As a parent it is to absorb them. It makes me a safe place. It makes me stable and secure and available. THAT is an amazingly difficult concept for me. It means that a) I don't fix it and b) I have to stay put. I can't run away and hide figuratively or literally. and c) I can't take it personally because then I reflect their emotions instead of absorb them. It is hard for me especially with one of my kids because he pushes my buttons.
I've really gotten a lot better with this. I picture him with a backpack and he fills it up all day with all the bad feelings and confusion and it gets heavy. When he see's me he is handing me the backpack and I want to take it from him and help him unpack it and get rid of that stuff. If I can picture that it helps me to not let the button pushing get the better of me because when it does I start flinging that stuff out of the backpack and no way is he going to duck and run. Not this kid, he throws it right back and we are off.
The other kid sneaks his backpack of feelings upstairs and stuffs it under his bed. I worry about him too.